Normalcy, or something close…

Well, I know I haven’t been on here in a long while, in truth I didn’t know what to write or how to write about it.

They say time makes all the difference, and as I look back on posts earlier in the year I am happy to say that yes, yes it does.

Life with Prince Charming is becoming normal, or at least our version of “normal”. Things I worried about before, such as hiding aspects of us because we were attempting to be sensitive to an emotional situation, have passed. People are moving forward with life and trying not to hold onto bitterness, which I am grateful for, because I’m here to tell you life is too short. I can even have brief conversations with his ex during child pick-up/drop offs; we’re civil and both adults, almost pleasant and never unnecessarily rude. This makes me think positive, as I want the wee one to see all of the adults in her life that love her at least get along. There’s hope! I am even trying to interact more with his family, and allow them to get to know me, because I really want us to get to know eachother. I’m really not that bad. Plus I really want to be the best person that I can be for not just myself now, but this man and his little girl. He makes me insanely happy, and well, I make him pretty darn happy too! I’d love for his family to see and realize this. And, from what I’ve gotten to know of whom I’ve met so far, I think we could get along just fine and even share common interests/ground. More time will tell, they’re adjusting.

Prince Charming and I pretty much operate as a normal couple these day, and for the most part people (other than a few minor annoyances) are accepting. It’s happened… A marriage didn’t work, both parties have moved on to others that make them happy, and yes, everyone involved has the best interest of the child in mind. There is life after separation/divorce!

There have been growing pains in this relationship, no doubt. And we have outside circumstances that affect us, in the form of closure and arrangements from his marriage. But we communicate with eachother and always talk through it, always checking in how the other feels, and what we can do to help eachother.
I think I’ve found my “happy ever after”, which has thus far come in the form of happily splitting my life between two homes, mine and his. As I truly consider “home” where I reside, but also where he (and his sweet little girl part of the time) live.

That’s my brief update for now. More to come and I will try to get on here more now that I can articulate things that have happened/are happening. I think we’re finding our rhythm. 🙂 

Still learning…

Vulnerable and happy

I’ve been through real, intense, heartbreak twice in my thirty years.. The first being the breakdown of my marriage, and the second being the breakdown of a short-lived but intense relationship with a man who promised me everything only to find he himself was not wanting the same type of life… Two times I thought I had found love, and two times I’ve been let down and disappointed.

I’ve never wanted to miss out on that chance though, the chance of finding that love and someone to share life with. While I’ve not had many opportunities for that intense love that I’ve been hoping for, I never have closed myself off to the possibility. Even at one point having decided to continue on with the life I wanted and considering having a child on my own, I thought that maybe later love would happen. There’s a difference between a thinking a relationship won’t ever happen and thinking you don’t need a relationship to happen; I was of the latter idea. But I’ve always tried to be open and vulnerable to the possibility of something wonderful happening.

It’s funny though, when I was younger, and I find many people now (regardless of age) maintain a level of being guarded in a new relationship. We’ve all been hurt and we don’t want to endure the pain and heartbreak again. Sure I’m cautious in getting to know new people of course, but I don’t have that internal struggle anymore (and haven’t for a while) that says “I don’t want to fall in love, it’s going to hurt… so not yet”. I am accepting of what I feel and when, there are no instruction manuals or acceptable timelines; if I’m going to fall in love, so be it! Because if I remain guarded, I could miss out on an opportunity for something wonderful and great…. So that is how I live… I try not to be guarded with my emotions; I’m up front, all cards on the table, this is what you’re dealing with, wearing my heart on my sleeve… Believe it or not, it has helped weed out some ill matched suitors in my past. BUT… This way that I live gives ample opportunity for me to be hurt.. I’ve always said resilience is my best quality, well, there are many reasons for that.

For the relationship I’m currently in, even with outside factors affecting the relationship (somewhat), I’ve maintained this vulnerability. This has allowed me to fall in love with this man.. But something is different about these emotions. I’ve been married, I’ve been with someone I planned to have a family with; but I don’t think I’ve ever felt this. Truth be told, this man has all the power in the world to hurt me and he doesn’t even know it. I have never looked at a relationship that way, someone having “power” over me, and have been hesitant to give that power I guess, as I’ve discussed with a friend in the past.

“When you love someone, truly love them, you lay your heart open to them. You give them a part of yourself that you give to no one else, and you let them inside a part of you that only they can hurt-you literally hand them the razor with a map of where to cut deepest and most painfully on your heart and soul.”
― Sherrilyn Kenyon

Prince Charming makes me feel valued no matter what; we have our struggles and can both be exasperating at times trying to relay our thoughts and feelings on alot of intense subjects. It happens when you’re in the midst of life changing events (such as divorce and custody arrangements), and starting a new relationship. Emotions are going to run high, and they may overlap at times. But we talk, he’s never told me I shouldn’t be upset about something and always validates my thoughts and feelings. Admittedly, once I’m “passionate” (again, his verbiage, I’m “passionate” NOT “a pain in the arse”) about something, I can be pretty exhausting to deal with; but he talks through it with me and hasn’t run the other way.. And well, I haven’t run away either… Life is not easy right now…

Prince Charming also has this way of looking at me. He always looks at me, almost as if he’s studying me, and as if I’m something new to behold each time. I’ve never held any man’s gaze so intently. He doesn’t know that he does this, I don’t think, but it makes me melt every time. I feel so… I don’t know… Adored perhaps is the word I’m looking for?

I look at this man and my heart swells and I smile; thinking how lucky I am… He’s seen me at my highs and lows over the past couple of years, we spend time together easily, and we make eachother laugh; I truly fell in love with my best friend. It wasn’t planned, it wasn’t even thought of, but somehow, and luckily, here we are. We just…. Fit.

Prince Charming happens to come with a little sprite of a Princess as well. I have never been in a relationship with anyone with young children before. This is also a new ballgame for me, and a whole new level of vulnerability. I have a love for children and yearn to have my own someday, so I would never ever ever be guarded emotionally around a child. They should be openly nurtured and loved to build confidence, caring and help shape them into kind and happy little human beings. So I have fallen in love with this little girl as well (as she is some of the most wonderful and best parts of her Daddy) and the more time I spend with her, the deeper it goes, but will write more on that experience in another entry.

So, here I am…. Vulnerable….In love, all encompassing….and happier than I’ve ever been despite that it’s not easy….

Still learning….

Heart v. Mind

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, my client though technically an organ that circulates blood through a being, is an entity all of her own. She’s been battered and broken, and is well versed in the art of self first aid; which may perhaps cause some reckless behaviour when it comes to her own safety.

So when the plaintiff, that resides approximately one foot above my client, stated that her actions were perhaps not a good idea at present time, they were met with numerous objections, justifications and nothing consistent other than the following facts/claims:

She found a part of herself in another, which she had never thought possible.

Her old wounds and scars ached less in the presence of this other.

She wanted to dress his wounds and help him heal his own brokenness.

She glowed and was vibrant again.

He held her, despite the ugliness of some of her scars.

He looked at her in such a way as if she was something to study and be in awe of.

She loved his imperfectness, perfectly.

The plaintiff argued the timing was wrong, the other was too newly broken, it was too soon, and there were challenges; and while my client agreed completely and totally, when she tried to refrain it felt as if she was cutting off her own breath. My client tried to stifle her breath and live differently, sadly, regretting, and missing a possibility; all for the sake of timing, and this appeased the plaintiff briefly.

The defence (my client), will state to you today, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, that you will judge her and that is alright. She has battled the plaintiff, and has considered his pleas. She has worked jointly with the plaintiff to consider all possible outcomes and all aspects that may be involved. But she stands before you to say : life is too short, and we don’t know what tomorrow will bring; please don’t begrudge me the possibility of happiness.

The defence rests…..

Still learning….

The End

You know, I couldn’t even tell you what the argument was about, I honestly couldn’t. At that point, he was at the height of his depression and self medicating regime and I was fed up to the point that I fought back when provoked instead of just letting it go with the thought “he’s having a rough time, he’s sick and doesn’t meant it”.

We were driving home from his mother’s house, both seething, the tension in the car was palpable. “You’re such a dumb cunt, I really don’t know why I’m with you”. My first thought to cross my mind was “he’s lucky he’s driving, I would smack him across the face for that”. I remember the anger that day, I’ve never had it recreated. But the man I loved and took vows with just called me a derogatory name and inspired a thought of violence; there’s something wrong here.
“I don’t even know if I want children anymore”… I asked him what he meant, thinking I had misheard him. One of our common goals as husband and wife, what we worked toward, why I stuck around to try and help him as long as I did, why I kept our marriage on life support; was just dashed in that moment. In that moment the glue that was holding my battered heart together, gave. My shoulders heaved with two heavy sobs as silent tears rolled down my face..For those that know me, when I am upset/angry, I don’t tend to yell, I am quite efficient with my words and don’t require more audibility to get my point across. But that day, in the confines of our little Pontiac, I screamed… Every hurt that I’d been holding in, every injustice, every argument; I let out in a matter of minutes. I screamed until I hurt and could barely speak from the hoarseness of throat… “Then why am I even bothering?! I’ve been patient!.. I’ve tried to help!.. I’ve been a good wife!.. and now this is what I’m getting?! Why are we doing this?!!!”… I then sat in silence the remainder of the car ride home.

During the roller coaster my marriage had become in the end, there was a pattern in our final months together; a fight, he’d threaten to leave, a teary argument from me, he’d say “maybe we should get a divorce”, I’d beg him not to go outlining everything we could do to work on the marriage (or what I would do, as if I had to convince him I was worth staying with), he’d leave our home for a few hours, he’d come back, we would both apologize (regardless of whom was wrong), and go about our daily routine and living our separate lives under the same roof……

That day when we got home, the pattern attempted one final repetition. “I think we should get a divorce”, he scowled at me shortly after we got in the door. “Fine”, I was defeated. He said he was leaving, huffing around our apartment and throwing things in a duffle bag, “he meant it this time”… I sat quietly and just stared at the wall. Accepting a dream was crushed; even though throughout the last year things were slowly dying, I still held onto hope, love would get us through; that day I accepted that The Beatles were wrong, love isn’t all you need. He prolonged physically leaving our apartment as much as possible, even saying he needed to have a quick shower before leaving as he wasn’t sure where he was going or for how long. When I heard the water of the shower start, I came out of my catatonia to get up from my spot on the couch go into his jacket pockets and retrieve the key to the apartment. I then wrote a quick note stating that “he was leaving and withdrew his interest from the rental agreement to this apartment on this date” (thank God we were only renting at the time, things could’ve been worse); I had this ready for him before his departure from the apartment. No more games, no more psychological warfare; if he was leaving, he was REALLY leaving. I advised him I had his key, and if he was really leaving, he should have no problem signing this and to let me know when he’d like to pick up the rest of his things, I’m a reasonable woman and wanted this to go as smoothly as possible. He angrily signed the paper and left, he was pissed that I even thought to do anything like that I think.

A couple hours later there was a knock at the door, “I’m sorry” he said when I opened the door. I let him come in and we sat down in our living room, opposite sides of the couch, just looking at eachother. “I’m sorry too… this is done… I want a divorce”….

As said, I can’t even remember what the final argument was that brought our ending marriage to a head.. But I remember every emotion, every detail of the final words/actions, I can even recall the sensory memory of how much my throat ached from screaming….All this recalled from about this time of year….. Five years ago.

I’ve moved past my marrage, obviously… You’ve read some of my attempts, my lessons, my successes, and my failures at this… I’ve learned valuable lessons about how I act in relationships, what I want from my relationships, how to communicate in my relationships, and what I don’t want. My marriage showed me alot about myself, and it took quite a while to view it as a positive.

My life has continued, I’ve continued to grow, and the hurt has even faded…But I’m afraid the hurt never goes away completely, you just learn to refocus on the positives in life and the new opportunities while setting aside the ebb of slight ache in that part of your heart.

I still remember the end.

Still learning….

What is love?

**sings** “Baby don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me, no more… What is love?”… Queue the head bop from Night at the Roxbury…… And these are the things that go through my mind when I write people… But on to the blog entry…

You meet, the world moves, sparks fly, you feel all tingly and warm, and you miss being away from them any waking minute that you are not sharing their presence…. That’s it, they’re the one, must be love… Right?
This girl isn’t convinced.. Here’s a few things I’ve thought long and hard about in my experiences and the point I’ve gotten to in life thus far… Love is great… Love can be grand… But love isn’t all roses and kittens…

1. Love is about self sacrifice. I was very guilty of this, I thought that love was putting myself second to the one that I love, self sacrifice or compromising my own needs was how I showed love. Engh, wrong! The more I’ve thought about it and the more experience I’ve gained, love isn’t about putting your partner first, it’s about knowing that you can think about yourself. Now, I’m not saying I’m going to go out there and be a jerk in my next relationship and claim that it’s all about me (though damn it, it should be!…. kidding…kind of)… No, you should definitely have consideration for and be attentive to the needs of your partner, but without sacrificing your own. Love is your partner knowing that having your needs met is important as well, and knowing that you have a safe and comfortable space with your partner to say “hey, I’m important, here’s what I need…” without any negative consequences.

2. The person you love will make you a better person. Well, this idea is so lovely; and as Jerry Maguire said; “I love you.. you complete me”, it’s so romantic and makes me feel all warm and fuzzy just thinking about it. That’s love, right? Well, last time I checked, we were all our own individuals, all completely (well perhaps not completely) assembled on our own. Will someone additional in our lives complete us and make us better? No, I myself doubt this. BUT.. Can someone we love encourage us to grow as a person, and be a better person? Sure! I think there is a difference between someone making us better versus the encouragement of our own growth. We will go on through life and grow to become our better selves if that is what we so desire, with or without that Mr./Mrs. Right.

3. When in love you will want to do everything with that person. Well, as much as I’m sure I will adore all the time I spend with my future Prince Charming, and that we will share in some activities together, we will not share in ALL things together. Granted it’s cool to have shared hobbies, but there’s going to be things that I enjoy and there’s going to be things that he enjoys. Sometimes it’s nice to do things separate. There are relationships outside of yours that require time as well, and may not necessarily include the other person; send him/her out with friends, you do the same… Or even if you’re occupying the same space, that’s bonding! You’re not meant to be interacting and doing the same things at every turn… Quiet night at home; he’s playing video games, I’m reading a book? That is okay by me!

4. When in love we will be like bunnies in the bedroom! Now, as a female in her early thirties, I’m wishing this were true (poor Prince Charming, you poor, unsuspecting man, hehehehe)… But, love is about intimacy, and yes I know that arguably sex is an act of intimacy; though so is cuddling, kissing, holding hands, and just simple touch. Some nights “making love” in the bedroom will be holding eachother while you sleep, or sprawling a leg or arm over your respective partner. Still love!

5. To show love your partner will try to do everything for you… Well, if this is your preconceived notion, I hate to break it to you but, one, you’re what we call high maintenance, and two, love is a two way street. Love is an equal partnership; you will do just as much for your partner as they will do for you! It all comes back to #1, love is not self sacrifice.

6. When in love, the conversation should be always flowing. Well, in my experiences, comfortable silences are where it’s at. Yes, I should totally be able to talk and communicate with my partner but does every silence need to be filled? NO! Comfort and no pressure to exude idle conversation, that’s great, and that’s love! And just imagine, the smoldering looks you can give/receive during those comfortable silences that could lead to some #4! Er wait, my point about #4 was not where I should’ve been going with this LOL.

While ultimately we all have our own definition of what love is, love is very romanticized and portrayed as perfection, while really it’s just working through and tolerating imperfections that fit with your own imperfections.
This girl jokes about the perfection that her future Prince Charming will be, but in reality, I’m hoping for some of the above.

Still learning…

The one who came before…

before me
When we venture around the earth and enter into these dating/relationship/romance realms, what is it that we all have? A heart? Yep, it’s an organ, pumps blood. Perhaps not always in the emotional sense of the word though…. An expectation? Yeah probably, we have an idea of what we’re looking for or why we want a partner, sure… A pulse? Well, hopefully, otherwise this would be a different type of blog and what you’re doing is illegal (LOL)…
What we all have that I’m talking about is…. A past.

We are not all clean as fresh fallen snow, and at this stage in life (well at least at my age) we’ve at least had one experience of having our heart ripped out of our chest, thrown to the ground, and stomped on; I don’t use this analogy bitterly but more so to relay the intensity of the feeling…
We are going to make a comparison to those that happen in our present, and in our futures; we are human and it’s going to happen naturally and not through any fault of the new person in our life. AND, we are going to have to deal with the fact that with that wonderful new person in our life that someone in fact did come before us. Shocking, I know… Why can’t the human race have reserved someone especially for us that hasn’t had to endure their own special brand of crazy with another, or have dealt with a previous heartbreak, or have dealt with a prior jaded individual?…”Excuse me please, powers that be: I’d like this one reset to factory default settings please”…

The above is not going to happen, accept it, life happens… Not only for you, but for them too. So, we meet Mister or Miss Wonderful, and they are just.. well.. wonderful! And then the thoughts creep in… “The one who came before me”…Let’s talk about this, shall we?

It really works from both sides; let’s start with ourselves and our comparison to those who came before our Mister or Miss Wonderful. I’d really like to think we take our people from our past as a positive, learning experience; even if it’s as simple as “that was what I don’t want”. So you will spend time with the new person in your life, and your mind with creep back to “Mister or Miss Ex, used to do this..” or “I didn’t like it when they did…” or “I liked it when they did…. and Mister or Miss Wonderful reminds me of them in that way…”..Now while these are all normal and naturally occurring thoughts, and you could probably use them to help your new relationship (or potential relationship) grow; DO NOT and I mean DO NOT, voice these comparisons aloud. Your new interest will likely not appreciate it, no matter how constructively you pitch it. It’s quite probable that you will share stories of exes, and things you’ve done, that’s one thing; you’re telling your new interest things about your life (which happened to include someone else at one point). But, you don’t need to voice anything comparatively.

Now, how about our own thoughts about the “one that came before”? I honestly can’t comment for men on this factor, so if any male reader would care to comment their opinion, I’d be grateful; but I know women are horrible for this. As a woman, I am my own worst critic, and at times this can carry over into a new (or potential) relationship. You’re enjoying yourself with the new Mister or Miss Wonderful and then the thoughts creep into your mind: “did he/she do this with her/him?” or “did he/she enjoy this more with her/him?”.. or even “will he/she want the same things with me that he/she had with her/him?” Again, probably normally occurring thoughts, we do think about the pasts of people we’re with, and as said, can be our own worst critics or compare ourselves. Though, I’m thinking we probably shouldn’t voice our own personal comparison either. Because #1, confidence is attractive, and if we’re comparing ourselves to the one before us, that’s not really exuding confidence at all; and #2, Mister or Miss Wonderful is probably not even making that comparison that you are nine times out of ten…

When things are new, these comparisons are normal… But they should fade.. If things go well with this wonderful new person in your life, you will nurture things enough that you make eachother feel valued.. Maybe even valued enough that your mind won’t wander to worrying about the past and have you more focused on the present and future.

I have a past, you have a past, they have a past…. But let’s not let our own or their past get in the way. We were there, we hopefully learned from it, and let’s face it “the one who came before” is a past for a reason.

Still learning….

Disposable Love

My heart swelled, I was dressed in white, and tears flowed down my face as I whimpered and worried about causing my pristine make up to run… “I’ve known him a long time, you don’t have to cry hon, he’s not that bad of a guy”, my best man quipped at me, trying to make me laugh and stop crying. I was going through one of the most defining moments of life, that’s why I was crying! I was getting up in front of family and friends and declaring that I found that one special person that I loved and wanted to spend my life with. In that initial moment, before I walked down that aisle with tears in my eyes towards my husband-to-be, I had the whirlwind of life flashing before my mind’s eye. I saw us, our home, our vacations, our children, our holidays, and us sitting on our porch in rocking chairs surrounded by our grandchildren. Life was set, I was embarking on the next chapter, I had found THE ONE.

Now as you’ll notice from the title of this blog, the above scenario did not have the expected outcome. And furthermore, if you’ve read other entries in this blog you will find nothing worked out even close to anything I expected or desired.

When I got married, I said I’d only ever do so once.. This was with the impression that the marriage that happened once, lasted.. I still stand by the only ever getting married once, as I’m not sure I’ll be able to be convinced otherwise..(although I’m only being a realist here, not a pessimist…ultimately, you never know). But I never expected to be in this circumstance; married and divorced before 30. Funny though, isn’t it? That is usually the first thing that someone going through a separation or divorce will say; “I never thought I’d be going through this”… Well of course we didn’t think that, none of us would marry! If you EVER thought you’d be going through the difficulty, challenge and frustration that is a separation/divorce we would all be running in the total opposite direction of any potential future spouse, perhaps waving goodbye to them on the way (from an absolute safe and cautious distance!).
But in enduring my own experience and watching many (and sadly, I mean MANY) people around me experiencing dissolution of long term relationships; I’ve noticed a saddening difference and I do not know how to coin the comparison other than perhaps generationally.

I look at my parents’ generation, and even the generation before. When marriages happened, they tended to continue. Now, by no means were all of these marriages/relationships rainbows and roses. But I notice a decline from this in my own generation and generations that are following after me; it seems that everything is viewed as so DISPOSABLE now. I was raised that in a relationship you have communication, if there’s a problem: you express it, talk about it, and try to come to a means of resolution or compromise. But a relationship was work, you worked at it, and you worked at it because you love eachother. Life isn’t always going to be easy, but you should at least be standing as a united front in life. The key point of being united, is that you both have to want it.
Unfortunately in the dissolution of my own marriage, we didn’t share the whole “united” deal. I accepted accountability in my relationship, what I could do to help and what I had done to hinder. I communicated this, and wanted to move forward. While he was happy to have me accept all accountability and have no admittance to any issue on his part. Well folks, if a boat is sinking, there’s better chance of survival with two people bailing water, than just one; isn’t there? So, with the numerous issues we had, and only one wanting to do the work, my marriage met its watery demise.

I look around me and notice in my age bracket that there are those before me and many after me are experiencing the same idea (much, much different issues, lifestyles, and circumstances perhaps; but the same idea). Relationships are now viewed as so disposable. It’s no longer, “you played your part, I played mine, let’s accept responsibility and figure out what we need to fix to move forward (together); we love eachother enough to do this, right?”… I now see alot of “well, he/she did this, and while I love them, I don’t see any other way of this working out”….. Both of these statements have the word “love” in them but which one really portrays the ideal of love?? Has love become so skewed that it’s now disposable or undervalued? What is our definition of love? There’s different kinds of love, which one is it that we are now all getting into these long term relationships with? Or is it common practice that people seem to have romanticized love so much that if it’s not easy and wonderful all of the time that it’s not worth it? I’m confused with these values and interpretations.

Mind you, if your relationship STILL doesn’t work after an effort or attempt at working at it; I would not classify that as “disposable”. My point in this entry today is NOT to say if we’ve chosen that one person stay with them even if they make you miserable or you find you’re not compatible. Sometimes we do just find the wrong people for us and build on a different kind of love, it happens, and that’s not a bad thing. But the lack of trying I’ve experienced and noticed around me just flabbergasts me.

I am now shudder at the possibility of a “loving relationship” for fear of how love is viewed. I do not view it as disposable, but it seems that quite a few do! And I hear that it’s getting worse, I listen to younger generations and their relationship gripes (I know, I know; alot of people talk to me about relationship trials and problems…. Yeah, that’s right, talk to the SINGLE chick about relationships; she must know what she’s doing! LOL), and it’s scary what love/commitment means now! For my future (if I ever get around to having any) children, I am petrified what marriage will look like to their generation and the generations after them. Will futuristic great, great grandchildren be sitting around in future races of instantly gratified and spoiled people saying “wow, can you believe when my great, great, grandmother was alive, they had these ceremonies and a piece of paper that meant you had to be with ONLY one person like for more than when the great sex and fun times ran out?? As if! Who would do that, if it wasn’t easy and wonderful, how could you even bother with keeping it?!”

I could be looking at this harshly friends, but I’d love to generate discussion. Disposable love, is it a commonality now? Like everything else in this world, even materialistically, perhaps “it’s just not built like it used to be?” What are your thoughts? What’s worth it?
Myself; I’m a flawed individual, I’m not perfect, I’m human…(and albeit a little difficult and stubborn—and I will note not to refer any potential partners to reading my blog now, hahaha)… Therefore, am I going to have a problem at some point in a relationship, will there be mistakes made? HELL YES. Unavoidable I’m afraid, but with this new (and seemingly common) perspective of love being so disposable, I fear if I will find what I’m looking for.

Still learning….