Welcome 2015

Happy New Year readers! I wish you all health, wealth and prosperity for this new year and hope that you all had a wonderful holiday season!
As you may guess, or may know from past experiences, or have even read on here from last year; the holidays can be a difficult time for some and where is should be a time for good things, it’s also a time that reminds some of what they don’t have.
Being divorced, 30, childless, and still very much grieving the loss of a parent; admittedly the holidays aren’t my favourite time. Don’t get me wrong, I have a wonderful family and spent alot of time with them, and made some wonderful memories. But a large part of the Christmas excitement (for me) is children and gift opening and their smiles and excitement with all of the holiday hustle and bustle. My young cousins are getting older now, and where I still took joy in seeing them this Christmas, I have to confess, my own biological clock and maternal need is becoming more apparent (it’s probably uncool, as a 13 year old and a 10 year old to have a 30 year old woman fuss over you and try to be overly helpful/motherly).
Though, throughout the holidays, I spent alot of time with a dear friend whom has a young daughter that I adore; and much to my delight seems to adore me just as well. This time was a double edged sword; where I cherish it and took delight in a young one wanting me around, it also caused the ticking to become louder and more thinking about mortality and what legacy I am to leave behind. I find this a common thought pattern among women in similar position to mine.
Christmas did come and go, with wonderful meals and times with family and friends. There was much food, fun, laugher, drinks, and not too much dwelling (though teary moments did come when witness to some special father-daughter moments that reminded me of my own).
Then New Year’s Eve came; a time to close out a year, and focus on a new chapter of life in the coming new year. When midnight December 31 turns to January 1; it feels as if there’s a new start point, or a turn around point. There are many inspirational things on social media that portray, “goals”, “things to do different”, “how to be better” in the new year. My New Year’s Eve was spent in the company of someone special to me; where there was just dinner had and then a relaxing eve of television watching, very simple and uneventful. No partying (I think we may have even dozed off before midnight – but don’t tell anyone I’m that exciting lol), no (like one drink) drinking, no entertaining; just two people enjoying eachother’s company. On new year’s day, a friend of mine asked me how my eve was to which I responded “amazing, I don’t think I’ve ever felt so sure that I was exactly where I needed to be”….I’ve never felt that in my life, and shocked myself with this automatic use of the word “amazing”, not much has been “amazing” for me in quite sometime. Perhaps I needed the simplicity of that evening?
So I wish each and every one of you a wonderful, brand new 2015.. Full of new starts and better things than 2014.. I have a very good feeling about this one. Perhaps 2015 is the year of Prince Charming?
A girl can dream 😉
Still learning….

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The one who came before…

before me
When we venture around the earth and enter into these dating/relationship/romance realms, what is it that we all have? A heart? Yep, it’s an organ, pumps blood. Perhaps not always in the emotional sense of the word though…. An expectation? Yeah probably, we have an idea of what we’re looking for or why we want a partner, sure… A pulse? Well, hopefully, otherwise this would be a different type of blog and what you’re doing is illegal (LOL)…
What we all have that I’m talking about is…. A past.

We are not all clean as fresh fallen snow, and at this stage in life (well at least at my age) we’ve at least had one experience of having our heart ripped out of our chest, thrown to the ground, and stomped on; I don’t use this analogy bitterly but more so to relay the intensity of the feeling…
We are going to make a comparison to those that happen in our present, and in our futures; we are human and it’s going to happen naturally and not through any fault of the new person in our life. AND, we are going to have to deal with the fact that with that wonderful new person in our life that someone in fact did come before us. Shocking, I know… Why can’t the human race have reserved someone especially for us that hasn’t had to endure their own special brand of crazy with another, or have dealt with a previous heartbreak, or have dealt with a prior jaded individual?…”Excuse me please, powers that be: I’d like this one reset to factory default settings please”…

The above is not going to happen, accept it, life happens… Not only for you, but for them too. So, we meet Mister or Miss Wonderful, and they are just.. well.. wonderful! And then the thoughts creep in… “The one who came before me”…Let’s talk about this, shall we?

It really works from both sides; let’s start with ourselves and our comparison to those who came before our Mister or Miss Wonderful. I’d really like to think we take our people from our past as a positive, learning experience; even if it’s as simple as “that was what I don’t want”. So you will spend time with the new person in your life, and your mind with creep back to “Mister or Miss Ex, used to do this..” or “I didn’t like it when they did…” or “I liked it when they did…. and Mister or Miss Wonderful reminds me of them in that way…”..Now while these are all normal and naturally occurring thoughts, and you could probably use them to help your new relationship (or potential relationship) grow; DO NOT and I mean DO NOT, voice these comparisons aloud. Your new interest will likely not appreciate it, no matter how constructively you pitch it. It’s quite probable that you will share stories of exes, and things you’ve done, that’s one thing; you’re telling your new interest things about your life (which happened to include someone else at one point). But, you don’t need to voice anything comparatively.

Now, how about our own thoughts about the “one that came before”? I honestly can’t comment for men on this factor, so if any male reader would care to comment their opinion, I’d be grateful; but I know women are horrible for this. As a woman, I am my own worst critic, and at times this can carry over into a new (or potential) relationship. You’re enjoying yourself with the new Mister or Miss Wonderful and then the thoughts creep into your mind: “did he/she do this with her/him?” or “did he/she enjoy this more with her/him?”.. or even “will he/she want the same things with me that he/she had with her/him?” Again, probably normally occurring thoughts, we do think about the pasts of people we’re with, and as said, can be our own worst critics or compare ourselves. Though, I’m thinking we probably shouldn’t voice our own personal comparison either. Because #1, confidence is attractive, and if we’re comparing ourselves to the one before us, that’s not really exuding confidence at all; and #2, Mister or Miss Wonderful is probably not even making that comparison that you are nine times out of ten…

When things are new, these comparisons are normal… But they should fade.. If things go well with this wonderful new person in your life, you will nurture things enough that you make eachother feel valued.. Maybe even valued enough that your mind won’t wander to worrying about the past and have you more focused on the present and future.

I have a past, you have a past, they have a past…. But let’s not let our own or their past get in the way. We were there, we hopefully learned from it, and let’s face it “the one who came before” is a past for a reason.

Still learning….

Disposable Love

My heart swelled, I was dressed in white, and tears flowed down my face as I whimpered and worried about causing my pristine make up to run… “I’ve known him a long time, you don’t have to cry hon, he’s not that bad of a guy”, my best man quipped at me, trying to make me laugh and stop crying. I was going through one of the most defining moments of life, that’s why I was crying! I was getting up in front of family and friends and declaring that I found that one special person that I loved and wanted to spend my life with. In that initial moment, before I walked down that aisle with tears in my eyes towards my husband-to-be, I had the whirlwind of life flashing before my mind’s eye. I saw us, our home, our vacations, our children, our holidays, and us sitting on our porch in rocking chairs surrounded by our grandchildren. Life was set, I was embarking on the next chapter, I had found THE ONE.

Now as you’ll notice from the title of this blog, the above scenario did not have the expected outcome. And furthermore, if you’ve read other entries in this blog you will find nothing worked out even close to anything I expected or desired.

When I got married, I said I’d only ever do so once.. This was with the impression that the marriage that happened once, lasted.. I still stand by the only ever getting married once, as I’m not sure I’ll be able to be convinced otherwise..(although I’m only being a realist here, not a pessimist…ultimately, you never know). But I never expected to be in this circumstance; married and divorced before 30. Funny though, isn’t it? That is usually the first thing that someone going through a separation or divorce will say; “I never thought I’d be going through this”… Well of course we didn’t think that, none of us would marry! If you EVER thought you’d be going through the difficulty, challenge and frustration that is a separation/divorce we would all be running in the total opposite direction of any potential future spouse, perhaps waving goodbye to them on the way (from an absolute safe and cautious distance!).
But in enduring my own experience and watching many (and sadly, I mean MANY) people around me experiencing dissolution of long term relationships; I’ve noticed a saddening difference and I do not know how to coin the comparison other than perhaps generationally.

I look at my parents’ generation, and even the generation before. When marriages happened, they tended to continue. Now, by no means were all of these marriages/relationships rainbows and roses. But I notice a decline from this in my own generation and generations that are following after me; it seems that everything is viewed as so DISPOSABLE now. I was raised that in a relationship you have communication, if there’s a problem: you express it, talk about it, and try to come to a means of resolution or compromise. But a relationship was work, you worked at it, and you worked at it because you love eachother. Life isn’t always going to be easy, but you should at least be standing as a united front in life. The key point of being united, is that you both have to want it.
Unfortunately in the dissolution of my own marriage, we didn’t share the whole “united” deal. I accepted accountability in my relationship, what I could do to help and what I had done to hinder. I communicated this, and wanted to move forward. While he was happy to have me accept all accountability and have no admittance to any issue on his part. Well folks, if a boat is sinking, there’s better chance of survival with two people bailing water, than just one; isn’t there? So, with the numerous issues we had, and only one wanting to do the work, my marriage met its watery demise.

I look around me and notice in my age bracket that there are those before me and many after me are experiencing the same idea (much, much different issues, lifestyles, and circumstances perhaps; but the same idea). Relationships are now viewed as so disposable. It’s no longer, “you played your part, I played mine, let’s accept responsibility and figure out what we need to fix to move forward (together); we love eachother enough to do this, right?”… I now see alot of “well, he/she did this, and while I love them, I don’t see any other way of this working out”….. Both of these statements have the word “love” in them but which one really portrays the ideal of love?? Has love become so skewed that it’s now disposable or undervalued? What is our definition of love? There’s different kinds of love, which one is it that we are now all getting into these long term relationships with? Or is it common practice that people seem to have romanticized love so much that if it’s not easy and wonderful all of the time that it’s not worth it? I’m confused with these values and interpretations.

Mind you, if your relationship STILL doesn’t work after an effort or attempt at working at it; I would not classify that as “disposable”. My point in this entry today is NOT to say if we’ve chosen that one person stay with them even if they make you miserable or you find you’re not compatible. Sometimes we do just find the wrong people for us and build on a different kind of love, it happens, and that’s not a bad thing. But the lack of trying I’ve experienced and noticed around me just flabbergasts me.

I am now shudder at the possibility of a “loving relationship” for fear of how love is viewed. I do not view it as disposable, but it seems that quite a few do! And I hear that it’s getting worse, I listen to younger generations and their relationship gripes (I know, I know; alot of people talk to me about relationship trials and problems…. Yeah, that’s right, talk to the SINGLE chick about relationships; she must know what she’s doing! LOL), and it’s scary what love/commitment means now! For my future (if I ever get around to having any) children, I am petrified what marriage will look like to their generation and the generations after them. Will futuristic great, great grandchildren be sitting around in future races of instantly gratified and spoiled people saying “wow, can you believe when my great, great, grandmother was alive, they had these ceremonies and a piece of paper that meant you had to be with ONLY one person like for more than when the great sex and fun times ran out?? As if! Who would do that, if it wasn’t easy and wonderful, how could you even bother with keeping it?!”

I could be looking at this harshly friends, but I’d love to generate discussion. Disposable love, is it a commonality now? Like everything else in this world, even materialistically, perhaps “it’s just not built like it used to be?” What are your thoughts? What’s worth it?
Myself; I’m a flawed individual, I’m not perfect, I’m human…(and albeit a little difficult and stubborn—and I will note not to refer any potential partners to reading my blog now, hahaha)… Therefore, am I going to have a problem at some point in a relationship, will there be mistakes made? HELL YES. Unavoidable I’m afraid, but with this new (and seemingly common) perspective of love being so disposable, I fear if I will find what I’m looking for.

Still learning….

Oh! You Pretty Things…

Great Bowie song, right?
When I was younger I used to see pretty/good looking men as a challenge; when I didn’t realize the value of a person outside of esthetics (actually I should never say I didn’t see the inner value of someone, I guess I should say I had different interest in a person then from now), I sadly used to go to the bar with a friend (albeit male friend) and we started to bet eachother drinks that the other couldn’t get a phone number or date with..And then proceed to point out the most gorgeous person of opposite gender in the bar. In retrospect, I can’t ever believe I was that vain, but at the time it used to build/boost my self esteem if I could attain that “trophy” guy. In my younger time, I “won” some of those “trophy guys”; again I don’t know why I would ever assume that those who were particularly handsome wouldn’t see how wonderful and terrific I was, but my self esteem used to be a funny thing. All I really ended up winning me was superficial relationships; and in turn this wasn’t really a self esteem builder. Also being more forgiving of unacceptable treatment because of a pretty exterior, didn’t really help my cause either. It’s funny how one can have a skewed logic of how something could improve their self image; “attain the seemingly unattainable = accomplishment”…NOT! Besides, thinking back… Who the hell is someone to be deemed unattainable?! That’s suggesting that someone is “above” me. No one is above anyone, really, let’s not kid ourselves here folks…

But, that was a long time ago.. I’d like to think that I have since grown as a person.. Keep going with me folks, this precursor does have a point.

Just because a guy is good looking does not mean that they can treat me as any less than what I am; I’m not necessarily hard on the eyes, I’m loving, kind, honest, and genuine. This girl is not going to fall all over herself to please you if you’re not putting in the work too! There… Sometimes I feel like this life thing should come with “level achievements”, you know, like a video game? I reached this achievement level long ago, but it’s come into a play alot more often lately. I’ve been sincerely trying to “weed out” the unbeneficial relationships in my life and trying to put out the right energy to get the type of romantic relationship (and even non romantic relationships) that I want in my life. This entails being more firm with how I wish to be treated, despite pretty faces. Sometimes I find this a struggle, as I hate to admit it, but sometimes a type of a “partial relationship” (ie. casual, not totally healthy, any other term that is not what I want, etc.) I can sometimes justify (only in my own mind, though I do know better) as better than nothing. Though lately, I’ve been dealing with nothing, more often than not.

In the past week I’ve been tested in this thought process twice…

A little background about a guy that I chat with every now and then; very casually, very playfully…The summer past I went to Ireland with some family, and while there we got to observe some of the World Fire and Police Games; this is police officers and firefighters from around the world competing in games. My uncle, whom is a fire fighter was competing, this is how we came to be attending this. Well, who would’ve thought that you would have to be across the ocean on vacation to meet a young, gorgeous firefighter that actually lived an hour and a half away from me. At a party I was introduced to this tall, dark featured Adonis of a man, and friendly to boot! This guy could’ve been in those firefighter calendars that are so popular for fundraising in my area. At the time, he flashed smiles while sitting beside me at a table with others we knew and drinking while good time ensued with picture taken and laughter shared (charmingly commenting that we took good photos together and we could probably use them on our wedding invite; the guy was almost disgustingly charming, and very smooth lol). He invited me out to party with him that eve after the group party; having a partner at home (my Chameleon aka Mr. It’s not You, It’s Me) I politely declined the invitation of this funny, personable (and I have mentioned gorgeous, right?) man, thinking that my partner wouldn’t appreciate me going out with an essential stranger.

Fast forward to present day…After becoming single, I enlisted my uncle to help his “poor, single niece” meet a nice boy. I got Mr. Gorgeous Firefighter’s phone number. We chat via text every now and then, as said, light and playful. We keep promising to meet up next time I’m up near his area (as I visit there once a month or every two months). This past weekend I was near him, but he was working unfortunately. But he offered the consolation of a breakfast date after he got off shift (poor guy was on a 24 hour); I think he was over ambitious as I received a text in the morning “I’m sorry, I am so tired and need rest”..Poor guy, I couldn’t adjust to those kinds of shifts, and I definitely couldn’t fault him for cancelling. I told him it wasn’t a problem and promised to attempt plans and meeting up another time when he wasn’t working….. I got a text later that morning; inviting me over to his place and that “he promised he’d try to be clothed” if I wished to visit for a while… Cheeky monkey……Part of me, and I probably don’t have to tell you which part, half contemplated going to over to his place to see if he tried hard enough to be clothed in my presence. The sensible part of me said no, starting anything off like that would only provide instant gratification and not amount to anything serious or real, and that’s what I was looking for, right?……RIGHT? Although, the man fills out a t-shirt quite solidly from what I can tell, surely it wouldn’t hurt to just….NO……You see how these inner struggles can go… Miss Sensible won out, politely declined and told him to enjoy his nudity (I can be cheeky too, haha) and relaxing. I think we left off at trying to attempt dinner next time…

Also recently, after about a month and half of no communication, I hear from Mr. I Knew Better.. Who very generically says that he hopes I am well, and that he’s sorry he’s been out of touch and that it won’t always be this way. Now I have to reiterate, I am an empathetic person, but this individual has essentially cut me out of their life, and now acts as if all is normal and this is normal behaviour. Where I come from, you don’t tell someone you like them and then after an issue (albeit unrelated to me) comes up you pretend they don’t exist. Not cool, not acceptable… But sadly, with this good looking man, there is a history there; I know what it feels like for him to hold me, I know what his lips feel like…. I almost responded to his message with “oh, that’s alright, you know, life happens”, wanting to preserve “something”. Initial logic mentioned above of something being better than nothing; or even better the logic of better the devil you know than the devil you don’t…But I thought, nope, don’t be a schmuck; his behaviour was unacceptable. I backspaced my original message and then told him as much and wished him well. Although I still maintained not being a bitch about it (although very irritated with him).

So… you see that universe?! I didn’t follow the pretty boy (or my hormones for that matter)… Surely that should do something positive?!

Still learning….

Revealation

Well, the weekend was a fun one and interesting one.  I actually got out and exercised one of those social life things.  Even got to spend some time with an ex of mine that I actually have kept as a friend (for some reason having exes as friends is a rarity for me).  But it’s really great when aspects of my past get along with present people in my life; for example “Mr. Wrong” had a lovely poker game with the sister of “Mr. I Knew Better”.  I do tend to get myself into the most interesting situations, though this one in particular caused a bit of a giggle as I noticed similarities between two men that I’ve dated who just happened to be in the same occupation (I’d hate to say I have a type and I’ll argue that I don’t; but I’m admittedly a sucker for a guitar player, but I think I’ve almost gotten that out of my system).

Mr. Wrong has read this blog, and the entry about him in particular, and sees this exactly for what it is; about me, not the men.  Although, sometimes I do digress on tangents when annoyed with actions of the romantic interest(s) in my life, this writing is about me and learning about what I’m looking for and how to find it, as well as mistakes I make, where I can improve; all self analysis.  We actually got the chance to discuss this quite candidly, and poor bugger does let me be brutally honest and I as well accept his honesty in return.  “How’s the writing coming along and incidentally the love life?”, I proceed to share about “Mr. I Knew Better”, and the fact that I’m slightly annoyed with him.  I continue to lament that I just don’t seem to attract the type of men to me that are looking for something worthwhile.  “Well, what’s your type? You must have one..Musicians?”, he asks with a broad grin.  I grumble and then swat at him while laughing, claiming to not have a “type”.  I then proceed to advise him that though both men in conversation are musicians they are as different as night and day; he opened the door for comparison afterall..Your stage personas are different… your personalities are different (one is extroverted, while the other is introverted)….one blonde, other brunette….one is taller… they both have different playing styles…”you must have a type, a trait that I have and that others you have dated possess as well”, he pushed…..  Can any of you discuss your relationships this candidly with an ex, inclusive of what makes you incompatible with them?

Light bulb moment… “well you’re passive, that used to drive me nuts…and wait…”Mr. I Knew Better”, also passive”…. A trait I like about Mr. Wrong, he’s self aware and can discuss himself openly..Please keep in mind readers, I’m not having a conversation with an ex-boyfriend and insulting him, he’s passive, and he knows it; and passivity isn’t necessarily a negative, it’s a personality trait….I could chronicle my entire dating/relationship life with that one trait, passive.  Passive is my complete polar opposite; aren’t opposites supposed to attract or balance eachother or something? That’s the common trait I announced, I seem to attract passive men.  “Ah, but do you attract that to you, or do you look for it?”.. Ah, Mr. Wrong, how I’ve missed this aspect of you, always pushing the conversation to make me think.

I sit quietly reflecting.. No… When I meet men initially, I would have no idea they’re passive..In fact the two men that we initially started comparing in our conversation (himself included) had both approached me in the whole dating thing, not really a passive trait.  And I certainly don’t enjoy passive personalities nor would want one as a partner; I like equality, someone able to voice things, has a mind they express; a strong personality if you will.  I don’t wish to be the dominant/stronger personality; I want an equal playing field, or maybe even someone a tad bit stronger than me.  So I definitely wouldn’t say I look for passive.  But having a willing candidate in conversation, I thought I’d take the opportunity to ask, “what attracted you to me?”.

I was told I’m an attention getter.. I’m not sure I liked the sound of that, that sounds like someone who’s very showy and has to be centre of things;  that’s not quite me.. Don’t get me wrong, I adore attention, I do; probably why I take to the stage at times…But “attention getter” was a term that made me think of trying too hard for the “look at me” appearance.  He then explained it didn’t necessarily have to do with appearance; but that I possess a strong personality and spirit, a trait that he has been attracted to in most of the previous women he has dated also…  He’s also single at this point, so I’m not sure that these specific opposite traits attracting worked for him either..

So, now I have some information, that is somewhat new in realization to ponder.. now what do I do with it?  Ask a guy upon meeting, “excuse me, but would you call yourself a passive person?”.. I’m not sure how this knowledge is going to benefit me, but I’ll find a way for it to.

Still learning….

Heart has a memory…

heart

I had an absolutely lovely and sunny Easter Sunday, I had just finished my traditional brunch and mimosa (although some years baileys and coffee) and Monty Python’s Holy Grail viewing with a dear friend. I think it’s been a tradition since my divorce, so no matter what, attached or single, I always will have this wonderful woman on this holiday. It’s nice to have a “thing” 🙂

On my way home I drove past Tim Horton’s and in passing saw friends that I met through my “Chameleon” (see previous blog post); they were out for a coffee and a ride. I didn’t notice my ex’s bike, so I figured it was safe to stop and say hello. I hadn’t seen these people since splitting with my ex last year, and where we’ve still kept in touch, with the not so nice winter, and everyone’s busy schedules we haven’t had a chance to visit in a while. It was nice to have a catch up chat, I really do like these people.

“I miss being on the back of a bike” I lament to my friends. What’s unfortunate is my ex was into motorcycles, when we met I was not; though after much convincing I was coaxed (patiently) onto the back of a sport bike, and I LOVED IT! But sadly, no more ex = no more bike. My friends took pity on me and offered me a quick jaunt on the bike. It was funny in a way… I used to equate being on the back of a bike as an almost sensual experience (especially on the back of a sport bike). I don’t know how many of my readers out there are ever passengers on motorcycles, but there is a difference. On a street bike or “cruiser”, you are comfortable and in a sitting position, and quite frankly you don’t even need to really touch the person driving if you don’t want to, there is space and things to hold onto. But on a sport bike, your knees are higher and in less of a sitting position, and whether you like the driver or not you’re in close proximity and you can essentially hold onto them with your legs. The sensual creature in me loved this about being a passenger with my ex; every curve in the road, the bike went with it and both of your bodies moved in sync with the bike, and moved together. Actually funny anecdote that I’ll share because I can do so (somewhat) anonymously: at first when I was getting used to the bike I was a nervous passenger on corners and curves in the road, the whole balance thing and centre of gravity really worried me, in truth I was thinking too much about it. “Just relax, move with the bike, do what I do” would be how my ex would reason with me. Alright, move with his body, I could do that; kinda like sex 😉 So, when we would do bends or corners that would make me nervous at first, I just closed my eyes, leaned forward to feel his body and moved with him. You see how this could be a sensual experience for a couple? Anyhow, I digress from the point of this post, but a memory can just take you sometimes… Our minds, hearts AND bodies have a memory…

But as mentioned, my friends took pity on me and let me have a jaunt with the driver of the two. Although… He had a sport bike as well…. So my whole sensuality associated with riding really had to be tossed and quickly. I was almost awkward getting onto the back of the bike and allowing enough room in between us, but also not wanting to fall off the back of the bike… “Ah, screw it!” I thought. This guy has had a few passengers on his bike, this is just in my head; I need to stay on this bike after all. There’s was no wrapping arms or leaning in though, but I’m pretty sure I was going nowhere with my knees dug into hips LOL. After a nice little trip, and an hour or so of catching up and chit chat, their phone buzzed with a text message. “He’s out on the bike and is going to stop by, you ok with that?”.

“Free country” I reply. So, my Chameleon was dropping by… Did I need to leave? Should we tell him I’m here? … I have not laid eyes on him since the day we moved his stuff out and we communicated may once every two months at best (and only if I asked him how he was doing — I’m a softy like that—guys can be jerks and totally ignore me but if I feel empathetic toward them in any way I will still inquire on their well being on occasion instead of telling them to go do one). I’m trying to be cool and collected… Yeah.. Him showing up won’t bother me, just another failed relationship, we don’t hate eachother, we’re both good, reasonable people. I don’t want to seem like I can’t handle it, I’ll stick around, say hello to him… Couldn’t hurt…

When he showed there was the custom “hello, how are you?”, and I thought, I could even venture to give him a hug… At one point I was making an attempt to carry this man’s child, surely I couldn’t just greet him like I would the clerk at the corner store.. I may as well have offered a handshake. Nope, not me… Super woman, emotions of steel, has her shit together, has moved on.. I went in for the hug…

Now I’m not sure what the “rules” are but I figured, a quick, friendly hug and all would be good. He wrapped his arms totally around me, enveloping me, and continued to talk to me and hold me for what felt like a few minutes. My heart stung.. These arms were my safe haven for the worst time of my life, and these arms belonged to someone I had thought loved me and wanted to have a family with me. This is was supposed to be a casual, quick hug; he wasn’t supposed to hug me and hold me like he used to… The bastard…

Why does the heart have a memory? And though I’ve moved on and realized how him and I could’ve never worked (and hell have had someone since him that I also got to realize it wouldn’t work with….. lucky me); my heart still recognized that familiarity. The familiarity of someone I gave myself to totally and completely, which is funny because I have been married before and I never shared that connection with my ex-husband. My Chameleon aka Mr. It’s not You it’s Me (he’s seemingly been my topic a few times now), barely batted at eyelash I don’t think…

Suppose that pang of discomfort proves I can still feel… That’s fortunate, right?

Better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all, the old cliché saying goes.

Still learning….

Dating in modern society….

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“The power of attraction”… “What you put out to the universe is what you get back”….”Like attracts like”… “Be the relationship that you wish to have”….I’m not sure what other attraction phrases and/or clichés to include in here.  I’m not sure if Prince Charming caught the memo on any of these statements because I’ve totally been exemplifying everything that I’ve wanted in a relationship in my day to day life, and even in my non-romantic relationships… And well, this blog is still entitled “Waiting for Prince Charming”.

All of these above ideas I view positively.  I’m a good person, I communicate openly and honestly, I express interest in a person when I have it, I try not to leave people guessing when it comes to “does she or doesn’t she like me”, I’m warm and pleasant when I like someone; these are the things that I put out into the universe and I hope that the universe returns some semblance of these in Prince Charming.  But I received quite a shock today in an article I read about the “ugly truths about modern dating” and things that one should get used to while dating in today’s society.  This article has pretty much taken everything I thought in the above and tossed it out of the window and basically told me I’m doing everything wrong. One point that it expressed was, don’t express interest, the one who expresses the interest “holds less power in the relationship”.  I’m not a freakin’ politician vying for votes in a constituency, or a military looking to gain border in a country; if I wanted “power” the last thing I would be looking for would be a romantic PARTNER (partner indicating equality; not boss, not underling… partner!). This saddens me if this is where society is heading and I’m afraid I’m going to be single forever at this rate. 

Another point that it demonstrated is the avoidance of “labelling”; now sadly in my dating life I have run into numerous men that were not wanting to label anything.  This is sad truth that I’ve encountered has lead me to incorporate new terms into my vocabulary; I’ve gotten to learn the difference between “seeing someone” (going through the motions of spending time together, dates, maybe even sleeping with eachother, but God forbid exclusivity), “dating” (dating, maybe you’re exclusive that could be open for discussion, but we’re not in a serious thing), and “together/with someone/having a boyfriend, girlfriend, partner, etc” (a committed and exclusive relationship).  Unfortunately because I’ve allowed these new terms in my vocabulary, I have had less and less of the last term, shame on me for conforming to society on this one.  But because people are so conditioned to these different definitions, they are so flexible to non-committed relationships and because of their involvement in them less and less, they have become petrified of them.

This article also focused alot on new societal mannerisms due to technology and social media.  Have people really become so blasé about the importance of human contact and respect for one and other because of the ease of this technological age?  For instance, a point that was made was texting.  We have all become so reliant on the instantaneous communication that we’ve adapted to being able to cancel plans with people last minute because there’s less of a commitment now, you can catch someone at any moment to cancel; therefore people have become flaky.  Also to do with texting, people have become reliant on it that things such as actual voice conversations have become a thing of the past for the most part.  I can agree that I’m a happy little texter, alot of my job involves being on the phone so I’m not always a big talker on the phone.  BUT, if I want to have a conversation with a potential mate or an intimate conversation with my partner, I want to hear their voice, you can tell what someone is feeling, if they’re making a joke, if they’re serious, hurt, happy, etc.  Texting has no intonation and you can read no emotion out of it.  Alot of miscommunication happens via text messaging as words and context can be easily misconstrued.  Texting has also fed into the possible “psychological warfare” of the power struggle that was mentioned before.  I can be cool and aloof and not seeming over eager, and play this game by maybe not returning your text for a few hours, or even days.  Come on, really?!  Well the way I look at it, this is rude.  Texting is so simple and can be viewed as a positive for communication, and you know what?  It takes seconds. You’re not interested? Fine by me, don’t text!  But to use this as a game? Nope, I’m not buying it.  If I don’t measure up enough in your priorities to warrant 30 seconds of your precious time to return a text, I’ll assume you’re not interested.  Now, I get it, life is busy and things like work, socializing, people interaction, happens where one can’t be constantly on their cell phone.  But to go days? Not acceptable.  I’ve unfortunately been lenient on this one; Mr. “I Knew Better” was horrible for this at times not returning texts for days, but I knew damn well he pretty much always had his phone with him.

So these new societal norms of dating, how did they start?  How did they become popular?  Do these at all seem appealing?  I read them over and was flabbergasted (yes I used the word flabbergasted, but I’ve been assured this isn’t why I’m single lol)…. Two schools of thought that I have on this.. 1 – there are enough people that have been put through the proverbial ringer when it comes to love and just met enough shitty people out there that when this uncool behaviour was exemplified they just went “meh, I won’t rock the boat, I’ll accept that this is how it’s going to be”… 2 – there are enough jaded people out there that don’t believe in love or relationships in the true sense (or at least the true sense how I believe it), and have wanted to build this protective bubble around themselves to not be vulnerable or open themselves up to hurt in any way that they just start using this jerky behaviour that doesn’t really cultivate anything worth while…  Either way, I object!!!!  I am not “getting used to these ugly truths of modern dating”, I decide what my truths are!  Any of you reading this blog, you decide what you accept in your relationships and dating, you make your own “truth about dating”.  So please one by one people, if we can’t change the societal norm (or what I fear may yet become societal norm), we can make the change in our own lives and rise against this movement of jerky behaviour that’s poisoning the dating world and cultivating only self serving (instead of mutually serving) relationships! You can make the difference!  I have a dream, that one day….. Oh wait, someone has done a similar speech….

Anyhow people, we allow ourselves to be treated the way that we are, and set our standards for what we accept.. and what we won’t… I’m putting out into the universe positivity, warmth, and honesty; and hoping a get this in return…and power isn’t going to even be a concern when Prince Charming comes along… That’s my truth about dating in modern society; take it or leave it universe, society, whomever..

Still learning….