Revealation

Well, the weekend was a fun one and interesting one.  I actually got out and exercised one of those social life things.  Even got to spend some time with an ex of mine that I actually have kept as a friend (for some reason having exes as friends is a rarity for me).  But it’s really great when aspects of my past get along with present people in my life; for example “Mr. Wrong” had a lovely poker game with the sister of “Mr. I Knew Better”.  I do tend to get myself into the most interesting situations, though this one in particular caused a bit of a giggle as I noticed similarities between two men that I’ve dated who just happened to be in the same occupation (I’d hate to say I have a type and I’ll argue that I don’t; but I’m admittedly a sucker for a guitar player, but I think I’ve almost gotten that out of my system).

Mr. Wrong has read this blog, and the entry about him in particular, and sees this exactly for what it is; about me, not the men.  Although, sometimes I do digress on tangents when annoyed with actions of the romantic interest(s) in my life, this writing is about me and learning about what I’m looking for and how to find it, as well as mistakes I make, where I can improve; all self analysis.  We actually got the chance to discuss this quite candidly, and poor bugger does let me be brutally honest and I as well accept his honesty in return.  “How’s the writing coming along and incidentally the love life?”, I proceed to share about “Mr. I Knew Better”, and the fact that I’m slightly annoyed with him.  I continue to lament that I just don’t seem to attract the type of men to me that are looking for something worthwhile.  “Well, what’s your type? You must have one..Musicians?”, he asks with a broad grin.  I grumble and then swat at him while laughing, claiming to not have a “type”.  I then proceed to advise him that though both men in conversation are musicians they are as different as night and day; he opened the door for comparison afterall..Your stage personas are different… your personalities are different (one is extroverted, while the other is introverted)….one blonde, other brunette….one is taller… they both have different playing styles…”you must have a type, a trait that I have and that others you have dated possess as well”, he pushed…..  Can any of you discuss your relationships this candidly with an ex, inclusive of what makes you incompatible with them?

Light bulb moment… “well you’re passive, that used to drive me nuts…and wait…”Mr. I Knew Better”, also passive”…. A trait I like about Mr. Wrong, he’s self aware and can discuss himself openly..Please keep in mind readers, I’m not having a conversation with an ex-boyfriend and insulting him, he’s passive, and he knows it; and passivity isn’t necessarily a negative, it’s a personality trait….I could chronicle my entire dating/relationship life with that one trait, passive.  Passive is my complete polar opposite; aren’t opposites supposed to attract or balance eachother or something? That’s the common trait I announced, I seem to attract passive men.  “Ah, but do you attract that to you, or do you look for it?”.. Ah, Mr. Wrong, how I’ve missed this aspect of you, always pushing the conversation to make me think.

I sit quietly reflecting.. No… When I meet men initially, I would have no idea they’re passive..In fact the two men that we initially started comparing in our conversation (himself included) had both approached me in the whole dating thing, not really a passive trait.  And I certainly don’t enjoy passive personalities nor would want one as a partner; I like equality, someone able to voice things, has a mind they express; a strong personality if you will.  I don’t wish to be the dominant/stronger personality; I want an equal playing field, or maybe even someone a tad bit stronger than me.  So I definitely wouldn’t say I look for passive.  But having a willing candidate in conversation, I thought I’d take the opportunity to ask, “what attracted you to me?”.

I was told I’m an attention getter.. I’m not sure I liked the sound of that, that sounds like someone who’s very showy and has to be centre of things;  that’s not quite me.. Don’t get me wrong, I adore attention, I do; probably why I take to the stage at times…But “attention getter” was a term that made me think of trying too hard for the “look at me” appearance.  He then explained it didn’t necessarily have to do with appearance; but that I possess a strong personality and spirit, a trait that he has been attracted to in most of the previous women he has dated also…  He’s also single at this point, so I’m not sure that these specific opposite traits attracting worked for him either..

So, now I have some information, that is somewhat new in realization to ponder.. now what do I do with it?  Ask a guy upon meeting, “excuse me, but would you call yourself a passive person?”.. I’m not sure how this knowledge is going to benefit me, but I’ll find a way for it to.

Still learning….

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A poem: Medieval Battle

dragon-fight-knight

An older poem that I wrote when my marriage ended…

The dragon has returned/ I pull my sword to fight/ The blade will not unsheath/ I try with all my might/ Defenseless I try to run/ Yet my feet only stand still/ The dragon smirks in triumph/ He knows I’m at his will/ My heart renders me useless/ Unable to return attack/ I think in mind he knows this/ But he fails to hold back/ Defeated I remove my breastplate and cast it to the ground/ The dragon turns away not wanting to finish the round/ I scream out in frustration “kill me, tis what you want!!”/ The dragon but still walking turns slightly to show taunt/ I crumple to the ground/ My sword can now unsheath/ I think now “until next time”/ But know I am niave/ Because I know that dragon/ Without his fire and bite/ Is someone who was special/ He used to be my knight..

It’s not you, it’s me…

What a crock! Hands up if you’ve heard this line before? I bet if we were all in a room together there would not be many of us sitting smugly with our hands down. Well, unless you’re the one that uses this cliché as your out in your relationships. Ok, ok, sure, there are some out there that legitimately realize that there’s an issue within them that prevents them from a healthy relationship, or a realization of a difference that could lead to potential relationship problems down the road. But for the love of all that is holy in this world, tell the truth! Just using the blanket statement of “it’s not you, it’s me” and that’s it, is a total cop out and really unfair to the receiving party. Now I know there are some of us out there that believe this is “the nice way” of doing things, using such a vague statement is meant to make the receiving party feel that it’s really nothing that they did or could’ve done and you don’t have to have an icky, uncomfortable conversation of what didn’t work in the relationship and can maybe stay friends because they can’t call you a “jerk” for taking the sole blame of the relationship ending on your shoulders, right?

I’ve experienced this first hand in the recent few months. A fairly serious relationship at that and I get a phone call while they’re away across the country and the words you never want to hear from your partner when the relationship is going seemingly well, “this isn’t working, and has to end”. Now, I give myself credit in this department, and it has to be said I think I am quite level headed when it comes to relationships ending. This isn’t my first rodeo; sometimes I’ve had to end relationships, sometimes it’s been mutually ended, and yes I’ve even been on the receiving end of the “this isn’t working” conversation (though, who in their right mind would give up this, right? –note: this is not arrogance folks, I am a good catch, this is called confidence and knowing one’s self). So, while I’m gobsmacked from this seemingly wonderful relationship all of a sudden ending, mustering composure, I ask, why? What happened?…..I don’t go off the handle, I don’t scream, I don’t start throwing things, I don’t break his things, I don’t toss his clothing out of the nearest window, I do not throw a tantrum that a two year old could be proud of (you laugh, but I have known grown women to go totally off the deep end when a break up happens, we’re an emotional gender and it can happen before we even realize it’s going on to reign it in). I’m still ever learning at this relationship thing, I want to know what went wrong, was it something I did, was it something he did, something that I should’ve looked for, was it something that was out of my control, too fast, too slow, someone else, incompatibility, what???? I was told no solid reason, he responded with, that’s right, you guessed it: “it’s not you, it’s me”. I’m in shock at this point, someone who claimed to love me in every way just used the biggest break up cliché in the world on me! There’s silence on the line, and he chooses to continue on the same line of reasoning, “you’re wonderful, and you’ve done nothing wrong”, this snaps me back to the conversation at hand, “oh I know, I was a good partner”, I responded strongly. More silence, I’m not sure that’s the response he expected, I think he was more prepared to argue with/convince me that I did nothing wrong. “Well, good I’m glad you know that”, he finally said. I have to admit, my ex was an inherent people pleaser and had a personality trait of wanting everyone to like him and think he was a nice guy, and keeping true to this personality I’m thinking that’s why he chose his verbiage as such. And, in the past for him, when he’s ended relationships this way, I’m sure the women have sniffled an understanding and let the conversation end at this, and part ways in a friendly manner letting him take full blame, but the blame for what not ever be quite sure.

Before I continue, I should explain something about myself for those who don’t know me and are new to me as they’ve stumbled across this blog. I am a wonderfully communicative person, I try to be reasonable and understanding towards most, and I am brutally honest, almost to a fault; and I appreciate all of these qualities in someone when they are dealing with me as well…

So, did I let this poor lad off with the uncomplicated and self sacrificing ending that he probably wanted? Nope! I wanted to understand, I wanted to know what the problem was, no matter who that problem was with! So in this circumstance “it’s not you, it’s me” wasn’t an appropriate ending note. We talked, and talked, I asked any question I could to try and understand what was happening. I gave him total absolution of any ill will toward him, as long as he was honest. By occupation I sometimes have to take the role of a teacher/facilitator, and I even tried incorporating useful traits from this into my personal life at this point; I asked probing questions, I offered scenarios, I empathized even, all to try and get some actual reasoning for this relationship coming to an end. Unfortunately, he was stubborn and thoroughly convinced that “it’s not you, it’s me” was the way to go, despite how I explained a need for closure and how a reason would actually help me, I never got it….

In my opinion, any relationship ending when you don’t want it to is going to hurt, but it would’ve helped me to process that hurt a little quicker and more easily if I could’ve gotten some honesty and a lesson learned out of it perhaps. I understand some of those “nice people” out there, that don’t want to hurt feelings, and want to shoulder the entire brunt of the relationship ending to avoid hurting another person. Or, maybe there are those out there that don’t want to admit to another person the actual issues they have, and just use this blanket statement to try and avoid expressing their vulnerabilities. But the person that is on the receiving end of “it’s not you, it’s me”, are you doing them any favours? Closure is such a hard thing to come to on your own without any solid reasoning, and being a person that processes things factually when there is not fact given or nothing to learn, it’s a challenge. Now this is not a challenge that cannot be overcome, it’s just a challenge, and in my view, perhaps an unnecessary one this time.

As I’ve explained previously, I love me, and I’m honest with me; that gave me my closure. I tried my best in my relationship with honesty and love, and there was never a mistake of what I wanted in my relationship; and that is how I sleep at night. As for it not being me, it was him; it probably was him and whether he didn’t want to admit to me (or himself for that matter) what the issue was, he lost a good woman. I am a catch 😉

Still learning…..