Easter hiccup

Easter weekend was the weekend that Prince Charming and I were to attend our first family dinner with his family.. I was incredibly nervous.. Pick a stigma about being the first girlfriend after an ex-wife and I’ve experienced it, the Prince and I have had to work through alot. So needless to say, I was worried about being judged or compared against the ex-wife, or just plain being unaccepted or not given the chance during this family gathering. But I was prepared! I was to come bearing sweets, wine, and to just be my charming self… I’ve already made my mark on previous difficult in-laws and challenging mothers of Momma’s boys (not that Prince Charming is a Momma’s boy, but overbearing mothers are a partner’s biggest challenge was more my point), having them fall in love with me and developed some wonderful relationships with parents of ex-partners.. So figuring this was my best friend, I’m already known to some of his family, it’s evident that I love him and treat him well and given his ex-wife is being a tad bit difficult in the whole divorce process; I thought I was being silly perhaps, and shouldn’t worry as much… They would totally see how wonderful I was! Just being in our presence, you can see how well I get along with and love my Prince and Little Parrot.

Prince Charming and I were to be hosting at his house, putting on dinner for his daughter, his folks, his sister and brother-in-law. I was already in planning mode, gently coaxing the Prince for what I could make, bring, cook, etc… I love entertaining! And this was a huge step for us, our first family function! I was looking forward to it immensely.

Then Thursday came….. and the hiccup….

His mother called, there was a scheduling issues which would turn out to be more feasible to host dinner at his folks’ place….

“And oh, by the way… Could we just have the family this time?..I’m not ready for someone new yet”…..

Prince Charming had to relay to me his conversation with his mother…My worry about being judged, or not given a chance just punched me in the stomach.. I felt ill…I started crying.. Another challenge or obstacle, this time from the people who love my guy the most and who were supposed to support him.

Then I went from tears and sadness, to feeling angry! As if the line had been drawn in the sand.. I now had an enemy and someone I had to steel myself against…I have met this woman in passing before, and she seemed sweet, but now to me, she was the wicked witch of the west! That’s how I felt at the time anyway… I don’t even think I’d uninvite someone who was acquaintance, let alone someone a family member deemed important enough to them to invite in the first place.

Prince and Little Parrot went away to family Easter dinner without me.. I was a ball of emotion between sadness and anger. I had hoped Prince Charming would have a chat with the Wicked Witc… I mean, his mother…

He did… Apparently she needed time to mourn his ex, and was well aware of how he, I, and his daughter function together as our own little unit; she wasn’t ready to see that for a prolonged period of time yet (she spent a few hours with us a couple weeks prior, which I thought went pretty darn well myself). How my Prince puts it is: “I wouldn’t have received a fair chance at acceptance yet”. But he relayed to his mother how important I was to him, and that I’m not going anywhere (that’s my man!).

But now… When I eventually do get to this whole family thing with his side, how do I not have the first impression of being “unwelcome” in the back of my mind? She hurt me… I couldn’t believe it happened (and in truth, Prince Charming couldn’t either)…. I’m not saying I hold grudges, but I never forget things… and sometimes I have trouble letting go of things that bother me… things I have to work on I guess.

So.. I suppose I just smile, like there’s no hard feelings? The bottle of wine and Easter card I sent in my absence should relay that I hope? I’m trying not to have hard feelings at least.. I just pretend it didn’t happen? Yes, yes, I’m well aware I can’t refer to her as the Wicked Witch of the West… She’s probably not a bad lady, she did produce something pretty wonderful afterall (her son)… She just hurt me, though probably not intentionally (I hope).

More time needed for everyone… Just because Prince Charming and his daughter are comfortable and ready to move forward, doesn’t necessarily mean everyone else in life is. I guess I just expected a chance, as that would be supporting Prince Charming and his happiness; but not all think the same way and have that definition of “support”.

I am with him, not his family… And him and I are good! But it sure makes life easier when your significant other’s family at least tolerates you. I have to admit, this past weekend did make me feel a tad bit defeated….

Now to just get past this….

Still learning….

Advertisements

Friendship turned romance… could it work?

You ever have that one friend? You know the one; they’re the opposite gender, if you’ve been burned by their gender they are the only one you still like, they pick you up when you’re down, they tell you that men (or women) that can’t see the wonderful person that is you are idiots, they commiserate with you, they ask you advice on your own gender… You talk through relationship problems ‘til the wee hours of the morning, he’s your shoulder to cry on and purveyor of your favourite foods when you’re having a day from hell…You are like allies from two opposing camps.. You’d never hurt eachother because you can just “be” with eachother, no expectations, no let down, and neither of you is looking to get something from the other.. It’s probably your safest and healthiest relationship; because he’s your best guy friend (**or female friend; depending on reader gender) and romantically you just aren’t available to eachother.

But what if that ever changed? Imagine it, someone who knows the real you; because let’s admit it, when we meet a new romantic interest we definitely try to put our best side forward; but this friend, they’ve seen you unfiltered, the good, the bad, and they still want to be with you! What if your best friend became your love interest?

You both know what you’re getting, you already have fun together, and you know eachother’s quirks and eccentricities. You’re honest, you never developed that filter because it was alright to be open with your best friend. Maybe this could be a good thing? Or at the very least, an interesting thing!

When I’ve started dating people they were always people that I had met that had romantic interest in me right away or wanted to date.. To go from friends to lovers is an interesting and new concept to me… But maybe that’s what I’ve always needed and why nothing worked before?

Still learning….

Welcome 2015

Happy New Year readers! I wish you all health, wealth and prosperity for this new year and hope that you all had a wonderful holiday season!
As you may guess, or may know from past experiences, or have even read on here from last year; the holidays can be a difficult time for some and where is should be a time for good things, it’s also a time that reminds some of what they don’t have.
Being divorced, 30, childless, and still very much grieving the loss of a parent; admittedly the holidays aren’t my favourite time. Don’t get me wrong, I have a wonderful family and spent alot of time with them, and made some wonderful memories. But a large part of the Christmas excitement (for me) is children and gift opening and their smiles and excitement with all of the holiday hustle and bustle. My young cousins are getting older now, and where I still took joy in seeing them this Christmas, I have to confess, my own biological clock and maternal need is becoming more apparent (it’s probably uncool, as a 13 year old and a 10 year old to have a 30 year old woman fuss over you and try to be overly helpful/motherly).
Though, throughout the holidays, I spent alot of time with a dear friend whom has a young daughter that I adore; and much to my delight seems to adore me just as well. This time was a double edged sword; where I cherish it and took delight in a young one wanting me around, it also caused the ticking to become louder and more thinking about mortality and what legacy I am to leave behind. I find this a common thought pattern among women in similar position to mine.
Christmas did come and go, with wonderful meals and times with family and friends. There was much food, fun, laugher, drinks, and not too much dwelling (though teary moments did come when witness to some special father-daughter moments that reminded me of my own).
Then New Year’s Eve came; a time to close out a year, and focus on a new chapter of life in the coming new year. When midnight December 31 turns to January 1; it feels as if there’s a new start point, or a turn around point. There are many inspirational things on social media that portray, “goals”, “things to do different”, “how to be better” in the new year. My New Year’s Eve was spent in the company of someone special to me; where there was just dinner had and then a relaxing eve of television watching, very simple and uneventful. No partying (I think we may have even dozed off before midnight – but don’t tell anyone I’m that exciting lol), no (like one drink) drinking, no entertaining; just two people enjoying eachother’s company. On new year’s day, a friend of mine asked me how my eve was to which I responded “amazing, I don’t think I’ve ever felt so sure that I was exactly where I needed to be”….I’ve never felt that in my life, and shocked myself with this automatic use of the word “amazing”, not much has been “amazing” for me in quite sometime. Perhaps I needed the simplicity of that evening?
So I wish each and every one of you a wonderful, brand new 2015.. Full of new starts and better things than 2014.. I have a very good feeling about this one. Perhaps 2015 is the year of Prince Charming?
A girl can dream 😉
Still learning….

Grieving a Relationship

When a relationship ends, it’s much like a death; where you may not lose this person out of your life completely, it’s still the end of the person you knew as they were with you. There may even be the token “5 Stages of Grief” (Isolation/Denial….Anger…Bargaining…Depression….Acceptance), as again, these are all steps dealing with loss, and this is a loss, perhaps not physical, but all stages are applicable.

There will be a roller coaster of emotions; some days you will be fine and optimistic about moving on, while others you will feel life going forward is seemingly impossible. You will be reasonable and logical or an emotional mess. But know one thing, it’s all normal and we all handle a relationship ending in our own way.

When my marriage ended, at the time, I had wondered why I wasn’t very depressed for long? I had thought that this one person was the one I was going to spend the life with, and when we finally called it quits sure I was upset, but I wasn’t in the depressed stage for long and moved on to acceptance quite quickly. I thought this odd for someone I spent a good 4-5 years of life with (I married young), and even questioned my love for him due to this. But when I reflected on this (with also the assistance of a therapy session or two), I realized due to the intensity of issues in the marriage I started my grieving process before we officially admitted to eachother that we were not going to work. We loved eachother, I don’t doubt that now, but perhaps just not as a husband and wife should. But when we got to the last point of “let’s split”, I had already denied problems and that all would work out for our “happily ever after”, I had already got angry when we both couldn’t work together through the problems, I had already attempted bargaining and “putting the marriage on life support”, and I was sad that the marriage wasn’t working and that we weren’t happy… I put best effort into it, when it was done, I was accepting.

Mind you in my first serious relationship following my marriage, because I was blindsided and there was no indication to me of the relationship failing, I got to feel and remember these stages of grief more vividly and quite consciously remember them all; that and this sadly paralleled with losing my father to cancer quite closely. Being aware of the stages of grief and recognizing them definitely helped with processing them (and still does).

How do you get over it you ask? Well I don’t think we ever do, it just dulls a bit and we take/learn from it. Again, I cannot stress enough that this blog is not an advice column, I am by no means a professional (although with my relationship experiences, I’m thinking I could start my dissertation soon, hahaha), but just speaking to my own experiences, thoughts and opinions.
Here’s how I dealt…

1. I talked to someone. Talk to whomever you’re comfortable with: friend, family member, etc.. Now at the time when my marriage ended, I felt ashamed.. I was young and didn’t exactly realize right away that it takes two to tango and felt like a failure as a wife. So I wasn’t exactly great about opening up to friends and family right away. But I was referred to a therapist through work, and had a few sessions just to work through my divorce/separation; and it was one of the most positive experiences for my grieving because I looked at her one day and said, “how many of these sessions should we have?”.. To which she responded “you have a firm grasp of what’s going on and what happened here, and what you’re experiencing emotionally is normal. You are quite rational and aware.. If you feel you need to come back, please do, but I don’t feel I need to see you”. Ha! NORMAL! Someone called me normal! But it was a relief for what I was going through at the time that someone told me it was normal and allowed. I then opened up to friends and family about it….. NOW, being a seasoned griever, the trick is to get me to not talk to those close to me about my feelings, I’m quite expressive (lucky them).

2. Once I got the above approval that I was “normal”, I stopped trying to fit into a “box” or timeline of how long getting over my relationship should take. We all process things with our thoughts and emotions in our own time. Now there are articles out there written that it will take you X number of months of being single for every X number years that you were married/in a relationship to heal. But I think as humans we are all too unique to fit into such a formula. You will know when you start to feel better, and don’t compare to anyone else and their timeline for dealing.

3. I grieved; I dwelled, but didn’t stay there too long. It’s sad, talk, cry, look at the mementos, remember, and grieve. You are allowed to feel, you are allowed to be sad. But don’t stay there and live. Life goes on whether we want it to or not, and we can either go with it or fight it; funny enough fighting it takes way more energy than going with it. With the serious relationship after my marriage, because it was so close to losing my father, I think I dealt with both losses at the same time. I almost was in danger of staying there and dwelling. I was (am) fortunate enough to have a good support network around me that prompted me that I was dwelling and it wasn’t healthy to stay where I was. It took much more energy when I pitied and isolated myself, then it did when I moved forward and went on with life.

4. I put mementos in a safe place. At first they were a comfort, during the teary, dwelling portion of grieving…It’s funny when a relationship ends, but I seem to go through the self induced torture of reviewing all photos, notes, ticket stubs, cards, any memento (I’m sentimental and value silly things like corks from first bottle of wine shared, ticket stubs, etc.).. But once I have that heartbreaking, knock down-drag out tear fest, I then can move forward. I then threw out some things, because I don’t need to keep everything. But I put the photos and few mementos that I did keep away, they were memories and part of my life, but I don’t need them displayed as a constant reminder nor do I need those around me (or potential new mates)to see photos of an ex.

As much as I move forward and find my positives in life and am even open to the possibilities of a new relationship; to this day, I still at times grieve my marriage and grieve other important relationships that I no longer have. But I try to remember: they were a life experience, I’ve learned about myself each time and with each loss, and they have all made me who I am today..

I’ve also learned that resilience is my best quality! (haha, perhaps not to brag about?).

Still learning…

The one who came before…

before me
When we venture around the earth and enter into these dating/relationship/romance realms, what is it that we all have? A heart? Yep, it’s an organ, pumps blood. Perhaps not always in the emotional sense of the word though…. An expectation? Yeah probably, we have an idea of what we’re looking for or why we want a partner, sure… A pulse? Well, hopefully, otherwise this would be a different type of blog and what you’re doing is illegal (LOL)…
What we all have that I’m talking about is…. A past.

We are not all clean as fresh fallen snow, and at this stage in life (well at least at my age) we’ve at least had one experience of having our heart ripped out of our chest, thrown to the ground, and stomped on; I don’t use this analogy bitterly but more so to relay the intensity of the feeling…
We are going to make a comparison to those that happen in our present, and in our futures; we are human and it’s going to happen naturally and not through any fault of the new person in our life. AND, we are going to have to deal with the fact that with that wonderful new person in our life that someone in fact did come before us. Shocking, I know… Why can’t the human race have reserved someone especially for us that hasn’t had to endure their own special brand of crazy with another, or have dealt with a previous heartbreak, or have dealt with a prior jaded individual?…”Excuse me please, powers that be: I’d like this one reset to factory default settings please”…

The above is not going to happen, accept it, life happens… Not only for you, but for them too. So, we meet Mister or Miss Wonderful, and they are just.. well.. wonderful! And then the thoughts creep in… “The one who came before me”…Let’s talk about this, shall we?

It really works from both sides; let’s start with ourselves and our comparison to those who came before our Mister or Miss Wonderful. I’d really like to think we take our people from our past as a positive, learning experience; even if it’s as simple as “that was what I don’t want”. So you will spend time with the new person in your life, and your mind with creep back to “Mister or Miss Ex, used to do this..” or “I didn’t like it when they did…” or “I liked it when they did…. and Mister or Miss Wonderful reminds me of them in that way…”..Now while these are all normal and naturally occurring thoughts, and you could probably use them to help your new relationship (or potential relationship) grow; DO NOT and I mean DO NOT, voice these comparisons aloud. Your new interest will likely not appreciate it, no matter how constructively you pitch it. It’s quite probable that you will share stories of exes, and things you’ve done, that’s one thing; you’re telling your new interest things about your life (which happened to include someone else at one point). But, you don’t need to voice anything comparatively.

Now, how about our own thoughts about the “one that came before”? I honestly can’t comment for men on this factor, so if any male reader would care to comment their opinion, I’d be grateful; but I know women are horrible for this. As a woman, I am my own worst critic, and at times this can carry over into a new (or potential) relationship. You’re enjoying yourself with the new Mister or Miss Wonderful and then the thoughts creep into your mind: “did he/she do this with her/him?” or “did he/she enjoy this more with her/him?”.. or even “will he/she want the same things with me that he/she had with her/him?” Again, probably normally occurring thoughts, we do think about the pasts of people we’re with, and as said, can be our own worst critics or compare ourselves. Though, I’m thinking we probably shouldn’t voice our own personal comparison either. Because #1, confidence is attractive, and if we’re comparing ourselves to the one before us, that’s not really exuding confidence at all; and #2, Mister or Miss Wonderful is probably not even making that comparison that you are nine times out of ten…

When things are new, these comparisons are normal… But they should fade.. If things go well with this wonderful new person in your life, you will nurture things enough that you make eachother feel valued.. Maybe even valued enough that your mind won’t wander to worrying about the past and have you more focused on the present and future.

I have a past, you have a past, they have a past…. But let’s not let our own or their past get in the way. We were there, we hopefully learned from it, and let’s face it “the one who came before” is a past for a reason.

Still learning….

Disposable Love

My heart swelled, I was dressed in white, and tears flowed down my face as I whimpered and worried about causing my pristine make up to run… “I’ve known him a long time, you don’t have to cry hon, he’s not that bad of a guy”, my best man quipped at me, trying to make me laugh and stop crying. I was going through one of the most defining moments of life, that’s why I was crying! I was getting up in front of family and friends and declaring that I found that one special person that I loved and wanted to spend my life with. In that initial moment, before I walked down that aisle with tears in my eyes towards my husband-to-be, I had the whirlwind of life flashing before my mind’s eye. I saw us, our home, our vacations, our children, our holidays, and us sitting on our porch in rocking chairs surrounded by our grandchildren. Life was set, I was embarking on the next chapter, I had found THE ONE.

Now as you’ll notice from the title of this blog, the above scenario did not have the expected outcome. And furthermore, if you’ve read other entries in this blog you will find nothing worked out even close to anything I expected or desired.

When I got married, I said I’d only ever do so once.. This was with the impression that the marriage that happened once, lasted.. I still stand by the only ever getting married once, as I’m not sure I’ll be able to be convinced otherwise..(although I’m only being a realist here, not a pessimist…ultimately, you never know). But I never expected to be in this circumstance; married and divorced before 30. Funny though, isn’t it? That is usually the first thing that someone going through a separation or divorce will say; “I never thought I’d be going through this”… Well of course we didn’t think that, none of us would marry! If you EVER thought you’d be going through the difficulty, challenge and frustration that is a separation/divorce we would all be running in the total opposite direction of any potential future spouse, perhaps waving goodbye to them on the way (from an absolute safe and cautious distance!).
But in enduring my own experience and watching many (and sadly, I mean MANY) people around me experiencing dissolution of long term relationships; I’ve noticed a saddening difference and I do not know how to coin the comparison other than perhaps generationally.

I look at my parents’ generation, and even the generation before. When marriages happened, they tended to continue. Now, by no means were all of these marriages/relationships rainbows and roses. But I notice a decline from this in my own generation and generations that are following after me; it seems that everything is viewed as so DISPOSABLE now. I was raised that in a relationship you have communication, if there’s a problem: you express it, talk about it, and try to come to a means of resolution or compromise. But a relationship was work, you worked at it, and you worked at it because you love eachother. Life isn’t always going to be easy, but you should at least be standing as a united front in life. The key point of being united, is that you both have to want it.
Unfortunately in the dissolution of my own marriage, we didn’t share the whole “united” deal. I accepted accountability in my relationship, what I could do to help and what I had done to hinder. I communicated this, and wanted to move forward. While he was happy to have me accept all accountability and have no admittance to any issue on his part. Well folks, if a boat is sinking, there’s better chance of survival with two people bailing water, than just one; isn’t there? So, with the numerous issues we had, and only one wanting to do the work, my marriage met its watery demise.

I look around me and notice in my age bracket that there are those before me and many after me are experiencing the same idea (much, much different issues, lifestyles, and circumstances perhaps; but the same idea). Relationships are now viewed as so disposable. It’s no longer, “you played your part, I played mine, let’s accept responsibility and figure out what we need to fix to move forward (together); we love eachother enough to do this, right?”… I now see alot of “well, he/she did this, and while I love them, I don’t see any other way of this working out”….. Both of these statements have the word “love” in them but which one really portrays the ideal of love?? Has love become so skewed that it’s now disposable or undervalued? What is our definition of love? There’s different kinds of love, which one is it that we are now all getting into these long term relationships with? Or is it common practice that people seem to have romanticized love so much that if it’s not easy and wonderful all of the time that it’s not worth it? I’m confused with these values and interpretations.

Mind you, if your relationship STILL doesn’t work after an effort or attempt at working at it; I would not classify that as “disposable”. My point in this entry today is NOT to say if we’ve chosen that one person stay with them even if they make you miserable or you find you’re not compatible. Sometimes we do just find the wrong people for us and build on a different kind of love, it happens, and that’s not a bad thing. But the lack of trying I’ve experienced and noticed around me just flabbergasts me.

I am now shudder at the possibility of a “loving relationship” for fear of how love is viewed. I do not view it as disposable, but it seems that quite a few do! And I hear that it’s getting worse, I listen to younger generations and their relationship gripes (I know, I know; alot of people talk to me about relationship trials and problems…. Yeah, that’s right, talk to the SINGLE chick about relationships; she must know what she’s doing! LOL), and it’s scary what love/commitment means now! For my future (if I ever get around to having any) children, I am petrified what marriage will look like to their generation and the generations after them. Will futuristic great, great grandchildren be sitting around in future races of instantly gratified and spoiled people saying “wow, can you believe when my great, great, grandmother was alive, they had these ceremonies and a piece of paper that meant you had to be with ONLY one person like for more than when the great sex and fun times ran out?? As if! Who would do that, if it wasn’t easy and wonderful, how could you even bother with keeping it?!”

I could be looking at this harshly friends, but I’d love to generate discussion. Disposable love, is it a commonality now? Like everything else in this world, even materialistically, perhaps “it’s just not built like it used to be?” What are your thoughts? What’s worth it?
Myself; I’m a flawed individual, I’m not perfect, I’m human…(and albeit a little difficult and stubborn—and I will note not to refer any potential partners to reading my blog now, hahaha)… Therefore, am I going to have a problem at some point in a relationship, will there be mistakes made? HELL YES. Unavoidable I’m afraid, but with this new (and seemingly common) perspective of love being so disposable, I fear if I will find what I’m looking for.

Still learning….

Oh! You Pretty Things…

Great Bowie song, right?
When I was younger I used to see pretty/good looking men as a challenge; when I didn’t realize the value of a person outside of esthetics (actually I should never say I didn’t see the inner value of someone, I guess I should say I had different interest in a person then from now), I sadly used to go to the bar with a friend (albeit male friend) and we started to bet eachother drinks that the other couldn’t get a phone number or date with..And then proceed to point out the most gorgeous person of opposite gender in the bar. In retrospect, I can’t ever believe I was that vain, but at the time it used to build/boost my self esteem if I could attain that “trophy” guy. In my younger time, I “won” some of those “trophy guys”; again I don’t know why I would ever assume that those who were particularly handsome wouldn’t see how wonderful and terrific I was, but my self esteem used to be a funny thing. All I really ended up winning me was superficial relationships; and in turn this wasn’t really a self esteem builder. Also being more forgiving of unacceptable treatment because of a pretty exterior, didn’t really help my cause either. It’s funny how one can have a skewed logic of how something could improve their self image; “attain the seemingly unattainable = accomplishment”…NOT! Besides, thinking back… Who the hell is someone to be deemed unattainable?! That’s suggesting that someone is “above” me. No one is above anyone, really, let’s not kid ourselves here folks…

But, that was a long time ago.. I’d like to think that I have since grown as a person.. Keep going with me folks, this precursor does have a point.

Just because a guy is good looking does not mean that they can treat me as any less than what I am; I’m not necessarily hard on the eyes, I’m loving, kind, honest, and genuine. This girl is not going to fall all over herself to please you if you’re not putting in the work too! There… Sometimes I feel like this life thing should come with “level achievements”, you know, like a video game? I reached this achievement level long ago, but it’s come into a play alot more often lately. I’ve been sincerely trying to “weed out” the unbeneficial relationships in my life and trying to put out the right energy to get the type of romantic relationship (and even non romantic relationships) that I want in my life. This entails being more firm with how I wish to be treated, despite pretty faces. Sometimes I find this a struggle, as I hate to admit it, but sometimes a type of a “partial relationship” (ie. casual, not totally healthy, any other term that is not what I want, etc.) I can sometimes justify (only in my own mind, though I do know better) as better than nothing. Though lately, I’ve been dealing with nothing, more often than not.

In the past week I’ve been tested in this thought process twice…

A little background about a guy that I chat with every now and then; very casually, very playfully…The summer past I went to Ireland with some family, and while there we got to observe some of the World Fire and Police Games; this is police officers and firefighters from around the world competing in games. My uncle, whom is a fire fighter was competing, this is how we came to be attending this. Well, who would’ve thought that you would have to be across the ocean on vacation to meet a young, gorgeous firefighter that actually lived an hour and a half away from me. At a party I was introduced to this tall, dark featured Adonis of a man, and friendly to boot! This guy could’ve been in those firefighter calendars that are so popular for fundraising in my area. At the time, he flashed smiles while sitting beside me at a table with others we knew and drinking while good time ensued with picture taken and laughter shared (charmingly commenting that we took good photos together and we could probably use them on our wedding invite; the guy was almost disgustingly charming, and very smooth lol). He invited me out to party with him that eve after the group party; having a partner at home (my Chameleon aka Mr. It’s not You, It’s Me) I politely declined the invitation of this funny, personable (and I have mentioned gorgeous, right?) man, thinking that my partner wouldn’t appreciate me going out with an essential stranger.

Fast forward to present day…After becoming single, I enlisted my uncle to help his “poor, single niece” meet a nice boy. I got Mr. Gorgeous Firefighter’s phone number. We chat via text every now and then, as said, light and playful. We keep promising to meet up next time I’m up near his area (as I visit there once a month or every two months). This past weekend I was near him, but he was working unfortunately. But he offered the consolation of a breakfast date after he got off shift (poor guy was on a 24 hour); I think he was over ambitious as I received a text in the morning “I’m sorry, I am so tired and need rest”..Poor guy, I couldn’t adjust to those kinds of shifts, and I definitely couldn’t fault him for cancelling. I told him it wasn’t a problem and promised to attempt plans and meeting up another time when he wasn’t working….. I got a text later that morning; inviting me over to his place and that “he promised he’d try to be clothed” if I wished to visit for a while… Cheeky monkey……Part of me, and I probably don’t have to tell you which part, half contemplated going to over to his place to see if he tried hard enough to be clothed in my presence. The sensible part of me said no, starting anything off like that would only provide instant gratification and not amount to anything serious or real, and that’s what I was looking for, right?……RIGHT? Although, the man fills out a t-shirt quite solidly from what I can tell, surely it wouldn’t hurt to just….NO……You see how these inner struggles can go… Miss Sensible won out, politely declined and told him to enjoy his nudity (I can be cheeky too, haha) and relaxing. I think we left off at trying to attempt dinner next time…

Also recently, after about a month and half of no communication, I hear from Mr. I Knew Better.. Who very generically says that he hopes I am well, and that he’s sorry he’s been out of touch and that it won’t always be this way. Now I have to reiterate, I am an empathetic person, but this individual has essentially cut me out of their life, and now acts as if all is normal and this is normal behaviour. Where I come from, you don’t tell someone you like them and then after an issue (albeit unrelated to me) comes up you pretend they don’t exist. Not cool, not acceptable… But sadly, with this good looking man, there is a history there; I know what it feels like for him to hold me, I know what his lips feel like…. I almost responded to his message with “oh, that’s alright, you know, life happens”, wanting to preserve “something”. Initial logic mentioned above of something being better than nothing; or even better the logic of better the devil you know than the devil you don’t…But I thought, nope, don’t be a schmuck; his behaviour was unacceptable. I backspaced my original message and then told him as much and wished him well. Although I still maintained not being a bitch about it (although very irritated with him).

So… you see that universe?! I didn’t follow the pretty boy (or my hormones for that matter)… Surely that should do something positive?!

Still learning….