Heart v. Mind

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, my client though technically an organ that circulates blood through a being, is an entity all of her own. She’s been battered and broken, and is well versed in the art of self first aid; which may perhaps cause some reckless behaviour when it comes to her own safety.

So when the plaintiff, that resides approximately one foot above my client, stated that her actions were perhaps not a good idea at present time, they were met with numerous objections, justifications and nothing consistent other than the following facts/claims:

She found a part of herself in another, which she had never thought possible.

Her old wounds and scars ached less in the presence of this other.

She wanted to dress his wounds and help him heal his own brokenness.

She glowed and was vibrant again.

He held her, despite the ugliness of some of her scars.

He looked at her in such a way as if she was something to study and be in awe of.

She loved his imperfectness, perfectly.

The plaintiff argued the timing was wrong, the other was too newly broken, it was too soon, and there were challenges; and while my client agreed completely and totally, when she tried to refrain it felt as if she was cutting off her own breath. My client tried to stifle her breath and live differently, sadly, regretting, and missing a possibility; all for the sake of timing, and this appeased the plaintiff briefly.

The defence (my client), will state to you today, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, that you will judge her and that is alright. She has battled the plaintiff, and has considered his pleas. She has worked jointly with the plaintiff to consider all possible outcomes and all aspects that may be involved. But she stands before you to say : life is too short, and we don’t know what tomorrow will bring; please don’t begrudge me the possibility of happiness.

The defence rests…..

Still learning….

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Friendship turned romance… could it work?

You ever have that one friend? You know the one; they’re the opposite gender, if you’ve been burned by their gender they are the only one you still like, they pick you up when you’re down, they tell you that men (or women) that can’t see the wonderful person that is you are idiots, they commiserate with you, they ask you advice on your own gender… You talk through relationship problems ‘til the wee hours of the morning, he’s your shoulder to cry on and purveyor of your favourite foods when you’re having a day from hell…You are like allies from two opposing camps.. You’d never hurt eachother because you can just “be” with eachother, no expectations, no let down, and neither of you is looking to get something from the other.. It’s probably your safest and healthiest relationship; because he’s your best guy friend (**or female friend; depending on reader gender) and romantically you just aren’t available to eachother.

But what if that ever changed? Imagine it, someone who knows the real you; because let’s admit it, when we meet a new romantic interest we definitely try to put our best side forward; but this friend, they’ve seen you unfiltered, the good, the bad, and they still want to be with you! What if your best friend became your love interest?

You both know what you’re getting, you already have fun together, and you know eachother’s quirks and eccentricities. You’re honest, you never developed that filter because it was alright to be open with your best friend. Maybe this could be a good thing? Or at the very least, an interesting thing!

When I’ve started dating people they were always people that I had met that had romantic interest in me right away or wanted to date.. To go from friends to lovers is an interesting and new concept to me… But maybe that’s what I’ve always needed and why nothing worked before?

Still learning….

The one who came before…

before me
When we venture around the earth and enter into these dating/relationship/romance realms, what is it that we all have? A heart? Yep, it’s an organ, pumps blood. Perhaps not always in the emotional sense of the word though…. An expectation? Yeah probably, we have an idea of what we’re looking for or why we want a partner, sure… A pulse? Well, hopefully, otherwise this would be a different type of blog and what you’re doing is illegal (LOL)…
What we all have that I’m talking about is…. A past.

We are not all clean as fresh fallen snow, and at this stage in life (well at least at my age) we’ve at least had one experience of having our heart ripped out of our chest, thrown to the ground, and stomped on; I don’t use this analogy bitterly but more so to relay the intensity of the feeling…
We are going to make a comparison to those that happen in our present, and in our futures; we are human and it’s going to happen naturally and not through any fault of the new person in our life. AND, we are going to have to deal with the fact that with that wonderful new person in our life that someone in fact did come before us. Shocking, I know… Why can’t the human race have reserved someone especially for us that hasn’t had to endure their own special brand of crazy with another, or have dealt with a previous heartbreak, or have dealt with a prior jaded individual?…”Excuse me please, powers that be: I’d like this one reset to factory default settings please”…

The above is not going to happen, accept it, life happens… Not only for you, but for them too. So, we meet Mister or Miss Wonderful, and they are just.. well.. wonderful! And then the thoughts creep in… “The one who came before me”…Let’s talk about this, shall we?

It really works from both sides; let’s start with ourselves and our comparison to those who came before our Mister or Miss Wonderful. I’d really like to think we take our people from our past as a positive, learning experience; even if it’s as simple as “that was what I don’t want”. So you will spend time with the new person in your life, and your mind with creep back to “Mister or Miss Ex, used to do this..” or “I didn’t like it when they did…” or “I liked it when they did…. and Mister or Miss Wonderful reminds me of them in that way…”..Now while these are all normal and naturally occurring thoughts, and you could probably use them to help your new relationship (or potential relationship) grow; DO NOT and I mean DO NOT, voice these comparisons aloud. Your new interest will likely not appreciate it, no matter how constructively you pitch it. It’s quite probable that you will share stories of exes, and things you’ve done, that’s one thing; you’re telling your new interest things about your life (which happened to include someone else at one point). But, you don’t need to voice anything comparatively.

Now, how about our own thoughts about the “one that came before”? I honestly can’t comment for men on this factor, so if any male reader would care to comment their opinion, I’d be grateful; but I know women are horrible for this. As a woman, I am my own worst critic, and at times this can carry over into a new (or potential) relationship. You’re enjoying yourself with the new Mister or Miss Wonderful and then the thoughts creep into your mind: “did he/she do this with her/him?” or “did he/she enjoy this more with her/him?”.. or even “will he/she want the same things with me that he/she had with her/him?” Again, probably normally occurring thoughts, we do think about the pasts of people we’re with, and as said, can be our own worst critics or compare ourselves. Though, I’m thinking we probably shouldn’t voice our own personal comparison either. Because #1, confidence is attractive, and if we’re comparing ourselves to the one before us, that’s not really exuding confidence at all; and #2, Mister or Miss Wonderful is probably not even making that comparison that you are nine times out of ten…

When things are new, these comparisons are normal… But they should fade.. If things go well with this wonderful new person in your life, you will nurture things enough that you make eachother feel valued.. Maybe even valued enough that your mind won’t wander to worrying about the past and have you more focused on the present and future.

I have a past, you have a past, they have a past…. But let’s not let our own or their past get in the way. We were there, we hopefully learned from it, and let’s face it “the one who came before” is a past for a reason.

Still learning….

Revealation

Well, the weekend was a fun one and interesting one.  I actually got out and exercised one of those social life things.  Even got to spend some time with an ex of mine that I actually have kept as a friend (for some reason having exes as friends is a rarity for me).  But it’s really great when aspects of my past get along with present people in my life; for example “Mr. Wrong” had a lovely poker game with the sister of “Mr. I Knew Better”.  I do tend to get myself into the most interesting situations, though this one in particular caused a bit of a giggle as I noticed similarities between two men that I’ve dated who just happened to be in the same occupation (I’d hate to say I have a type and I’ll argue that I don’t; but I’m admittedly a sucker for a guitar player, but I think I’ve almost gotten that out of my system).

Mr. Wrong has read this blog, and the entry about him in particular, and sees this exactly for what it is; about me, not the men.  Although, sometimes I do digress on tangents when annoyed with actions of the romantic interest(s) in my life, this writing is about me and learning about what I’m looking for and how to find it, as well as mistakes I make, where I can improve; all self analysis.  We actually got the chance to discuss this quite candidly, and poor bugger does let me be brutally honest and I as well accept his honesty in return.  “How’s the writing coming along and incidentally the love life?”, I proceed to share about “Mr. I Knew Better”, and the fact that I’m slightly annoyed with him.  I continue to lament that I just don’t seem to attract the type of men to me that are looking for something worthwhile.  “Well, what’s your type? You must have one..Musicians?”, he asks with a broad grin.  I grumble and then swat at him while laughing, claiming to not have a “type”.  I then proceed to advise him that though both men in conversation are musicians they are as different as night and day; he opened the door for comparison afterall..Your stage personas are different… your personalities are different (one is extroverted, while the other is introverted)….one blonde, other brunette….one is taller… they both have different playing styles…”you must have a type, a trait that I have and that others you have dated possess as well”, he pushed…..  Can any of you discuss your relationships this candidly with an ex, inclusive of what makes you incompatible with them?

Light bulb moment… “well you’re passive, that used to drive me nuts…and wait…”Mr. I Knew Better”, also passive”…. A trait I like about Mr. Wrong, he’s self aware and can discuss himself openly..Please keep in mind readers, I’m not having a conversation with an ex-boyfriend and insulting him, he’s passive, and he knows it; and passivity isn’t necessarily a negative, it’s a personality trait….I could chronicle my entire dating/relationship life with that one trait, passive.  Passive is my complete polar opposite; aren’t opposites supposed to attract or balance eachother or something? That’s the common trait I announced, I seem to attract passive men.  “Ah, but do you attract that to you, or do you look for it?”.. Ah, Mr. Wrong, how I’ve missed this aspect of you, always pushing the conversation to make me think.

I sit quietly reflecting.. No… When I meet men initially, I would have no idea they’re passive..In fact the two men that we initially started comparing in our conversation (himself included) had both approached me in the whole dating thing, not really a passive trait.  And I certainly don’t enjoy passive personalities nor would want one as a partner; I like equality, someone able to voice things, has a mind they express; a strong personality if you will.  I don’t wish to be the dominant/stronger personality; I want an equal playing field, or maybe even someone a tad bit stronger than me.  So I definitely wouldn’t say I look for passive.  But having a willing candidate in conversation, I thought I’d take the opportunity to ask, “what attracted you to me?”.

I was told I’m an attention getter.. I’m not sure I liked the sound of that, that sounds like someone who’s very showy and has to be centre of things;  that’s not quite me.. Don’t get me wrong, I adore attention, I do; probably why I take to the stage at times…But “attention getter” was a term that made me think of trying too hard for the “look at me” appearance.  He then explained it didn’t necessarily have to do with appearance; but that I possess a strong personality and spirit, a trait that he has been attracted to in most of the previous women he has dated also…  He’s also single at this point, so I’m not sure that these specific opposite traits attracting worked for him either..

So, now I have some information, that is somewhat new in realization to ponder.. now what do I do with it?  Ask a guy upon meeting, “excuse me, but would you call yourself a passive person?”.. I’m not sure how this knowledge is going to benefit me, but I’ll find a way for it to.

Still learning….

Dating in modern society….

Image

“The power of attraction”… “What you put out to the universe is what you get back”….”Like attracts like”… “Be the relationship that you wish to have”….I’m not sure what other attraction phrases and/or clichés to include in here.  I’m not sure if Prince Charming caught the memo on any of these statements because I’ve totally been exemplifying everything that I’ve wanted in a relationship in my day to day life, and even in my non-romantic relationships… And well, this blog is still entitled “Waiting for Prince Charming”.

All of these above ideas I view positively.  I’m a good person, I communicate openly and honestly, I express interest in a person when I have it, I try not to leave people guessing when it comes to “does she or doesn’t she like me”, I’m warm and pleasant when I like someone; these are the things that I put out into the universe and I hope that the universe returns some semblance of these in Prince Charming.  But I received quite a shock today in an article I read about the “ugly truths about modern dating” and things that one should get used to while dating in today’s society.  This article has pretty much taken everything I thought in the above and tossed it out of the window and basically told me I’m doing everything wrong. One point that it expressed was, don’t express interest, the one who expresses the interest “holds less power in the relationship”.  I’m not a freakin’ politician vying for votes in a constituency, or a military looking to gain border in a country; if I wanted “power” the last thing I would be looking for would be a romantic PARTNER (partner indicating equality; not boss, not underling… partner!). This saddens me if this is where society is heading and I’m afraid I’m going to be single forever at this rate. 

Another point that it demonstrated is the avoidance of “labelling”; now sadly in my dating life I have run into numerous men that were not wanting to label anything.  This is sad truth that I’ve encountered has lead me to incorporate new terms into my vocabulary; I’ve gotten to learn the difference between “seeing someone” (going through the motions of spending time together, dates, maybe even sleeping with eachother, but God forbid exclusivity), “dating” (dating, maybe you’re exclusive that could be open for discussion, but we’re not in a serious thing), and “together/with someone/having a boyfriend, girlfriend, partner, etc” (a committed and exclusive relationship).  Unfortunately because I’ve allowed these new terms in my vocabulary, I have had less and less of the last term, shame on me for conforming to society on this one.  But because people are so conditioned to these different definitions, they are so flexible to non-committed relationships and because of their involvement in them less and less, they have become petrified of them.

This article also focused alot on new societal mannerisms due to technology and social media.  Have people really become so blasé about the importance of human contact and respect for one and other because of the ease of this technological age?  For instance, a point that was made was texting.  We have all become so reliant on the instantaneous communication that we’ve adapted to being able to cancel plans with people last minute because there’s less of a commitment now, you can catch someone at any moment to cancel; therefore people have become flaky.  Also to do with texting, people have become reliant on it that things such as actual voice conversations have become a thing of the past for the most part.  I can agree that I’m a happy little texter, alot of my job involves being on the phone so I’m not always a big talker on the phone.  BUT, if I want to have a conversation with a potential mate or an intimate conversation with my partner, I want to hear their voice, you can tell what someone is feeling, if they’re making a joke, if they’re serious, hurt, happy, etc.  Texting has no intonation and you can read no emotion out of it.  Alot of miscommunication happens via text messaging as words and context can be easily misconstrued.  Texting has also fed into the possible “psychological warfare” of the power struggle that was mentioned before.  I can be cool and aloof and not seeming over eager, and play this game by maybe not returning your text for a few hours, or even days.  Come on, really?!  Well the way I look at it, this is rude.  Texting is so simple and can be viewed as a positive for communication, and you know what?  It takes seconds. You’re not interested? Fine by me, don’t text!  But to use this as a game? Nope, I’m not buying it.  If I don’t measure up enough in your priorities to warrant 30 seconds of your precious time to return a text, I’ll assume you’re not interested.  Now, I get it, life is busy and things like work, socializing, people interaction, happens where one can’t be constantly on their cell phone.  But to go days? Not acceptable.  I’ve unfortunately been lenient on this one; Mr. “I Knew Better” was horrible for this at times not returning texts for days, but I knew damn well he pretty much always had his phone with him.

So these new societal norms of dating, how did they start?  How did they become popular?  Do these at all seem appealing?  I read them over and was flabbergasted (yes I used the word flabbergasted, but I’ve been assured this isn’t why I’m single lol)…. Two schools of thought that I have on this.. 1 – there are enough people that have been put through the proverbial ringer when it comes to love and just met enough shitty people out there that when this uncool behaviour was exemplified they just went “meh, I won’t rock the boat, I’ll accept that this is how it’s going to be”… 2 – there are enough jaded people out there that don’t believe in love or relationships in the true sense (or at least the true sense how I believe it), and have wanted to build this protective bubble around themselves to not be vulnerable or open themselves up to hurt in any way that they just start using this jerky behaviour that doesn’t really cultivate anything worth while…  Either way, I object!!!!  I am not “getting used to these ugly truths of modern dating”, I decide what my truths are!  Any of you reading this blog, you decide what you accept in your relationships and dating, you make your own “truth about dating”.  So please one by one people, if we can’t change the societal norm (or what I fear may yet become societal norm), we can make the change in our own lives and rise against this movement of jerky behaviour that’s poisoning the dating world and cultivating only self serving (instead of mutually serving) relationships! You can make the difference!  I have a dream, that one day….. Oh wait, someone has done a similar speech….

Anyhow people, we allow ourselves to be treated the way that we are, and set our standards for what we accept.. and what we won’t… I’m putting out into the universe positivity, warmth, and honesty; and hoping a get this in return…and power isn’t going to even be a concern when Prince Charming comes along… That’s my truth about dating in modern society; take it or leave it universe, society, whomever..

Still learning….

Play the game

chess

“You have to play the game”, I’ve been told.  What game you ask?  Well, apparently there is a notion out there that in this whole realm of dating thing that when you initially pique someone’s interest you should tone down your personality if you have a strong one.  Admittedly, I have a strong personality, which I do for the most part keep in check, but if I’m asked a question I respond with honesty; I’m told when people meet me they either love me or hate me, and there’s really no in between.  I’m not sure if I’m to be happy or sad about this.

I was brought up in a household where women were not the weaker sex, in fact, my father had a hand in raising me in such a way where I was taught to be independent and shouldn’t fit into gender roles that required the need for a man; I was taught about tools, minor renos, home repair, and automotive repair.  Having a man in my life is a want, not a requirement being raised in such a way.  Therefore, I’ve always had a strong independent streak.  Don’t get me wrong, I was also taught about equality, and partnership, etc. But, I’m wondering if this independent streak has perhaps carried a bit too far and put up a barrier to finding a partner? I’m not a super powered feminist in-your-face personality either.  I’m me, I’m comfortable with me, and I’m self aware; I never imagined these traits as obstacles.

 I was told recently that when I meet a man, I have to “play the game”, not be so forward in my wants and what I was looking for, and to make him think that he was needed.  Is this really what men want?  I always thought ideally that a partnership should be wanted, not needed.  I realized long ago that codependency was not healthy and make it a point to not attract people that desired this.  But it’s been also suggested to me that the “laying all the cards on the table” approach is not necessarily desired by men either.  Or maybe just not by the type of men that I’ve encountered thus far perhaps?

A very dear friend told me that he felt badly for me; this friend being in his fifties said he empathized with me because he knew that I hoped to find that special person and have a family one day, but I scared men that were my age, and therefore would attract men that were a bit older than myself and probably finished their “baby making days”.  I was almost offended at this impression from someone who I thought to be my friend, telling me I scared people.  He followed up by saying, no, it wasn’t an insult, but that more “seasoned” men would be better suited to put up with my strong personality because they’ve lived more and have most likely already come across it, and then proceeded to explain the male maturity level vs. age and the difference in relation to women.  I get what he’s saying, although, I view age and maturity as two different things.  I already knew that my desired Prince Charming had to be a mature (mentally, not necessarily in years) sort, because I’m at the point in my life where I’m looking to share and build.  Comes with the territory of real, substantial relationships, no?

To shed some more light on this, I have no problem asking people about the impression I give and decided to do some research.  I’ve had my mother (yes, you read that correctly – though I think with my age she may be starting to panic about the possibility of  pending spinsterhood for me, so I try not to hold these statement against her, and neither should you, the woman wants grandbabies lol) tell me perhaps I shouldn’t be so direct and gain interest from a man first by being light, and then revealing the full brunt of who I am.  And, I’ve had a friend tell me I’m probably scary (or intimidating, I think both words were used) to men that are around my age.  During the time I was thinking about writing this article I asked a friend who I actually dated what his impression of me was, and though we had different wants in life and were not successful romantically we’ve still kept in touch as friends; he is a kind, great person and is nearing 40 in age to give you some background ; I realize this was possibly one of those “don’t ask a question you don’t want truthfully answered” scenarios, but I really am all about self learning, whether pleasant or unpleasant.  So I asked him “from a male perspective, am I intimidating?”, explaining to him that he could be candid and honest, he knows I’m not easily offended and could even take criticism. Honesty was what I got in his response, and I quote: “The answer is more complicated than a yes or no.  To some men who are looking for that light hearted, easy come easy go, 20 something, flighty girl, your confidence would be quite intimidating.  Your life experience puts you in a bracket far above what some males are comfortable with.  Men who have lived and are looking for someone to be an equal, you are perfect.  But some guys have gotten used to being the dominant one who takes care of the lady or there are guys that stick around until they decide to trade her in for another model.. You do not fit either mold and they don’t know how to deal with that.  This they confuse with intimidation.”

I’m not some hard ass though that doesn’t want to be looked after or treated as a lady, actually there’s a part of me that wouldn’t mind being doted on every now and then (what girl doesn’t enjoy the odd spoiling?) and to view my partner as the masculine protector/caregiver.  But I’ll agree that I want to be viewed as an equal, not a lesser partner.  Surely this isn’t an unrealistic expectation that would be causing a barrier in my love life (or starting of said love life)?

Anyhow, as I’ve said throughout this blog (and my life’s journey), I’m all about self exploration and realization.  I analyze myself and do so in my writings (lucky you, you get to read them), and maybe I’ll gain insight that will assist me in finding Prince Charming… Or not finding Prince Charming, however the chips are to fall.  Although, I feel better about attracting someone to me, and not some game of portraying a different version of myself.  So, we’ll see how this goes.

Still learning….

A poem: Medieval Battle

dragon-fight-knight

An older poem that I wrote when my marriage ended…

The dragon has returned/ I pull my sword to fight/ The blade will not unsheath/ I try with all my might/ Defenseless I try to run/ Yet my feet only stand still/ The dragon smirks in triumph/ He knows I’m at his will/ My heart renders me useless/ Unable to return attack/ I think in mind he knows this/ But he fails to hold back/ Defeated I remove my breastplate and cast it to the ground/ The dragon turns away not wanting to finish the round/ I scream out in frustration “kill me, tis what you want!!”/ The dragon but still walking turns slightly to show taunt/ I crumple to the ground/ My sword can now unsheath/ I think now “until next time”/ But know I am niave/ Because I know that dragon/ Without his fire and bite/ Is someone who was special/ He used to be my knight..