Easter hiccup

Easter weekend was the weekend that Prince Charming and I were to attend our first family dinner with his family.. I was incredibly nervous.. Pick a stigma about being the first girlfriend after an ex-wife and I’ve experienced it, the Prince and I have had to work through alot. So needless to say, I was worried about being judged or compared against the ex-wife, or just plain being unaccepted or not given the chance during this family gathering. But I was prepared! I was to come bearing sweets, wine, and to just be my charming self… I’ve already made my mark on previous difficult in-laws and challenging mothers of Momma’s boys (not that Prince Charming is a Momma’s boy, but overbearing mothers are a partner’s biggest challenge was more my point), having them fall in love with me and developed some wonderful relationships with parents of ex-partners.. So figuring this was my best friend, I’m already known to some of his family, it’s evident that I love him and treat him well and given his ex-wife is being a tad bit difficult in the whole divorce process; I thought I was being silly perhaps, and shouldn’t worry as much… They would totally see how wonderful I was! Just being in our presence, you can see how well I get along with and love my Prince and Little Parrot.

Prince Charming and I were to be hosting at his house, putting on dinner for his daughter, his folks, his sister and brother-in-law. I was already in planning mode, gently coaxing the Prince for what I could make, bring, cook, etc… I love entertaining! And this was a huge step for us, our first family function! I was looking forward to it immensely.

Then Thursday came….. and the hiccup….

His mother called, there was a scheduling issues which would turn out to be more feasible to host dinner at his folks’ place….

“And oh, by the way… Could we just have the family this time?..I’m not ready for someone new yet”…..

Prince Charming had to relay to me his conversation with his mother…My worry about being judged, or not given a chance just punched me in the stomach.. I felt ill…I started crying.. Another challenge or obstacle, this time from the people who love my guy the most and who were supposed to support him.

Then I went from tears and sadness, to feeling angry! As if the line had been drawn in the sand.. I now had an enemy and someone I had to steel myself against…I have met this woman in passing before, and she seemed sweet, but now to me, she was the wicked witch of the west! That’s how I felt at the time anyway… I don’t even think I’d uninvite someone who was acquaintance, let alone someone a family member deemed important enough to them to invite in the first place.

Prince and Little Parrot went away to family Easter dinner without me.. I was a ball of emotion between sadness and anger. I had hoped Prince Charming would have a chat with the Wicked Witc… I mean, his mother…

He did… Apparently she needed time to mourn his ex, and was well aware of how he, I, and his daughter function together as our own little unit; she wasn’t ready to see that for a prolonged period of time yet (she spent a few hours with us a couple weeks prior, which I thought went pretty darn well myself). How my Prince puts it is: “I wouldn’t have received a fair chance at acceptance yet”. But he relayed to his mother how important I was to him, and that I’m not going anywhere (that’s my man!).

But now… When I eventually do get to this whole family thing with his side, how do I not have the first impression of being “unwelcome” in the back of my mind? She hurt me… I couldn’t believe it happened (and in truth, Prince Charming couldn’t either)…. I’m not saying I hold grudges, but I never forget things… and sometimes I have trouble letting go of things that bother me… things I have to work on I guess.

So.. I suppose I just smile, like there’s no hard feelings? The bottle of wine and Easter card I sent in my absence should relay that I hope? I’m trying not to have hard feelings at least.. I just pretend it didn’t happen? Yes, yes, I’m well aware I can’t refer to her as the Wicked Witch of the West… She’s probably not a bad lady, she did produce something pretty wonderful afterall (her son)… She just hurt me, though probably not intentionally (I hope).

More time needed for everyone… Just because Prince Charming and his daughter are comfortable and ready to move forward, doesn’t necessarily mean everyone else in life is. I guess I just expected a chance, as that would be supporting Prince Charming and his happiness; but not all think the same way and have that definition of “support”.

I am with him, not his family… And him and I are good! But it sure makes life easier when your significant other’s family at least tolerates you. I have to admit, this past weekend did make me feel a tad bit defeated….

Now to just get past this….

Still learning….

Adjusting

Something about me, I’m extremely open and quite forthcoming with my emotions. So, when I have a partner, you can bet that people know that I am “taken”, “off the market”, “with someone”, etc. In fact, if I’m feeling pretty good about said relationship, I’m a shout it from the roof tops type of girl.. I’m in love, it’s wonderful, the world seems brighter, yay!

I’m finding an adjustment period though with my fella. We are transitioning from best friends to significant others (or do I call him my boyfriend? I’m over 30 now, do I have “boyfriends” at this age?). We already know most of eachother’s quirks and we still talk about everything, but I find our conversations (especially disagreements) have become more “passionate”.. Yes, passionate was his choice of wording one eve as I was exasperating him with a difference of opinion or interpretation of something. He’s so wonderful; he doesn’t say I’m a pain in the arse, I’m passionate! LOL But we communicate about EVERYTHING, and quite openly… I’ve always appreciated that about us. That transition is going wonderfully, I adore him…

Although, there is another adjustment that we are going through as well…. Slowly letting people know we are together.. Where I’m happy and feeling great about our blossoming relationship, there’s a slightly negative cloud hung over us. We are sort of soon after his previous relationship ending… There’s a perception by a few that him and I were carrying on before his previous relationship had ended (we were not)..In fact I’ve lost a few acquaintances over this. Though the people that really know me, are quite happy for me and know what did in fact happen (and not happen for that matter); I hate others having the perception that I would assist in the demise of a relationship, especially when there is a child involved (I don’t think I mentioned he has a wee one yet, have I?). But I have to remember: feelings were hurt, there was (is) pain and anger; and for those that don’t really know me, I suppose it’s easiest to think I had some involvement. It’s human nature….I hold no ill will towards anyone with this perception, nor am I aggressive or confrontational about it. It’s just unfortunate, all around…

So where there’s this new and wonderful relationship, I fear we are not able to enjoy it to it’s full potential… Yet…

There will be adjusting, not only for us, but for others as well. I know that all will be well in time; and I truly believe that something positive and great will come of this despite the negative light at first, we just seem to fit. But my mind wanders endlessly to everything the future will hold… Will his friends accept me (the ones that knew his ex)? Will his family like me? Will his ex and I eventually be able to talk? (I’m sure we eventually will have to cross paths, she’s the mother of his child, I would even say her and I were acquaintances before they split, I liked her – though at present moment we don’t talk – yes I get why)… These are the challenges we have, and things that I think about…

I guess we just move forward, and deal with what may come and try to focus on the good things. This will take strength from both of us.

Still learning…

When you know, you know

When you know, you know…. Or maybe you didn’t know yet, because circumstance couldn’t allow such knowledge….. or hell, maybe someone else knew…
As we approach Valentine’s Day, which is albeit, an overly commercialized day, but the intent is the celebration of love; I choose to share with my readers….I’m no longer “Waiting”…. Give that a minute… Think of my blog title… There we go, “ah-ha moment”, I’ve subtly brought you up to speed… I was trying to build suspense there! 😉 .. I’m no longer waiting for my prince charming, and despite some ill timing and challenges that the future will hold, I couldn’t be happier….

Now people, please know, when I created this blog and coined the term “Prince Charming”, I by no means searched or waited for perfection or royalty or wealth, or anything else for that matter that would be associated as “princely”..But I was waiting for my match; I was waiting for imperfections I could love perfectly, and someone that would do the same for me in return… I think he may have even read “To whom it may concern…”…

Prince Charming didn’t come riding in on noble steed and sweep me off of my feet, to ride off into the sunset together…. Nor was he even a viable option for romantic interest that was considered and pursued…. He was a surprise…As I’m sure I was to him….

My very best and dearest male friend, had a relationship end, and some other life changing events happen last summer…And as a support, I spent many hours talking, speculating, and trying to help him solve out some things as a sounding board to vent to.. We spoke endlessly; there were words, there were tears, there were hugs, there was consoling, and there was comfort… There was a vulnerability that made our friendship deeper….

“Uh – oh “ , you’re thinking… But no, I wasn’t poaching my best friend nor taking advantage of a situation. Nor was he transferring/projecting anything onto me during any of this. If anything was developing, I (and most likely he) was oblivious to it… At the time anyhow… And for someone who is painfully self aware, it’s funny that these emotions developed without me having a clue. Perhaps it wasn’t necessarily not having a clue, but more of a set boundary: he’s my best friend, of course I care. “It’s only him”….

Not everyone was as oblivious though….

My very astute and observant mother brought things to light…Where some may describe my mother as pushy or loud (and yes, Mother, I know you’re reading this… I’m sorry, but it’s true); I see her as straightforward and honest… She will tell you truth, whether you want to hear it or not… And sometimes without necessarily thinking about what the affect or outcome that truth may have..But that’s Mom… I’ve known her my whole life, and I’m used to this about her… And now, so are others…

Mom and I were out for a drink at a local pub when I received a text from my friend; just casual chit chat, “how are you?/what are you up to?”. He’s my friend, Mom knows him, so I told him that Mom and I were out for a drink, and if he was out and about he was more than welcome to join us… He showed up…
“There’s an elephant in the room”, my mother announced, “I want to talk to the two of you”… Thinking maybe a joke or amusing anecdote was coming, he and I glanced at eachother and smirked, “ok Mom, go ahead”…..

The sip of wine I just took almost escaped my mouth with a sputter/choke when my mother spoke next, and for a split moment I think I contemplated crawling under the table to hide, but just sat in shock… I’m pretty sure my mouth may have been open, searching for words, like a gasping cod fish (I hope this imagery suffices in relaying my shock to you)… “My daughter is in love with you… I know her and I know how she is around you…It’s love…”

Oh God, Oh God, Oh God!!!…. The best relationship I’ve ever had with a man, done, gone, finished….Months of awkwardness flashed in my minds’ eye.. He’d be cool and collected at first, saying he’d want to keep the friendship and my mother’s obviously false observation didn’t bother him in the least. But there would be that awkwardness that would be there, he’d wonder if what she said were true.. Our friendship would dwindle, we would talk and see eachother less…We would become a casual “hi how are you?” when running into eachother in passing…. Damn my mother and her assumptions, she killed my friendship with someone who I had so much in common with and enjoyed having in my life… **sigh** oh well… she didn’t mean to….

He had his eyebrows raised as I think he was in as much shock of the statement as I was.. “Um… ok?”…..He looked at me… At this point I was shaking my head and looking down at the table, still mourning the destruction of our friendship in my mind; when I finally found my words again, “Mom, I don’t think…”

“I’m not done..” she continued… No chance given to protest, or to salvage my awkward friendship, how rude! She interrupted me! “You’re in love with my daughter too.. I see how you two look at eachother, you both light up when in eachother’s presence…Now I don’t know what you two will do about this, but you should at least talk about it.. That’s all I’m going to say… Now there’s not an elephant in the room anymore and you two can quit tiptoeing around this”….

Well, that’s interesting.. I continued to gape at her….

Ah, good ol’ Mom… I see this, so now everyone has to see it, I think you’re bullshitting eachother, so knock it off….. Essentially…..

I think we brushed off the conversation and continued on with the evening… totally capable of changing topic with my known charm and wit of course… until he and I were able to talk after… away from Mom…

Needless to say, we talked about it… and I haven’t lost my best friend.. 🙂 

When you plan to be alone…

I was broaching 30, almost all of my nearest and dearest friends are all loved up/married/with children. Life was moving forward. I had people that were attracted to me, but no real relationship prospects, and this lovely blog that I write in. I was resolved to the fact of being alone; not for lack of wanting, but definitely lack of needing. I was worthy of love, I just hadn’t met someone who appreciated me yet, but I wasn’t about to let that impede on life moving forward, or stopping me from my goals. Even my goal of becoming a mother….

At a family meal; complete with my mother, grandfather, aunts, uncles, and cousins… I had a pre-emptive strike of a bottle of red to my credit before announcing I had something important to ask the family… I stated very matter-of-factly, “I want to have a baby, and how would you all feel if I went about that in perhaps a non-conventional manner?”… What would be awkward for most other families, mine was unfazed. I was met with support, and advice that I would be helped and loved with whatever I decided to do.

It’s an idea I have been considering for quite a few years now (since my divorce), only ever once reconsidering that I may have met someone who wanted to share in this with me (see previous blog post – Chameleons). So when I decided with my age, employment stability and family support to make this decision; it became common knowledge amongst close friends and family that I was in fact researching my options to conceive a child on my own.

Oh to be a fly on the wall during some of the discussions that may have/did ensued. A very close and dear friend, who I would liken to a sister and has given me an honourary “Auntie” title to her children, had a relayed one of those very interesting conversations to me…. Her very smart and inquisitive twin girls were discussing how families began; ideally you find someone you love, get married, have a baby. But the very clever 8 year old girls that they were commented that “you didn’t have to have a husband to have a baby, because their Auntie was still going to have a baby and didn’t have a husband… so how was that to happen?”. My friend, whom is very straight forward and tries to be as honest as possible with her children, tried to explain such a process delicately in a way that an eight year old would understand….”well, Auntie would have to go to a doctor…” she began….Oh to be present when she was grasping for ideas on how to explain AI (artificial insemination) to an eight year old. She was soon saved as one of the girls piped up, “of course she has to go to a doctor!”…The shock of what her children may have already learned at school subsided as my friend gathered her composure to ask, “you know why she would have to go to a doctor and what happens?”… With which she was met with a very matter-of-fact, “she would have to go to a doctor to have sex with him to make a baby, silly”……..Kids say the darndest things!

I often thought about the struggle and hardships bringing a little being into the world on my own would entail…. But I know they would be well loved, well provided for and supported beyond their wildest dreams… I have always known if there was one thing I was put on this earth to do, it was to be a Mom. Being around the other children in my life at times makes me yearn for a wee one of my own…There’s always options….

Apparently I just have to find a doctor, silly… lol

Still learning….

Heart v. Mind

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, my client though technically an organ that circulates blood through a being, is an entity all of her own. She’s been battered and broken, and is well versed in the art of self first aid; which may perhaps cause some reckless behaviour when it comes to her own safety.

So when the plaintiff, that resides approximately one foot above my client, stated that her actions were perhaps not a good idea at present time, they were met with numerous objections, justifications and nothing consistent other than the following facts/claims:

She found a part of herself in another, which she had never thought possible.

Her old wounds and scars ached less in the presence of this other.

She wanted to dress his wounds and help him heal his own brokenness.

She glowed and was vibrant again.

He held her, despite the ugliness of some of her scars.

He looked at her in such a way as if she was something to study and be in awe of.

She loved his imperfectness, perfectly.

The plaintiff argued the timing was wrong, the other was too newly broken, it was too soon, and there were challenges; and while my client agreed completely and totally, when she tried to refrain it felt as if she was cutting off her own breath. My client tried to stifle her breath and live differently, sadly, regretting, and missing a possibility; all for the sake of timing, and this appeased the plaintiff briefly.

The defence (my client), will state to you today, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, that you will judge her and that is alright. She has battled the plaintiff, and has considered his pleas. She has worked jointly with the plaintiff to consider all possible outcomes and all aspects that may be involved. But she stands before you to say : life is too short, and we don’t know what tomorrow will bring; please don’t begrudge me the possibility of happiness.

The defence rests…..

Still learning….

Heart has a memory…

heart

I had an absolutely lovely and sunny Easter Sunday, I had just finished my traditional brunch and mimosa (although some years baileys and coffee) and Monty Python’s Holy Grail viewing with a dear friend. I think it’s been a tradition since my divorce, so no matter what, attached or single, I always will have this wonderful woman on this holiday. It’s nice to have a “thing” 🙂

On my way home I drove past Tim Horton’s and in passing saw friends that I met through my “Chameleon” (see previous blog post); they were out for a coffee and a ride. I didn’t notice my ex’s bike, so I figured it was safe to stop and say hello. I hadn’t seen these people since splitting with my ex last year, and where we’ve still kept in touch, with the not so nice winter, and everyone’s busy schedules we haven’t had a chance to visit in a while. It was nice to have a catch up chat, I really do like these people.

“I miss being on the back of a bike” I lament to my friends. What’s unfortunate is my ex was into motorcycles, when we met I was not; though after much convincing I was coaxed (patiently) onto the back of a sport bike, and I LOVED IT! But sadly, no more ex = no more bike. My friends took pity on me and offered me a quick jaunt on the bike. It was funny in a way… I used to equate being on the back of a bike as an almost sensual experience (especially on the back of a sport bike). I don’t know how many of my readers out there are ever passengers on motorcycles, but there is a difference. On a street bike or “cruiser”, you are comfortable and in a sitting position, and quite frankly you don’t even need to really touch the person driving if you don’t want to, there is space and things to hold onto. But on a sport bike, your knees are higher and in less of a sitting position, and whether you like the driver or not you’re in close proximity and you can essentially hold onto them with your legs. The sensual creature in me loved this about being a passenger with my ex; every curve in the road, the bike went with it and both of your bodies moved in sync with the bike, and moved together. Actually funny anecdote that I’ll share because I can do so (somewhat) anonymously: at first when I was getting used to the bike I was a nervous passenger on corners and curves in the road, the whole balance thing and centre of gravity really worried me, in truth I was thinking too much about it. “Just relax, move with the bike, do what I do” would be how my ex would reason with me. Alright, move with his body, I could do that; kinda like sex 😉 So, when we would do bends or corners that would make me nervous at first, I just closed my eyes, leaned forward to feel his body and moved with him. You see how this could be a sensual experience for a couple? Anyhow, I digress from the point of this post, but a memory can just take you sometimes… Our minds, hearts AND bodies have a memory…

But as mentioned, my friends took pity on me and let me have a jaunt with the driver of the two. Although… He had a sport bike as well…. So my whole sensuality associated with riding really had to be tossed and quickly. I was almost awkward getting onto the back of the bike and allowing enough room in between us, but also not wanting to fall off the back of the bike… “Ah, screw it!” I thought. This guy has had a few passengers on his bike, this is just in my head; I need to stay on this bike after all. There’s was no wrapping arms or leaning in though, but I’m pretty sure I was going nowhere with my knees dug into hips LOL. After a nice little trip, and an hour or so of catching up and chit chat, their phone buzzed with a text message. “He’s out on the bike and is going to stop by, you ok with that?”.

“Free country” I reply. So, my Chameleon was dropping by… Did I need to leave? Should we tell him I’m here? … I have not laid eyes on him since the day we moved his stuff out and we communicated may once every two months at best (and only if I asked him how he was doing — I’m a softy like that—guys can be jerks and totally ignore me but if I feel empathetic toward them in any way I will still inquire on their well being on occasion instead of telling them to go do one). I’m trying to be cool and collected… Yeah.. Him showing up won’t bother me, just another failed relationship, we don’t hate eachother, we’re both good, reasonable people. I don’t want to seem like I can’t handle it, I’ll stick around, say hello to him… Couldn’t hurt…

When he showed there was the custom “hello, how are you?”, and I thought, I could even venture to give him a hug… At one point I was making an attempt to carry this man’s child, surely I couldn’t just greet him like I would the clerk at the corner store.. I may as well have offered a handshake. Nope, not me… Super woman, emotions of steel, has her shit together, has moved on.. I went in for the hug…

Now I’m not sure what the “rules” are but I figured, a quick, friendly hug and all would be good. He wrapped his arms totally around me, enveloping me, and continued to talk to me and hold me for what felt like a few minutes. My heart stung.. These arms were my safe haven for the worst time of my life, and these arms belonged to someone I had thought loved me and wanted to have a family with me. This is was supposed to be a casual, quick hug; he wasn’t supposed to hug me and hold me like he used to… The bastard…

Why does the heart have a memory? And though I’ve moved on and realized how him and I could’ve never worked (and hell have had someone since him that I also got to realize it wouldn’t work with….. lucky me); my heart still recognized that familiarity. The familiarity of someone I gave myself to totally and completely, which is funny because I have been married before and I never shared that connection with my ex-husband. My Chameleon aka Mr. It’s not You it’s Me (he’s seemingly been my topic a few times now), barely batted at eyelash I don’t think…

Suppose that pang of discomfort proves I can still feel… That’s fortunate, right?

Better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all, the old cliché saying goes.

Still learning….