A summer of learning…

I’ve been on a hiatus from this blog and my apologies for that to my readers.  It’s been an interesting and great summer of learning and growth.  Through decision of myself and Prince Charming, we decided to spend most of the summer together and seeing if our lives “meshed”, so to speak.  He being a teacher had the summer off and therefore had his daughter the majority of the time, I booked off most of the summer months to spend with them.

 

We had a fabulous time together as a family; celebrating birthdays (mine and wee one’s as we’re born in the same month), picnics, swimming, park visits, beach visits, and zoo visits.  We had days of activity, and days of rest watching movies and playing around the house.  I became not the novelty of the woman who’s with little one’s father and around on occasion, but the normal every day facet of the family.  This has promoted a wonderful relationship developed with myself and little one, but has also awoke the toddler attitude with which she no longer discerns me.  This summer I have found out what it’s like to truly be treated like a parent.  I’ve cried tears and felt truly heartbroken when made target of a three year old’s tantrum, I’ve analyzed myself endlessly and wondered daily if I’m doing the right thing to aid the development of a happy and healthy (emotionally and physically) little girl, I’ve provided for and looked after with no thanks (well, her father makes sure to thank me for things), I’ve smiled and laughed when I’ve felt unwell… I’ve been blessed with all of this, and wouldn’t trade any of it.

 

Prince Charming and I also got to take our first vacation, just the two of us.  We spent a few days in Mexico.  We learned what it’s like to travel with eachother, and even how we cope with a few travelling stresses (such as a credit card that wouldn’t work).  We experienced adventure, romance and relaxation in the span of those few days.  I think that solidified things for us; we can do the mundane day to day living but we can enjoy paradise too.  We know we can live with just us, which is important I think, because we were away without work, without kids, and in a foreign country; all we had was eachother and later on in life we will experience that again, so we should be sure that it’s okay that way. 

 

This summer we learned about eachother, how we function as a family unit, and what we want from eachother and for our futures.

 

This summer resulted in a discussion about childcare where Prince Charming said “as a parent, I know you can appreciate that…”….

“Wait… as a parent I can appreciate that?”

“Well yeah, I view you as her step parent”…..

 

This summer resulted in a toddler running into the living room in her pajamas after a bath holding a small box, smiling and presenting it to me, “do you live with me?”, her father following behind saying “she’s supposed to say ‘will you live with me?’”….

 

This summer resulted in living, growing, and loving.   Life is wonderful and fulfilling with this man and his daughter in it.

 

Still learning….

Normalcy, or something close…

Well, I know I haven’t been on here in a long while, in truth I didn’t know what to write or how to write about it.

They say time makes all the difference, and as I look back on posts earlier in the year I am happy to say that yes, yes it does.

Life with Prince Charming is becoming normal, or at least our version of “normal”. Things I worried about before, such as hiding aspects of us because we were attempting to be sensitive to an emotional situation, have passed. People are moving forward with life and trying not to hold onto bitterness, which I am grateful for, because I’m here to tell you life is too short. I can even have brief conversations with his ex during child pick-up/drop offs; we’re civil and both adults, almost pleasant and never unnecessarily rude. This makes me think positive, as I want the wee one to see all of the adults in her life that love her at least get along. There’s hope! I am even trying to interact more with his family, and allow them to get to know me, because I really want us to get to know eachother. I’m really not that bad. Plus I really want to be the best person that I can be for not just myself now, but this man and his little girl. He makes me insanely happy, and well, I make him pretty darn happy too! I’d love for his family to see and realize this. And, from what I’ve gotten to know of whom I’ve met so far, I think we could get along just fine and even share common interests/ground. More time will tell, they’re adjusting.

Prince Charming and I pretty much operate as a normal couple these day, and for the most part people (other than a few minor annoyances) are accepting. It’s happened… A marriage didn’t work, both parties have moved on to others that make them happy, and yes, everyone involved has the best interest of the child in mind. There is life after separation/divorce!

There have been growing pains in this relationship, no doubt. And we have outside circumstances that affect us, in the form of closure and arrangements from his marriage. But we communicate with eachother and always talk through it, always checking in how the other feels, and what we can do to help eachother.
I think I’ve found my “happy ever after”, which has thus far come in the form of happily splitting my life between two homes, mine and his. As I truly consider “home” where I reside, but also where he (and his sweet little girl part of the time) live.

That’s my brief update for now. More to come and I will try to get on here more now that I can articulate things that have happened/are happening. I think we’re finding our rhythm. 🙂 

Still learning…

I have a little parrot…

It’s becoming a weekly thing to spend time with Prince Charming and his daughter, and after each visit with them, seeing them together, how cute she is, and how wonderful of a father he is; I fall deeper in love…. with them both.

As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve never been with anyone that has small children before. But where she’s known me before (as I’ve been friends with Daddy and Mommy during her lifespan – I met her when she was 3 months old), she has now taken keen interest in me since her father and I have become a couple. She’s become my little parrot in repeating some of my mannerisms and responses to questions; and I’ve affectionately called her so, to which she responds “yes, I am your little parrot!” How cute is that?

If I’m over at the house, I’m usually bopping around to the Blues station if I’m tidying or doing dishes. To which she will come in and want to dance with me, proclaiming she likes my music, after making sure to ask, “do I like this song?”… I think most visits now, I am obligated to “turn on Blues and dance!”

From how I lick my ice cream cone, to what kind of music I listen to, to how I pet the dog; his lovely little child seems to mimic me. Watching and duplicating what I’m doing, smiling all the time as I watch her. I take this as a good sign, that she’s accepted me (or at least I’m hoping that’s what these things mean).

I assume that she accepts me with her Daddy, easily enough. I think she likes seeing her Daddy happy, or at least maybe finds ways to tell us so. Even from early days when I spent time with them, I wanted to ease her into seeing us in a different light; afterall, I’m not Mommy, and that’s who she is used to seeing with Daddy. So I didn’t broadcast affection with her father right away.. One day while watching a movie, while little one was playing on the floor, Prince Charming made move to sit closer to me on the couch and place his hand on my leg.. To which I quietly told him to move over a bit, as to not have her see that yet. Well, his wonderful little Princess is very quick and very smart to realize this was going on, but she seemed okay with her Daddy being affectionate and happy… She came over to the couch, pointed to space between us, and simply stated, “sit here”. To which I made offer to help her up to sit between us on the couch for the movie, and she replied “no, Daddy sit here.. I want Daddy to sit here”.. To which he moved back over, she smiled, and went back to her toys on the floor…Well then… I suppose we could take that as a sign of approval!

It’s become common practice for her to use my name in tandem with Daddy; “I go do (insert some activity) with Daddy and (insert my name)”; or she’ll make sure to ask me or her Daddy if I’m coming too. She often wants to include me in things that she’s doing. My heart swells every time she asks me or takes my hand to go do something with her.

I never want to push my presence on her, and I give her the power to allow my involvement with her. I’m finding it’s something I’m always cognitive of, not wanting to overstep any boundaries in regards to her. I want her to view and be comfortable with the loving relationship that I have with her father, and for her to know I’m not trying to be her parent, but I am another person that loves her…. and would do anything in the world for her and her Daddy…

So, in this wonderful adventure of meeting my Prince Charming, he came with a wonderful wee Princess… and now, I have a little parrot.

~Still learning…

Vulnerable and happy

I’ve been through real, intense, heartbreak twice in my thirty years.. The first being the breakdown of my marriage, and the second being the breakdown of a short-lived but intense relationship with a man who promised me everything only to find he himself was not wanting the same type of life… Two times I thought I had found love, and two times I’ve been let down and disappointed.

I’ve never wanted to miss out on that chance though, the chance of finding that love and someone to share life with. While I’ve not had many opportunities for that intense love that I’ve been hoping for, I never have closed myself off to the possibility. Even at one point having decided to continue on with the life I wanted and considering having a child on my own, I thought that maybe later love would happen. There’s a difference between a thinking a relationship won’t ever happen and thinking you don’t need a relationship to happen; I was of the latter idea. But I’ve always tried to be open and vulnerable to the possibility of something wonderful happening.

It’s funny though, when I was younger, and I find many people now (regardless of age) maintain a level of being guarded in a new relationship. We’ve all been hurt and we don’t want to endure the pain and heartbreak again. Sure I’m cautious in getting to know new people of course, but I don’t have that internal struggle anymore (and haven’t for a while) that says “I don’t want to fall in love, it’s going to hurt… so not yet”. I am accepting of what I feel and when, there are no instruction manuals or acceptable timelines; if I’m going to fall in love, so be it! Because if I remain guarded, I could miss out on an opportunity for something wonderful and great…. So that is how I live… I try not to be guarded with my emotions; I’m up front, all cards on the table, this is what you’re dealing with, wearing my heart on my sleeve… Believe it or not, it has helped weed out some ill matched suitors in my past. BUT… This way that I live gives ample opportunity for me to be hurt.. I’ve always said resilience is my best quality, well, there are many reasons for that.

For the relationship I’m currently in, even with outside factors affecting the relationship (somewhat), I’ve maintained this vulnerability. This has allowed me to fall in love with this man.. But something is different about these emotions. I’ve been married, I’ve been with someone I planned to have a family with; but I don’t think I’ve ever felt this. Truth be told, this man has all the power in the world to hurt me and he doesn’t even know it. I have never looked at a relationship that way, someone having “power” over me, and have been hesitant to give that power I guess, as I’ve discussed with a friend in the past.

“When you love someone, truly love them, you lay your heart open to them. You give them a part of yourself that you give to no one else, and you let them inside a part of you that only they can hurt-you literally hand them the razor with a map of where to cut deepest and most painfully on your heart and soul.”
― Sherrilyn Kenyon

Prince Charming makes me feel valued no matter what; we have our struggles and can both be exasperating at times trying to relay our thoughts and feelings on alot of intense subjects. It happens when you’re in the midst of life changing events (such as divorce and custody arrangements), and starting a new relationship. Emotions are going to run high, and they may overlap at times. But we talk, he’s never told me I shouldn’t be upset about something and always validates my thoughts and feelings. Admittedly, once I’m “passionate” (again, his verbiage, I’m “passionate” NOT “a pain in the arse”) about something, I can be pretty exhausting to deal with; but he talks through it with me and hasn’t run the other way.. And well, I haven’t run away either… Life is not easy right now…

Prince Charming also has this way of looking at me. He always looks at me, almost as if he’s studying me, and as if I’m something new to behold each time. I’ve never held any man’s gaze so intently. He doesn’t know that he does this, I don’t think, but it makes me melt every time. I feel so… I don’t know… Adored perhaps is the word I’m looking for?

I look at this man and my heart swells and I smile; thinking how lucky I am… He’s seen me at my highs and lows over the past couple of years, we spend time together easily, and we make eachother laugh; I truly fell in love with my best friend. It wasn’t planned, it wasn’t even thought of, but somehow, and luckily, here we are. We just…. Fit.

Prince Charming happens to come with a little sprite of a Princess as well. I have never been in a relationship with anyone with young children before. This is also a new ballgame for me, and a whole new level of vulnerability. I have a love for children and yearn to have my own someday, so I would never ever ever be guarded emotionally around a child. They should be openly nurtured and loved to build confidence, caring and help shape them into kind and happy little human beings. So I have fallen in love with this little girl as well (as she is some of the most wonderful and best parts of her Daddy) and the more time I spend with her, the deeper it goes, but will write more on that experience in another entry.

So, here I am…. Vulnerable….In love, all encompassing….and happier than I’ve ever been despite that it’s not easy….

Still learning….

When you know, you know

When you know, you know…. Or maybe you didn’t know yet, because circumstance couldn’t allow such knowledge….. or hell, maybe someone else knew…
As we approach Valentine’s Day, which is albeit, an overly commercialized day, but the intent is the celebration of love; I choose to share with my readers….I’m no longer “Waiting”…. Give that a minute… Think of my blog title… There we go, “ah-ha moment”, I’ve subtly brought you up to speed… I was trying to build suspense there! 😉 .. I’m no longer waiting for my prince charming, and despite some ill timing and challenges that the future will hold, I couldn’t be happier….

Now people, please know, when I created this blog and coined the term “Prince Charming”, I by no means searched or waited for perfection or royalty or wealth, or anything else for that matter that would be associated as “princely”..But I was waiting for my match; I was waiting for imperfections I could love perfectly, and someone that would do the same for me in return… I think he may have even read “To whom it may concern…”…

Prince Charming didn’t come riding in on noble steed and sweep me off of my feet, to ride off into the sunset together…. Nor was he even a viable option for romantic interest that was considered and pursued…. He was a surprise…As I’m sure I was to him….

My very best and dearest male friend, had a relationship end, and some other life changing events happen last summer…And as a support, I spent many hours talking, speculating, and trying to help him solve out some things as a sounding board to vent to.. We spoke endlessly; there were words, there were tears, there were hugs, there was consoling, and there was comfort… There was a vulnerability that made our friendship deeper….

“Uh – oh “ , you’re thinking… But no, I wasn’t poaching my best friend nor taking advantage of a situation. Nor was he transferring/projecting anything onto me during any of this. If anything was developing, I (and most likely he) was oblivious to it… At the time anyhow… And for someone who is painfully self aware, it’s funny that these emotions developed without me having a clue. Perhaps it wasn’t necessarily not having a clue, but more of a set boundary: he’s my best friend, of course I care. “It’s only him”….

Not everyone was as oblivious though….

My very astute and observant mother brought things to light…Where some may describe my mother as pushy or loud (and yes, Mother, I know you’re reading this… I’m sorry, but it’s true); I see her as straightforward and honest… She will tell you truth, whether you want to hear it or not… And sometimes without necessarily thinking about what the affect or outcome that truth may have..But that’s Mom… I’ve known her my whole life, and I’m used to this about her… And now, so are others…

Mom and I were out for a drink at a local pub when I received a text from my friend; just casual chit chat, “how are you?/what are you up to?”. He’s my friend, Mom knows him, so I told him that Mom and I were out for a drink, and if he was out and about he was more than welcome to join us… He showed up…
“There’s an elephant in the room”, my mother announced, “I want to talk to the two of you”… Thinking maybe a joke or amusing anecdote was coming, he and I glanced at eachother and smirked, “ok Mom, go ahead”…..

The sip of wine I just took almost escaped my mouth with a sputter/choke when my mother spoke next, and for a split moment I think I contemplated crawling under the table to hide, but just sat in shock… I’m pretty sure my mouth may have been open, searching for words, like a gasping cod fish (I hope this imagery suffices in relaying my shock to you)… “My daughter is in love with you… I know her and I know how she is around you…It’s love…”

Oh God, Oh God, Oh God!!!…. The best relationship I’ve ever had with a man, done, gone, finished….Months of awkwardness flashed in my minds’ eye.. He’d be cool and collected at first, saying he’d want to keep the friendship and my mother’s obviously false observation didn’t bother him in the least. But there would be that awkwardness that would be there, he’d wonder if what she said were true.. Our friendship would dwindle, we would talk and see eachother less…We would become a casual “hi how are you?” when running into eachother in passing…. Damn my mother and her assumptions, she killed my friendship with someone who I had so much in common with and enjoyed having in my life… **sigh** oh well… she didn’t mean to….

He had his eyebrows raised as I think he was in as much shock of the statement as I was.. “Um… ok?”…..He looked at me… At this point I was shaking my head and looking down at the table, still mourning the destruction of our friendship in my mind; when I finally found my words again, “Mom, I don’t think…”

“I’m not done..” she continued… No chance given to protest, or to salvage my awkward friendship, how rude! She interrupted me! “You’re in love with my daughter too.. I see how you two look at eachother, you both light up when in eachother’s presence…Now I don’t know what you two will do about this, but you should at least talk about it.. That’s all I’m going to say… Now there’s not an elephant in the room anymore and you two can quit tiptoeing around this”….

Well, that’s interesting.. I continued to gape at her….

Ah, good ol’ Mom… I see this, so now everyone has to see it, I think you’re bullshitting eachother, so knock it off….. Essentially…..

I think we brushed off the conversation and continued on with the evening… totally capable of changing topic with my known charm and wit of course… until he and I were able to talk after… away from Mom…

Needless to say, we talked about it… and I haven’t lost my best friend.. 🙂 

Heart v. Mind

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, my client though technically an organ that circulates blood through a being, is an entity all of her own. She’s been battered and broken, and is well versed in the art of self first aid; which may perhaps cause some reckless behaviour when it comes to her own safety.

So when the plaintiff, that resides approximately one foot above my client, stated that her actions were perhaps not a good idea at present time, they were met with numerous objections, justifications and nothing consistent other than the following facts/claims:

She found a part of herself in another, which she had never thought possible.

Her old wounds and scars ached less in the presence of this other.

She wanted to dress his wounds and help him heal his own brokenness.

She glowed and was vibrant again.

He held her, despite the ugliness of some of her scars.

He looked at her in such a way as if she was something to study and be in awe of.

She loved his imperfectness, perfectly.

The plaintiff argued the timing was wrong, the other was too newly broken, it was too soon, and there were challenges; and while my client agreed completely and totally, when she tried to refrain it felt as if she was cutting off her own breath. My client tried to stifle her breath and live differently, sadly, regretting, and missing a possibility; all for the sake of timing, and this appeased the plaintiff briefly.

The defence (my client), will state to you today, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, that you will judge her and that is alright. She has battled the plaintiff, and has considered his pleas. She has worked jointly with the plaintiff to consider all possible outcomes and all aspects that may be involved. But she stands before you to say : life is too short, and we don’t know what tomorrow will bring; please don’t begrudge me the possibility of happiness.

The defence rests…..

Still learning….