Great Bowie song, right?
When I was younger I used to see pretty/good looking men as a challenge; when I didn’t realize the value of a person outside of esthetics (actually I should never say I didn’t see the inner value of someone, I guess I should say I had different interest in a person then from now), I sadly used to go to the bar with a friend (albeit male friend) and we started to bet eachother drinks that the other couldn’t get a phone number or date with..And then proceed to point out the most gorgeous person of opposite gender in the bar. In retrospect, I can’t ever believe I was that vain, but at the time it used to build/boost my self esteem if I could attain that “trophy” guy. In my younger time, I “won” some of those “trophy guys”; again I don’t know why I would ever assume that those who were particularly handsome wouldn’t see how wonderful and terrific I was, but my self esteem used to be a funny thing. All I really ended up winning me was superficial relationships; and in turn this wasn’t really a self esteem builder. Also being more forgiving of unacceptable treatment because of a pretty exterior, didn’t really help my cause either. It’s funny how one can have a skewed logic of how something could improve their self image; “attain the seemingly unattainable = accomplishment”…NOT! Besides, thinking back… Who the hell is someone to be deemed unattainable?! That’s suggesting that someone is “above” me. No one is above anyone, really, let’s not kid ourselves here folks…
But, that was a long time ago.. I’d like to think that I have since grown as a person.. Keep going with me folks, this precursor does have a point.
Just because a guy is good looking does not mean that they can treat me as any less than what I am; I’m not necessarily hard on the eyes, I’m loving, kind, honest, and genuine. This girl is not going to fall all over herself to please you if you’re not putting in the work too! There… Sometimes I feel like this life thing should come with “level achievements”, you know, like a video game? I reached this achievement level long ago, but it’s come into a play alot more often lately. I’ve been sincerely trying to “weed out” the unbeneficial relationships in my life and trying to put out the right energy to get the type of romantic relationship (and even non romantic relationships) that I want in my life. This entails being more firm with how I wish to be treated, despite pretty faces. Sometimes I find this a struggle, as I hate to admit it, but sometimes a type of a “partial relationship” (ie. casual, not totally healthy, any other term that is not what I want, etc.) I can sometimes justify (only in my own mind, though I do know better) as better than nothing. Though lately, I’ve been dealing with nothing, more often than not.
In the past week I’ve been tested in this thought process twice…
A little background about a guy that I chat with every now and then; very casually, very playfully…The summer past I went to Ireland with some family, and while there we got to observe some of the World Fire and Police Games; this is police officers and firefighters from around the world competing in games. My uncle, whom is a fire fighter was competing, this is how we came to be attending this. Well, who would’ve thought that you would have to be across the ocean on vacation to meet a young, gorgeous firefighter that actually lived an hour and a half away from me. At a party I was introduced to this tall, dark featured Adonis of a man, and friendly to boot! This guy could’ve been in those firefighter calendars that are so popular for fundraising in my area. At the time, he flashed smiles while sitting beside me at a table with others we knew and drinking while good time ensued with picture taken and laughter shared (charmingly commenting that we took good photos together and we could probably use them on our wedding invite; the guy was almost disgustingly charming, and very smooth lol). He invited me out to party with him that eve after the group party; having a partner at home (my Chameleon aka Mr. It’s not You, It’s Me) I politely declined the invitation of this funny, personable (and I have mentioned gorgeous, right?) man, thinking that my partner wouldn’t appreciate me going out with an essential stranger.
Fast forward to present day…After becoming single, I enlisted my uncle to help his “poor, single niece” meet a nice boy. I got Mr. Gorgeous Firefighter’s phone number. We chat via text every now and then, as said, light and playful. We keep promising to meet up next time I’m up near his area (as I visit there once a month or every two months). This past weekend I was near him, but he was working unfortunately. But he offered the consolation of a breakfast date after he got off shift (poor guy was on a 24 hour); I think he was over ambitious as I received a text in the morning “I’m sorry, I am so tired and need rest”..Poor guy, I couldn’t adjust to those kinds of shifts, and I definitely couldn’t fault him for cancelling. I told him it wasn’t a problem and promised to attempt plans and meeting up another time when he wasn’t working….. I got a text later that morning; inviting me over to his place and that “he promised he’d try to be clothed” if I wished to visit for a while… Cheeky monkey……Part of me, and I probably don’t have to tell you which part, half contemplated going to over to his place to see if he tried hard enough to be clothed in my presence. The sensible part of me said no, starting anything off like that would only provide instant gratification and not amount to anything serious or real, and that’s what I was looking for, right?……RIGHT? Although, the man fills out a t-shirt quite solidly from what I can tell, surely it wouldn’t hurt to just….NO……You see how these inner struggles can go… Miss Sensible won out, politely declined and told him to enjoy his nudity (I can be cheeky too, haha) and relaxing. I think we left off at trying to attempt dinner next time…
Also recently, after about a month and half of no communication, I hear from Mr. I Knew Better.. Who very generically says that he hopes I am well, and that he’s sorry he’s been out of touch and that it won’t always be this way. Now I have to reiterate, I am an empathetic person, but this individual has essentially cut me out of their life, and now acts as if all is normal and this is normal behaviour. Where I come from, you don’t tell someone you like them and then after an issue (albeit unrelated to me) comes up you pretend they don’t exist. Not cool, not acceptable… But sadly, with this good looking man, there is a history there; I know what it feels like for him to hold me, I know what his lips feel like…. I almost responded to his message with “oh, that’s alright, you know, life happens”, wanting to preserve “something”. Initial logic mentioned above of something being better than nothing; or even better the logic of better the devil you know than the devil you don’t…But I thought, nope, don’t be a schmuck; his behaviour was unacceptable. I backspaced my original message and then told him as much and wished him well. Although I still maintained not being a bitch about it (although very irritated with him).
So… you see that universe?! I didn’t follow the pretty boy (or my hormones for that matter)… Surely that should do something positive?!