Oh! You Pretty Things…

Great Bowie song, right?
When I was younger I used to see pretty/good looking men as a challenge; when I didn’t realize the value of a person outside of esthetics (actually I should never say I didn’t see the inner value of someone, I guess I should say I had different interest in a person then from now), I sadly used to go to the bar with a friend (albeit male friend) and we started to bet eachother drinks that the other couldn’t get a phone number or date with..And then proceed to point out the most gorgeous person of opposite gender in the bar. In retrospect, I can’t ever believe I was that vain, but at the time it used to build/boost my self esteem if I could attain that “trophy” guy. In my younger time, I “won” some of those “trophy guys”; again I don’t know why I would ever assume that those who were particularly handsome wouldn’t see how wonderful and terrific I was, but my self esteem used to be a funny thing. All I really ended up winning me was superficial relationships; and in turn this wasn’t really a self esteem builder. Also being more forgiving of unacceptable treatment because of a pretty exterior, didn’t really help my cause either. It’s funny how one can have a skewed logic of how something could improve their self image; “attain the seemingly unattainable = accomplishment”…NOT! Besides, thinking back… Who the hell is someone to be deemed unattainable?! That’s suggesting that someone is “above” me. No one is above anyone, really, let’s not kid ourselves here folks…

But, that was a long time ago.. I’d like to think that I have since grown as a person.. Keep going with me folks, this precursor does have a point.

Just because a guy is good looking does not mean that they can treat me as any less than what I am; I’m not necessarily hard on the eyes, I’m loving, kind, honest, and genuine. This girl is not going to fall all over herself to please you if you’re not putting in the work too! There… Sometimes I feel like this life thing should come with “level achievements”, you know, like a video game? I reached this achievement level long ago, but it’s come into a play alot more often lately. I’ve been sincerely trying to “weed out” the unbeneficial relationships in my life and trying to put out the right energy to get the type of romantic relationship (and even non romantic relationships) that I want in my life. This entails being more firm with how I wish to be treated, despite pretty faces. Sometimes I find this a struggle, as I hate to admit it, but sometimes a type of a “partial relationship” (ie. casual, not totally healthy, any other term that is not what I want, etc.) I can sometimes justify (only in my own mind, though I do know better) as better than nothing. Though lately, I’ve been dealing with nothing, more often than not.

In the past week I’ve been tested in this thought process twice…

A little background about a guy that I chat with every now and then; very casually, very playfully…The summer past I went to Ireland with some family, and while there we got to observe some of the World Fire and Police Games; this is police officers and firefighters from around the world competing in games. My uncle, whom is a fire fighter was competing, this is how we came to be attending this. Well, who would’ve thought that you would have to be across the ocean on vacation to meet a young, gorgeous firefighter that actually lived an hour and a half away from me. At a party I was introduced to this tall, dark featured Adonis of a man, and friendly to boot! This guy could’ve been in those firefighter calendars that are so popular for fundraising in my area. At the time, he flashed smiles while sitting beside me at a table with others we knew and drinking while good time ensued with picture taken and laughter shared (charmingly commenting that we took good photos together and we could probably use them on our wedding invite; the guy was almost disgustingly charming, and very smooth lol). He invited me out to party with him that eve after the group party; having a partner at home (my Chameleon aka Mr. It’s not You, It’s Me) I politely declined the invitation of this funny, personable (and I have mentioned gorgeous, right?) man, thinking that my partner wouldn’t appreciate me going out with an essential stranger.

Fast forward to present day…After becoming single, I enlisted my uncle to help his “poor, single niece” meet a nice boy. I got Mr. Gorgeous Firefighter’s phone number. We chat via text every now and then, as said, light and playful. We keep promising to meet up next time I’m up near his area (as I visit there once a month or every two months). This past weekend I was near him, but he was working unfortunately. But he offered the consolation of a breakfast date after he got off shift (poor guy was on a 24 hour); I think he was over ambitious as I received a text in the morning “I’m sorry, I am so tired and need rest”..Poor guy, I couldn’t adjust to those kinds of shifts, and I definitely couldn’t fault him for cancelling. I told him it wasn’t a problem and promised to attempt plans and meeting up another time when he wasn’t working….. I got a text later that morning; inviting me over to his place and that “he promised he’d try to be clothed” if I wished to visit for a while… Cheeky monkey……Part of me, and I probably don’t have to tell you which part, half contemplated going to over to his place to see if he tried hard enough to be clothed in my presence. The sensible part of me said no, starting anything off like that would only provide instant gratification and not amount to anything serious or real, and that’s what I was looking for, right?……RIGHT? Although, the man fills out a t-shirt quite solidly from what I can tell, surely it wouldn’t hurt to just….NO……You see how these inner struggles can go… Miss Sensible won out, politely declined and told him to enjoy his nudity (I can be cheeky too, haha) and relaxing. I think we left off at trying to attempt dinner next time…

Also recently, after about a month and half of no communication, I hear from Mr. I Knew Better.. Who very generically says that he hopes I am well, and that he’s sorry he’s been out of touch and that it won’t always be this way. Now I have to reiterate, I am an empathetic person, but this individual has essentially cut me out of their life, and now acts as if all is normal and this is normal behaviour. Where I come from, you don’t tell someone you like them and then after an issue (albeit unrelated to me) comes up you pretend they don’t exist. Not cool, not acceptable… But sadly, with this good looking man, there is a history there; I know what it feels like for him to hold me, I know what his lips feel like…. I almost responded to his message with “oh, that’s alright, you know, life happens”, wanting to preserve “something”. Initial logic mentioned above of something being better than nothing; or even better the logic of better the devil you know than the devil you don’t…But I thought, nope, don’t be a schmuck; his behaviour was unacceptable. I backspaced my original message and then told him as much and wished him well. Although I still maintained not being a bitch about it (although very irritated with him).

So… you see that universe?! I didn’t follow the pretty boy (or my hormones for that matter)… Surely that should do something positive?!

Still learning….

Happy Mother’s Day

First off, Happy Mother’s Day to all of my readers.. Whether you are married, single, a stepmother, an adoptive mother, or even if you are a guy that has the challenge of taking on the double duty of being Mom as well. I hope all of you have/had a blessed day full of love, happiness, and memories. As I always say throughout my writing, cherish and love the important ones in your life.

And also a point I wanted to make too, even if you’re not a Mom today, and have a kind and loving nature; Happy Mother’s Day to you too, someone probably views you in a like way.

Which now brings my blog back around to me, my favourite topic.. I don’t know if you’ve noticed in this blog, but there is an underlying theme here.

I love my Mom, I do. We are really close and I seriously could not be the person I am nor gotten through life as I have without her. So whereas I have tried to make today all about her; being the age that I am and being one of the only single people I know, today has struck me a bit tenderly as well. One of the things I know I was put on this earth to do (and I’ve always felt this way whether partnered or single) has been to be a Mom. So when this day comes and I look around an apartment that just holds only my things and at my cat, I can’t help but be a little sad.

I saw a wonderful post on my Facebook today as I was scrolling through the innumerable “I love you Mom”, “Happy Mother’s Day”, “If you have a child’s love, blah blah blah”..And then I came across a perfect one, and I couldn’t have appreciated it more: “Happy Mother’s Day to all the ladies who had tried to be Mothers but couldn’t for one reason or another….” This really resonated with me.. and furthermore I came across another post of well wishes for mothers that was followed by: “it does not have to be a biological mom. If you love a child in your life like a mother would or love someone like a daughter or son would than that is what counts! “….I appreciate the two women that posted this, more than you could imagine.

I have numerous children in my life, some even refer to me as their second Mom (which is truly funny coming from an 18 year old, when technically I’m not old enough to have him).. But I haven’t been blessed with the circumstance to have my own… yet 🙂

So Happy Mother’s Day all, to those who are Moms, who are like Moms, or wish to be Moms… We are women with nurturing souls 🙂

Revealation

Well, the weekend was a fun one and interesting one.  I actually got out and exercised one of those social life things.  Even got to spend some time with an ex of mine that I actually have kept as a friend (for some reason having exes as friends is a rarity for me).  But it’s really great when aspects of my past get along with present people in my life; for example “Mr. Wrong” had a lovely poker game with the sister of “Mr. I Knew Better”.  I do tend to get myself into the most interesting situations, though this one in particular caused a bit of a giggle as I noticed similarities between two men that I’ve dated who just happened to be in the same occupation (I’d hate to say I have a type and I’ll argue that I don’t; but I’m admittedly a sucker for a guitar player, but I think I’ve almost gotten that out of my system).

Mr. Wrong has read this blog, and the entry about him in particular, and sees this exactly for what it is; about me, not the men.  Although, sometimes I do digress on tangents when annoyed with actions of the romantic interest(s) in my life, this writing is about me and learning about what I’m looking for and how to find it, as well as mistakes I make, where I can improve; all self analysis.  We actually got the chance to discuss this quite candidly, and poor bugger does let me be brutally honest and I as well accept his honesty in return.  “How’s the writing coming along and incidentally the love life?”, I proceed to share about “Mr. I Knew Better”, and the fact that I’m slightly annoyed with him.  I continue to lament that I just don’t seem to attract the type of men to me that are looking for something worthwhile.  “Well, what’s your type? You must have one..Musicians?”, he asks with a broad grin.  I grumble and then swat at him while laughing, claiming to not have a “type”.  I then proceed to advise him that though both men in conversation are musicians they are as different as night and day; he opened the door for comparison afterall..Your stage personas are different… your personalities are different (one is extroverted, while the other is introverted)….one blonde, other brunette….one is taller… they both have different playing styles…”you must have a type, a trait that I have and that others you have dated possess as well”, he pushed…..  Can any of you discuss your relationships this candidly with an ex, inclusive of what makes you incompatible with them?

Light bulb moment… “well you’re passive, that used to drive me nuts…and wait…”Mr. I Knew Better”, also passive”…. A trait I like about Mr. Wrong, he’s self aware and can discuss himself openly..Please keep in mind readers, I’m not having a conversation with an ex-boyfriend and insulting him, he’s passive, and he knows it; and passivity isn’t necessarily a negative, it’s a personality trait….I could chronicle my entire dating/relationship life with that one trait, passive.  Passive is my complete polar opposite; aren’t opposites supposed to attract or balance eachother or something? That’s the common trait I announced, I seem to attract passive men.  “Ah, but do you attract that to you, or do you look for it?”.. Ah, Mr. Wrong, how I’ve missed this aspect of you, always pushing the conversation to make me think.

I sit quietly reflecting.. No… When I meet men initially, I would have no idea they’re passive..In fact the two men that we initially started comparing in our conversation (himself included) had both approached me in the whole dating thing, not really a passive trait.  And I certainly don’t enjoy passive personalities nor would want one as a partner; I like equality, someone able to voice things, has a mind they express; a strong personality if you will.  I don’t wish to be the dominant/stronger personality; I want an equal playing field, or maybe even someone a tad bit stronger than me.  So I definitely wouldn’t say I look for passive.  But having a willing candidate in conversation, I thought I’d take the opportunity to ask, “what attracted you to me?”.

I was told I’m an attention getter.. I’m not sure I liked the sound of that, that sounds like someone who’s very showy and has to be centre of things;  that’s not quite me.. Don’t get me wrong, I adore attention, I do; probably why I take to the stage at times…But “attention getter” was a term that made me think of trying too hard for the “look at me” appearance.  He then explained it didn’t necessarily have to do with appearance; but that I possess a strong personality and spirit, a trait that he has been attracted to in most of the previous women he has dated also…  He’s also single at this point, so I’m not sure that these specific opposite traits attracting worked for him either..

So, now I have some information, that is somewhat new in realization to ponder.. now what do I do with it?  Ask a guy upon meeting, “excuse me, but would you call yourself a passive person?”.. I’m not sure how this knowledge is going to benefit me, but I’ll find a way for it to.

Still learning….