Heart has a memory…


I had an absolutely lovely and sunny Easter Sunday, I had just finished my traditional brunch and mimosa (although some years baileys and coffee) and Monty Python’s Holy Grail viewing with a dear friend. I think it’s been a tradition since my divorce, so no matter what, attached or single, I always will have this wonderful woman on this holiday. It’s nice to have a “thing” 🙂

On my way home I drove past Tim Horton’s and in passing saw friends that I met through my “Chameleon” (see previous blog post); they were out for a coffee and a ride. I didn’t notice my ex’s bike, so I figured it was safe to stop and say hello. I hadn’t seen these people since splitting with my ex last year, and where we’ve still kept in touch, with the not so nice winter, and everyone’s busy schedules we haven’t had a chance to visit in a while. It was nice to have a catch up chat, I really do like these people.

“I miss being on the back of a bike” I lament to my friends. What’s unfortunate is my ex was into motorcycles, when we met I was not; though after much convincing I was coaxed (patiently) onto the back of a sport bike, and I LOVED IT! But sadly, no more ex = no more bike. My friends took pity on me and offered me a quick jaunt on the bike. It was funny in a way… I used to equate being on the back of a bike as an almost sensual experience (especially on the back of a sport bike). I don’t know how many of my readers out there are ever passengers on motorcycles, but there is a difference. On a street bike or “cruiser”, you are comfortable and in a sitting position, and quite frankly you don’t even need to really touch the person driving if you don’t want to, there is space and things to hold onto. But on a sport bike, your knees are higher and in less of a sitting position, and whether you like the driver or not you’re in close proximity and you can essentially hold onto them with your legs. The sensual creature in me loved this about being a passenger with my ex; every curve in the road, the bike went with it and both of your bodies moved in sync with the bike, and moved together. Actually funny anecdote that I’ll share because I can do so (somewhat) anonymously: at first when I was getting used to the bike I was a nervous passenger on corners and curves in the road, the whole balance thing and centre of gravity really worried me, in truth I was thinking too much about it. “Just relax, move with the bike, do what I do” would be how my ex would reason with me. Alright, move with his body, I could do that; kinda like sex 😉 So, when we would do bends or corners that would make me nervous at first, I just closed my eyes, leaned forward to feel his body and moved with him. You see how this could be a sensual experience for a couple? Anyhow, I digress from the point of this post, but a memory can just take you sometimes… Our minds, hearts AND bodies have a memory…

But as mentioned, my friends took pity on me and let me have a jaunt with the driver of the two. Although… He had a sport bike as well…. So my whole sensuality associated with riding really had to be tossed and quickly. I was almost awkward getting onto the back of the bike and allowing enough room in between us, but also not wanting to fall off the back of the bike… “Ah, screw it!” I thought. This guy has had a few passengers on his bike, this is just in my head; I need to stay on this bike after all. There’s was no wrapping arms or leaning in though, but I’m pretty sure I was going nowhere with my knees dug into hips LOL. After a nice little trip, and an hour or so of catching up and chit chat, their phone buzzed with a text message. “He’s out on the bike and is going to stop by, you ok with that?”.

“Free country” I reply. So, my Chameleon was dropping by… Did I need to leave? Should we tell him I’m here? … I have not laid eyes on him since the day we moved his stuff out and we communicated may once every two months at best (and only if I asked him how he was doing — I’m a softy like that—guys can be jerks and totally ignore me but if I feel empathetic toward them in any way I will still inquire on their well being on occasion instead of telling them to go do one). I’m trying to be cool and collected… Yeah.. Him showing up won’t bother me, just another failed relationship, we don’t hate eachother, we’re both good, reasonable people. I don’t want to seem like I can’t handle it, I’ll stick around, say hello to him… Couldn’t hurt…

When he showed there was the custom “hello, how are you?”, and I thought, I could even venture to give him a hug… At one point I was making an attempt to carry this man’s child, surely I couldn’t just greet him like I would the clerk at the corner store.. I may as well have offered a handshake. Nope, not me… Super woman, emotions of steel, has her shit together, has moved on.. I went in for the hug…

Now I’m not sure what the “rules” are but I figured, a quick, friendly hug and all would be good. He wrapped his arms totally around me, enveloping me, and continued to talk to me and hold me for what felt like a few minutes. My heart stung.. These arms were my safe haven for the worst time of my life, and these arms belonged to someone I had thought loved me and wanted to have a family with me. This is was supposed to be a casual, quick hug; he wasn’t supposed to hug me and hold me like he used to… The bastard…

Why does the heart have a memory? And though I’ve moved on and realized how him and I could’ve never worked (and hell have had someone since him that I also got to realize it wouldn’t work with….. lucky me); my heart still recognized that familiarity. The familiarity of someone I gave myself to totally and completely, which is funny because I have been married before and I never shared that connection with my ex-husband. My Chameleon aka Mr. It’s not You it’s Me (he’s seemingly been my topic a few times now), barely batted at eyelash I don’t think…

Suppose that pang of discomfort proves I can still feel… That’s fortunate, right?

Better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all, the old cliché saying goes.

Still learning….


8 comments on “Heart has a memory…

  1. KG says:

    It took me three years to get my heart beat to go normal on seeing my ex husband especially in courts whereas he was happily avoiding me. Yes, I agree , heart has a memory and it did fade a little over time.

  2. Ulana says:

    Yeah this is normal. I still get all messed up in the head when I bump into my ex. And we broke up back in 97!

  3. Lindsay says:

    Its harder to erase the hearts memory…so often we can convince ourselves and rationalize that we ate better off, it wouldn’t have worked anyway, etc etc…I luckily have yet to come face to face with my hearts memory in awhile…but I know everything will come back as fresh as if it were yesterday…all the reasons I loved him, how well certain aspects fit together…even though I know we are better off separate. Happier, even. Its almost like an imprint though isn’t it, bow they say some ghosts don’t actually haunt a site, but a moment is relived there forever as an imprint? I believe that’s what ghosts of lovers past do to our hearts.

    • I love that analogy Lindsay, thank you!
      And yes, our minds can rationalize all we want, and that’ll certainly help dull the ache over time… But I don’t think it goes away…
      We just find better suited to leave a larger and longer lasting imprint I hope? (maybe? lol)
      Thank you for reading.

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