You start off with the best intentions, but unfortunately I’ve become wary of possible suitors, and my life experiences have left me to hope for the best, prepare for the worst and at least hope that someone surprises me someday. I wonder if this is somehow sabotaging me? My heart says jump right in, love is worth the risk if you can find it, hurt be damned I can heal if it doesn’t work. But my mentality is analyzing a man within minutes of meeting and already deciding what his potential probably is. Then I have a feeling of how things will play out, I give the benefit but keep my head about me. Some day maybe Prince Charming will come and prove me wrong. But the odd time I get waylaid by attractive and charismatic possibilities that have yet to tell or promise me anything new. I think Mark Knopfler said it best in one of his Dire Straits songs: “…you can fall for chains of silver, you can fall for chains of gold, you can fall for pretty strangers and the promises they hold….”
A while ago, after my chameleon, I was feeling anything but attractive and finding a new possibility for dating or even distraction was the last thing on my mind. But keeping myself busy that was the key, my dear friend that suggested I start this writing thing about my single life, told me I had to get out and socialize more, get one of those “life things”, I was too young to not have an active social life (who probably rues the day she told me this, you’ll find out why shortly), … I threw myself into acting and gave my all in a play that was put on by my local theatre guild. After one of my shows consisting of a few hours under bright, hot stage lights, with the sheen of sweat from the heat, disheveled street clothes, and little make up left; her and my mother pick me up for dinner. “We’re going to listen to some music, you have to come out and hear my brother, he plays everything you listen to. Would do you good to get out and do something more that you enjoy; having a drink, and listen to some music”.
We go to a pub in a nearby town, sit down at a table and order some drinks.. I’m browsing a menu and not even looking up when a man sits down beside me and starts talking to my friend. “This is my brother…” I look up from my menu and take the proffered hand and look into the most piercing ice blue eyes I think I’ve ever seen. I like a man that can look me directly in the eye upon meeting, and while talking to me. This man wasn’t shy, his eyes smiled, and oh my goodness, the moment we shook hands I felt an instant attraction, a spark if you will.. I had wondered if he felt it too? Though upon exchanging the pleasantries of “nice to meet you” he seemed engaged in talking to me.. But, I’ve met musicians before, they specialize in socializing and engaging people, they need fans right? He had my attention. He then left the table to go set up for the night. I turned to my friend and mother, “oh you’re not going to like this”…..”Steady on” Mom says, “closer to my age than yours”… “Yeah but” I grin stupidly.. ”Really? That’s my brother!”, exclaims my friend… “Alright, alright, I’ll leave him alone”… I really disliked this though, having that instant pull and energy with someone you know upon meeting are most likely wrong for you. He works nights, I work days…He’s gorgeous and in an occupation where women are plentiful….He was a wee bit older than me…. I’m sensing déjà vu here (see previous blog “Mr. Wrong”).. “Hey, if you were to date a man, what age range do you date in?” comes from the stage… Me? We’re talking to me? Oh good, we’re engaging me from the stage about my dating preferences. “Oh you know, 30s… 40s” I reply cheekily.. ”Oh good”.. the show goes on…..
The way home was interesting, my mother starts in on “musicians flirt, it’s part of their job”…I get that, I totally get that, I know when a guy is just going through the motions of being playful and flirty as part of the job; I did afterall get a marriage proposal in the middle of the bar with this fella on his knees. This guy’s work persona was really playful, and drew people in, and his smile, wow… But it was work where I met him, all part of the gig… Before we got home my phone buzzed with a new Facebook message..”I think you’re fabulous, here’s my number”. Hmmmmm, that’s not part of the job I don’t think….
We chatted, daily… I got to know a bit about the man behind the work persona. Thank goodness there was a lot more to him; he was handsome but I couldn’t have been attracted to the jokester and constant partier that his image portrayed. But I told him exactly what I thought his lifestyle demanded of a relationship, and that we were probably looking for different levels of seriousness, he just had to be honest and up front. I’m not sure he appreciated my frankness, but he shot down my assumptions, to which I told him I was surprised. “That I’m not a dog? I actually want someone to love”, he asked….Have I really become that negative? I wondered. Ok, show me different.. Maybe this guy will be the surprise, maybe he’ll prove me wrong. He told me he would….
Then life happened.. People have their challenges in life, and things they have to endure and everyone deals with it differently.. Whether a temporary stress, or life changing event, you choose how you deal; whether blocking people out or letting people in… Or at least that’s what I figure. I sit here writing this, after being told “I have too much going on right now”… Granted I’m empathetic to people when they’re stressed; but being shut out or having lost touch I unfortunately wasn’t surprised… After talking almost daily for some time, being quite openly adored, spending some wonderful time together when schedules allowed; to then hardly speaking at all, I went “ah, there it is”…. Could he still surprise me? Who knows….. “too much going on” could be sincere, though I’m not sure at this point. But I’m happily taking it for what it was, something else that didn’t work but I still enjoyed. He was sweet, beautiful, and talented; but alas the planets didn’t align I guess…
I knew better, so was fortunately quite emotionally guarded. But I hate having to filter, and having this analytical attitude now. My heart longs for the jump right in attitude; but my mind keeps it in check.