Heart has a memory…

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I had an absolutely lovely and sunny Easter Sunday, I had just finished my traditional brunch and mimosa (although some years baileys and coffee) and Monty Python’s Holy Grail viewing with a dear friend. I think it’s been a tradition since my divorce, so no matter what, attached or single, I always will have this wonderful woman on this holiday. It’s nice to have a “thing” 🙂

On my way home I drove past Tim Horton’s and in passing saw friends that I met through my “Chameleon” (see previous blog post); they were out for a coffee and a ride. I didn’t notice my ex’s bike, so I figured it was safe to stop and say hello. I hadn’t seen these people since splitting with my ex last year, and where we’ve still kept in touch, with the not so nice winter, and everyone’s busy schedules we haven’t had a chance to visit in a while. It was nice to have a catch up chat, I really do like these people.

“I miss being on the back of a bike” I lament to my friends. What’s unfortunate is my ex was into motorcycles, when we met I was not; though after much convincing I was coaxed (patiently) onto the back of a sport bike, and I LOVED IT! But sadly, no more ex = no more bike. My friends took pity on me and offered me a quick jaunt on the bike. It was funny in a way… I used to equate being on the back of a bike as an almost sensual experience (especially on the back of a sport bike). I don’t know how many of my readers out there are ever passengers on motorcycles, but there is a difference. On a street bike or “cruiser”, you are comfortable and in a sitting position, and quite frankly you don’t even need to really touch the person driving if you don’t want to, there is space and things to hold onto. But on a sport bike, your knees are higher and in less of a sitting position, and whether you like the driver or not you’re in close proximity and you can essentially hold onto them with your legs. The sensual creature in me loved this about being a passenger with my ex; every curve in the road, the bike went with it and both of your bodies moved in sync with the bike, and moved together. Actually funny anecdote that I’ll share because I can do so (somewhat) anonymously: at first when I was getting used to the bike I was a nervous passenger on corners and curves in the road, the whole balance thing and centre of gravity really worried me, in truth I was thinking too much about it. “Just relax, move with the bike, do what I do” would be how my ex would reason with me. Alright, move with his body, I could do that; kinda like sex 😉 So, when we would do bends or corners that would make me nervous at first, I just closed my eyes, leaned forward to feel his body and moved with him. You see how this could be a sensual experience for a couple? Anyhow, I digress from the point of this post, but a memory can just take you sometimes… Our minds, hearts AND bodies have a memory…

But as mentioned, my friends took pity on me and let me have a jaunt with the driver of the two. Although… He had a sport bike as well…. So my whole sensuality associated with riding really had to be tossed and quickly. I was almost awkward getting onto the back of the bike and allowing enough room in between us, but also not wanting to fall off the back of the bike… “Ah, screw it!” I thought. This guy has had a few passengers on his bike, this is just in my head; I need to stay on this bike after all. There’s was no wrapping arms or leaning in though, but I’m pretty sure I was going nowhere with my knees dug into hips LOL. After a nice little trip, and an hour or so of catching up and chit chat, their phone buzzed with a text message. “He’s out on the bike and is going to stop by, you ok with that?”.

“Free country” I reply. So, my Chameleon was dropping by… Did I need to leave? Should we tell him I’m here? … I have not laid eyes on him since the day we moved his stuff out and we communicated may once every two months at best (and only if I asked him how he was doing — I’m a softy like that—guys can be jerks and totally ignore me but if I feel empathetic toward them in any way I will still inquire on their well being on occasion instead of telling them to go do one). I’m trying to be cool and collected… Yeah.. Him showing up won’t bother me, just another failed relationship, we don’t hate eachother, we’re both good, reasonable people. I don’t want to seem like I can’t handle it, I’ll stick around, say hello to him… Couldn’t hurt…

When he showed there was the custom “hello, how are you?”, and I thought, I could even venture to give him a hug… At one point I was making an attempt to carry this man’s child, surely I couldn’t just greet him like I would the clerk at the corner store.. I may as well have offered a handshake. Nope, not me… Super woman, emotions of steel, has her shit together, has moved on.. I went in for the hug…

Now I’m not sure what the “rules” are but I figured, a quick, friendly hug and all would be good. He wrapped his arms totally around me, enveloping me, and continued to talk to me and hold me for what felt like a few minutes. My heart stung.. These arms were my safe haven for the worst time of my life, and these arms belonged to someone I had thought loved me and wanted to have a family with me. This is was supposed to be a casual, quick hug; he wasn’t supposed to hug me and hold me like he used to… The bastard…

Why does the heart have a memory? And though I’ve moved on and realized how him and I could’ve never worked (and hell have had someone since him that I also got to realize it wouldn’t work with….. lucky me); my heart still recognized that familiarity. The familiarity of someone I gave myself to totally and completely, which is funny because I have been married before and I never shared that connection with my ex-husband. My Chameleon aka Mr. It’s not You it’s Me (he’s seemingly been my topic a few times now), barely batted at eyelash I don’t think…

Suppose that pang of discomfort proves I can still feel… That’s fortunate, right?

Better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all, the old cliché saying goes.

Still learning….

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Bad luck

I sat down today to write an entry and my initial thought was to change this blog’s name from “Waiting for Prince Charming” to “The Idiot Men that I Meet and the Horrible Luck I Have in Love”…. Then I slowly backspaced thinking, “well, that sounds a bit negative and jaded”, not my normal personality or view on things.  I expressed to a few friends that I’m struggling with a positive spin lately; to which the general consensus response was a resounding “you’re allowed”.

Life isn’t always roses, and we all know by reading this blog that my love life is definitely not roses…I think at this point I couldn’t even call it dandelions.

I am running out of things to learn in dating and romance, or at least I’m at a plateau at the moment due to lack of activity (more learning will come at the next step I’m sure, if and when I get there)… Other than learning where to meet “Mr. Right”, I’m pretty sure that I’m just coasting at the moment.  I’m not overly trying to put myself out there, nor am I really looking.  I’m still focusing every day on the universe to “put out that good energy” and let the world know that I’m ready for good things and come what may.  But am I signing up to dating sites? (this seems to have highest success rate I’m reading).. Nope…

I really do think though that it can just be summed up to crappy luck.. I am a good person, I’m a good communicator, I’m straightforward, honest, kind, loving… I learn from every experience I have and I do take knowledge and apply it.

When others look at a single person they automatically think “why are they single?” or “what’s wrong with them?” But sadly, some of us just have rotten luck.  We have not been at that right place at that right time yet.  Love can be affected by many things, life, learning, karma; but timing is the bitch.  Pardon my language.. Well no, actually don’t pardon my language.  I type in this blog how I generally speak; and yep, bad luck and timing being a bitch; pretty sure those are my problems.  As you’ll read in my past blogs, I’m usually pretty good with my words without resulting to a profanity, but it’s that kind of day.

So, followers; my apologies for the negative seeming post, but this is life, this is me.  RAW.. Emotion filled.  All in all, life is good, I love myself; but my luck in romantic love is for the birds.. I’m allowed to not always be positive, I’m allowed to vent, heck, I can even sulk if I want to.  But today’s post does not come with anything learned, or something that I’ve found within myself, or even a provoked thought.  But I’m really not being negative, I’m being honest.

I continue on with my life and passions, and the thought of having someone to share it with some day just seems to get farther and farther away.  I’m getting used to that idea, and I almost feel healthily resolved to being alone.. And I’ve heard everything; “oh it’ll happen”, “when you stop looking that’s when you’ll find it”, and my personal favourite which I don’t know why it irks me so to hear “you’re young and still have lots of time”.  Now, people who relay these wonderful sentiments of comfort to me, really do have the best of intentions, and I appreciate what they’re trying to impart – that all will be ok. And you know what? I know I’ll be ok, regardless, whether partnered or single, life will not end, it will go on, and good things will still happen.  But I’m not concerned about my age, or continuing to have patience with the universe;  I’m concerned about what I wanted in my life and what I feel I was meant to do.  I have love to give, I have passion, I have romance; all to share.. but with whom?

Tomorrow I will learn, tomorrow I will look at the possibility of not being alone, tomorrow I will reframe.   But today, luck is horrid and timing is a bitch.

Not to worry though, I shan’t be changing this blog’s name.. “Idiot Men that I Meet and the Horrible Luck I Have in Love” does not roll off the tongue as nicely as “Waiting for Prince Charming”.

Still learning….

Dating in modern society….

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“The power of attraction”… “What you put out to the universe is what you get back”….”Like attracts like”… “Be the relationship that you wish to have”….I’m not sure what other attraction phrases and/or clichés to include in here.  I’m not sure if Prince Charming caught the memo on any of these statements because I’ve totally been exemplifying everything that I’ve wanted in a relationship in my day to day life, and even in my non-romantic relationships… And well, this blog is still entitled “Waiting for Prince Charming”.

All of these above ideas I view positively.  I’m a good person, I communicate openly and honestly, I express interest in a person when I have it, I try not to leave people guessing when it comes to “does she or doesn’t she like me”, I’m warm and pleasant when I like someone; these are the things that I put out into the universe and I hope that the universe returns some semblance of these in Prince Charming.  But I received quite a shock today in an article I read about the “ugly truths about modern dating” and things that one should get used to while dating in today’s society.  This article has pretty much taken everything I thought in the above and tossed it out of the window and basically told me I’m doing everything wrong. One point that it expressed was, don’t express interest, the one who expresses the interest “holds less power in the relationship”.  I’m not a freakin’ politician vying for votes in a constituency, or a military looking to gain border in a country; if I wanted “power” the last thing I would be looking for would be a romantic PARTNER (partner indicating equality; not boss, not underling… partner!). This saddens me if this is where society is heading and I’m afraid I’m going to be single forever at this rate. 

Another point that it demonstrated is the avoidance of “labelling”; now sadly in my dating life I have run into numerous men that were not wanting to label anything.  This is sad truth that I’ve encountered has lead me to incorporate new terms into my vocabulary; I’ve gotten to learn the difference between “seeing someone” (going through the motions of spending time together, dates, maybe even sleeping with eachother, but God forbid exclusivity), “dating” (dating, maybe you’re exclusive that could be open for discussion, but we’re not in a serious thing), and “together/with someone/having a boyfriend, girlfriend, partner, etc” (a committed and exclusive relationship).  Unfortunately because I’ve allowed these new terms in my vocabulary, I have had less and less of the last term, shame on me for conforming to society on this one.  But because people are so conditioned to these different definitions, they are so flexible to non-committed relationships and because of their involvement in them less and less, they have become petrified of them.

This article also focused alot on new societal mannerisms due to technology and social media.  Have people really become so blasé about the importance of human contact and respect for one and other because of the ease of this technological age?  For instance, a point that was made was texting.  We have all become so reliant on the instantaneous communication that we’ve adapted to being able to cancel plans with people last minute because there’s less of a commitment now, you can catch someone at any moment to cancel; therefore people have become flaky.  Also to do with texting, people have become reliant on it that things such as actual voice conversations have become a thing of the past for the most part.  I can agree that I’m a happy little texter, alot of my job involves being on the phone so I’m not always a big talker on the phone.  BUT, if I want to have a conversation with a potential mate or an intimate conversation with my partner, I want to hear their voice, you can tell what someone is feeling, if they’re making a joke, if they’re serious, hurt, happy, etc.  Texting has no intonation and you can read no emotion out of it.  Alot of miscommunication happens via text messaging as words and context can be easily misconstrued.  Texting has also fed into the possible “psychological warfare” of the power struggle that was mentioned before.  I can be cool and aloof and not seeming over eager, and play this game by maybe not returning your text for a few hours, or even days.  Come on, really?!  Well the way I look at it, this is rude.  Texting is so simple and can be viewed as a positive for communication, and you know what?  It takes seconds. You’re not interested? Fine by me, don’t text!  But to use this as a game? Nope, I’m not buying it.  If I don’t measure up enough in your priorities to warrant 30 seconds of your precious time to return a text, I’ll assume you’re not interested.  Now, I get it, life is busy and things like work, socializing, people interaction, happens where one can’t be constantly on their cell phone.  But to go days? Not acceptable.  I’ve unfortunately been lenient on this one; Mr. “I Knew Better” was horrible for this at times not returning texts for days, but I knew damn well he pretty much always had his phone with him.

So these new societal norms of dating, how did they start?  How did they become popular?  Do these at all seem appealing?  I read them over and was flabbergasted (yes I used the word flabbergasted, but I’ve been assured this isn’t why I’m single lol)…. Two schools of thought that I have on this.. 1 – there are enough people that have been put through the proverbial ringer when it comes to love and just met enough shitty people out there that when this uncool behaviour was exemplified they just went “meh, I won’t rock the boat, I’ll accept that this is how it’s going to be”… 2 – there are enough jaded people out there that don’t believe in love or relationships in the true sense (or at least the true sense how I believe it), and have wanted to build this protective bubble around themselves to not be vulnerable or open themselves up to hurt in any way that they just start using this jerky behaviour that doesn’t really cultivate anything worth while…  Either way, I object!!!!  I am not “getting used to these ugly truths of modern dating”, I decide what my truths are!  Any of you reading this blog, you decide what you accept in your relationships and dating, you make your own “truth about dating”.  So please one by one people, if we can’t change the societal norm (or what I fear may yet become societal norm), we can make the change in our own lives and rise against this movement of jerky behaviour that’s poisoning the dating world and cultivating only self serving (instead of mutually serving) relationships! You can make the difference!  I have a dream, that one day….. Oh wait, someone has done a similar speech….

Anyhow people, we allow ourselves to be treated the way that we are, and set our standards for what we accept.. and what we won’t… I’m putting out into the universe positivity, warmth, and honesty; and hoping a get this in return…and power isn’t going to even be a concern when Prince Charming comes along… That’s my truth about dating in modern society; take it or leave it universe, society, whomever..

Still learning….

I knew better….

You start off with the best intentions, but unfortunately I’ve become wary of possible suitors, and my life experiences have left me to hope for the best, prepare for the worst and at least hope that someone surprises me someday.  I wonder if this is somehow sabotaging me?  My heart says jump right in, love is worth the risk if you can find it, hurt be damned I can heal if it doesn’t work.  But my mentality is analyzing a man within minutes of meeting and already deciding what his potential probably is.  Then I have a feeling of how things will play out, I give the benefit but keep my head about me.  Some day maybe Prince Charming will come and prove me wrong.  But the odd time I get waylaid by attractive and charismatic possibilities that have yet to tell or promise me anything new.   I think Mark Knopfler said it best in one of his Dire Straits songs: “…you can fall for chains of silver, you can fall for chains of gold, you can fall for pretty strangers and the promises they hold….”

A while ago, after my chameleon, I was feeling anything but attractive and finding a new possibility for dating or even distraction was the last thing on my mind.  But keeping myself busy that was the key, my dear friend that suggested I start this writing thing about my single life, told me I had to get out and socialize more, get one of those “life things”, I was too young to not have an active social life (who probably rues the day she told me this, you’ll find out why shortly), … I threw myself into acting and gave my all in a play that was put on by my local theatre guild.  After one of my shows consisting of a few hours under bright, hot stage lights, with the sheen of sweat from the heat, disheveled street clothes, and little make up left; her and my mother pick me up for dinner.  “We’re going to listen to some music, you have to come out and hear my brother, he plays everything you listen to.  Would do you good to get out and do something more that you enjoy; having a drink, and listen to some music”.

We go to a pub in a nearby town, sit down at a table and order some drinks.. I’m browsing a menu and not even looking up when a man sits down beside me and starts talking to my friend.  “This is my brother…” I look up from my menu and take the proffered hand and look into the most piercing ice blue eyes I think I’ve ever seen.  I like a man that can look me directly in the eye upon meeting, and while talking to me.  This man wasn’t shy, his eyes smiled, and oh my goodness, the moment we shook hands I felt an instant attraction, a spark if you will.. I had wondered if he felt it too?  Though upon exchanging the pleasantries of “nice to meet you” he seemed engaged in talking to me.. But, I’ve met musicians before, they specialize in socializing and engaging people, they need fans right?  He had my attention.  He then left the table to go set up for the night.  I turned to my friend and mother, “oh you’re not going to like this”…..”Steady on” Mom says, “closer to my age than yours”… “Yeah but”  I grin stupidly.. ”Really? That’s my brother!”, exclaims my friend… “Alright, alright, I’ll leave him alone”… I really disliked this though, having that instant pull and energy with someone you know upon meeting are most likely wrong for you.  He works nights, I work days…He’s gorgeous and in an occupation where women are plentiful….He was a wee bit older than me…. I’m sensing déjà vu here (see previous blog “Mr. Wrong”).. “Hey, if you were to date a man, what age range do you date in?” comes from the stage… Me?  We’re talking to me? Oh good, we’re engaging me from the stage about my dating preferences.  “Oh you know, 30s… 40s” I reply cheekily.. ”Oh good”.. the show goes on…..

The way home was interesting, my mother starts in on “musicians flirt, it’s part of their job”…I get that, I totally get that, I know when a guy is just going through the motions of being playful and flirty as part of the job; I did afterall get a marriage proposal in the middle of the bar with this fella on his knees.  This guy’s work persona was really playful, and drew people in, and his smile, wow…  But it was work where I met him, all part of the gig… Before we got home my phone buzzed with a new Facebook message..”I think you’re fabulous, here’s my number”.  Hmmmmm, that’s not part of the job I don’t think….

We chatted, daily… I got to know a bit about the man behind the work persona.  Thank goodness there was a lot more to him; he was handsome but I couldn’t have been attracted to the jokester and constant partier that his image portrayed.  But I told him exactly what I thought his lifestyle demanded of a relationship, and that we were probably looking for different levels of seriousness, he just had to be honest and up front.  I’m not sure he appreciated my frankness, but he shot down my assumptions, to which I told him I was surprised.  “That I’m not a dog? I actually want someone to love”, he asked….Have I really become that negative? I wondered.  Ok, show me different..  Maybe this guy will be the surprise, maybe he’ll prove me wrong.  He told me he would….

Then life happened.. People have their challenges in life, and things they have to endure and everyone deals with it differently.. Whether a temporary stress, or life changing event, you choose how you deal; whether blocking people out or letting people in…  Or at least that’s what I figure.  I sit here writing this, after being told “I have too much going on right now”…  Granted I’m empathetic to people when they’re stressed; but being shut out or having lost touch I unfortunately wasn’t surprised… After talking almost daily for some time, being quite openly adored, spending some wonderful time together when schedules allowed; to then hardly speaking at all, I went “ah, there it is”…. Could he still surprise me? Who knows….. “too much going on” could be sincere, though I’m not sure at this point.  But I’m happily taking it for what it was, something else that didn’t work but I still enjoyed.  He was sweet, beautiful, and talented; but alas the planets didn’t align I guess…

I knew better, so was fortunately quite emotionally guarded.  But I hate having to filter, and having this analytical attitude now.  My heart longs for the jump right in attitude; but my mind keeps it in check.

Still learning….