Nice girls/guys finish last

I was talking to a friend the other day, whom in down spirits relayed to me that “nice guys finish last” and it got me thinking…I’ve heard this from many men before…  I have had this conversation with quite a few of the men in my life; they have sat with me, looked into my eyes with a sigh, and said “I don’t know why I can’t meet nice women, they all seem to want the bad boys or the guys that treat them like garbage”.

Now I fight really hard for my initial response to them not to be “well, what am I, chopped liver?” as my good, decent, male friends (that were single at some point when these conversations took place) are coming to me to vent, have an unbiased forum with someone of the opposite sex, and to not be judged in any way… This alone makes it obvious that they are coming to me because they don’t even remotely view me as a woman that is anywhere in their running for girlfriend material, they view me as a buddy and this is okay.  I’m honoured that I do have male friends that value my friendship and feel they can talk to me about anything, inclusive of women woes.  I love that I can have an open and brutally honest relationship with someone of the opposite sex, I wish this would carry into my romantic relationships!

But it’s funny isn’t it?  We don’t get that openness and honesty in our relationships right away for the most part, do we?  Now wait for all of you that are happily attached and reading this, your reaction is going to be “well I’m open and honest with my partner”, and yes I have no doubt that you are, but think about this, it took time to get there, didn’t it?  I mean, when we initially meet someone and get to know them, if we have them slated as a possible romantic interest, there may not necessarily dishonesty but perhaps things we withhold.  Now I think this totally normal, of course we’re going to withhold information that could present a vulnerability or an unfavourable quality, it’s human nature; otherwise, it would be like meeting someone, handing them a knife, and saying “stab here please” and pointing at your chest.  Now for those that have had the fortune of having a romantic relationship come of a decent friendship and had it work out, kudos to you, I can’t say that I have yet (I smell a future blog topic here).

Back to my initial topic though, men that have this “nice guys finish last” mentality, it works both ways.  I’ve lamented to others that “nice girls finish last” as well.  You know what, if we keep that mentality, it’s just going to continue happening; finishing last I mean.  I do a lot of reflecting on myself and my practices when bringing up this statement, firstly, what makes me “nice”, you ask? Or at least my definition of “nice” in relation to this post… I am that vulnerable one that meets someone that may be a potential romantic interest and hands them that proverbial knife as outlined above.  I’ve realized in my life, this could be the catch 22 or “crux” of the person that is me.  If I have an acquaintance or a “passing person” in my life, I can keep them at distance and not be vulnerable at all, and still have a healthy interaction.  But if I decide there is to be a worthwhile relationship cultivated (whether romantic, friendship, or familial) you are going to get everything that is me, I am going to be honest; about who I am, what I want, and what I feel.  When I choose to feel, I do it fiercely, and I leave very little guess work.  Does this make me vulnerable? Yes!  Does it get me hurt? Absolutely! But do I ever have to second guess my actions when something doesn’t work out? No, I was honest, I know that, and I can look at myself in the mirror every morning because of it.  Someday I’ll hand someone that knife, and perhaps they won’t use it.  But I have thought that this could also be what dooms me. 

Another interesting reflection, is the friends of the opposite sex that we choose to talk to when we use the “nice guys/girls finish last” statement, we’re telling a friend that we’re vulnerable and get screwed over because of it.  So, let’s think about this here, a healthy, communicative, vulnerable, and honest relationship where we’re comfortable enough discussing such a topic, hmmmmm, imagine…Me thinks that half the work here is done, for those that are fortunate enough to have friendships turned romance.  But this concept also worries me, you know, in case it doesn’t pan out romantically, what happens to the friendship?  (as mentioned above, more food for thought on a future blog). I know ideally, I shouldn’t be thinking that a relationship is doomed before it starts, but by nature I think about all possible outcomes to a situation.  Maybe some reprogramming is required on my part, who know?  More to think/analyze about myself, I’m sure.

In conclusion, I will put out my honesty (always) and hope that this crazy universe reflects it back to me.  This nice girl wants her Prince Charming to be a nice guy, one day I will be done finishing last. 

But in truth, I think I’ve come to the point in my life that I don’t necessarily think that I’ve “finished last” anymore…..It’s just that….. I haven’t finished yet 😉

Still learning….

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15 comments on “Nice girls/guys finish last

  1. Use gin as “boxer short remover?” Unethical, yes. But if he would have finished last otherwise, perhaps in this case the end justified the means.

    You could also try lacing his free BBQ steak with Spanish fly.

    Interesting observation. Men can only do emotional intimacy with “non-threatening” women whom they don’t see as potential mates.

    Perhaps treat it like fly fishing. It’s a delicate art to hook and land one.

  2. Ulana says:

    I think there is a large flaw in your thought process here. You assume that these guys coming to you saying nice guys finish last are discounting you as a potential mate because they are not interested. I know for a fact that in at least one case (maybe 2) the truth is they are not pursuing more than friendship with you because they don’t believe that have/are what you want.

  3. Shelley says:

    I must say …in my 45 years…of which 29 of them have been spent in and out of relationships, as well as watching friends like you go through the ups and downs of dating the wrong guy I truly believe that there is a reason why we do not date friends and why women too often opt for the bad boy whether it be intentionally or not. We all have friends of the opposite sex who are single and whom we care for and respect. We do not often enter into relationships with these friends because we already know the chemistry is not there even if we really wish it was.I have had friends who I thought wow he is so great, so funny and so good to me so why am I not dating them? Because their role in my life is of friend not lover.Sometimes we get so tired of bad relationships we look to out friends as role models of the kind of person we should date. as for the nice guys finish last point…i recently heard this from my current partner.He says that he sees it as the nice guys are the plan B where the girls who go out with the nice guy type he is only do so after experiencing the bad boy disaster. I would like to say I disagree but he has a point. Women often choose the cuter, sexier, more confident, dangerous guy over the stable, secure, sweet, considerate one. sad but true generally. We all need to look for the opposite f what we would normally go out with if we are not happy with what we have had so far. Nice guys are the only way to go in my book. Took me a long time to figure that out though!!! I still would not go out with a friend though as it will most likely not end well! What do you think ?

    • I agree, we all put in our time with the “bad boys/girls”, until we realize it’s really not as fun or as exciting as it once seemed. We evolve in our relationship wants/needs.. Personally, I’m looking for the nice guy now lol… As for the friend thing, some people cross over from the realm and it’s worked, but as mentioned, potential to not work and damage the friendship.
      Thank you for discussions points and opinions 🙂

  4. Shelley says:

    Oh and as for being honest we all put forward an altered version of ourselves at the start…all of us. The trick is finding someone who loves you even after your true person comes out. 🙂

  5. thrallex says:

    The problem is that it just isn’t that simple. I mean, yes, our society completely pumps the bad/boy issue, its a thing and something not to be ignored. But at the same time, what about honesty?
    People are always “being their best self” I believe thats the most positive light to look at it.. as opposed to flat out lying about who they are (in most cases they are lying to themselves as well.. so its not just about you!). In effect, you are building a relationship on lies, maybe a bit harsh, but trust is quite potentially the most important thing in a relationship, wouldn’t you say?

    So you have this “nice guy” on a pedestal, what does that mean? He has to be the “nice guy”.. that is also a thing. It rips away freedom and it creates a standard.. a standard to be upheld. Its not a bad thing to want to be better, but its a bad thing to act in a way that isn’t genuine.

    On the flip side you have this “bad boy”, who doesn’t care about you. He won’t change what he says for you, he will be him (in theory) and tell you how he feels and/or thinks. He may act in ways you like or do not always like.. but at least its honest (in theory).

    To get into this will take way too long for a response, so I think the real issue is this, labels. Bad boy or “nice guy” self promotive terms or terms to tear down another. They don’t help anyone. I have had far more experiences with being gullible and wanting to believe the sales pitch from potential mates then I care to admit. For me the female of equivalent of a self proclaimed “good guy” is scary..

    • Ah yes, but the “nice guy/girl” image that is expected to be upheld is not a far stretch in my eyes as if this person is genuinely one of the good ones it should be their nature, not an act to uphold. I think we’re getting me wrong here, we are all human and make mistakes and have our less than favourable qualities, but we can still be the quote/unquote nice guy/girl. I think I’m more relaying part of what Shelley was saying, I don’t mean perfection when quoting the “nice guy” stigma, I mean respectful, kind, responsible, etc. as opposed the “bad boy” who operates on self absorption and doesn’t respect needs of a partner. Both bad guy and nice guy can be honest.
      I agree that we always put our “best self” forth when meeting new people, as we want to seem attractive and likeable, no matter what the context of the relationship, and you’re right, a lot of us lie to ourselves about what we are (something I myself have worked very hard over the years to get out of; hence the directness and openness in this blog lol). I think if more of us were more self aware, we’d be able to portray our true self to potential partners as opposed to an altered self, and then ta-da people liking us for us, who we are, and drum roll please…Honesty and trust, which yes I do believe is the most important thing.
      As always, thanks for reading thrallex, I always enjoy your opinion and feedback 🙂

      • thrallex says:

        I do very much agree with the knowing of ones self. I think in all honesty, the biggest problem I have is labeling, as if its black and white. “Nice guy” just seems like a self-fulfilling prophecy.. but not necessarily good if it detracts from who you actually are… It will catch up eventually. It seems just like an oversimplification with dire consequences.. “nice guy”, “bad boy”, “girl next door” all gross oversimplifications for a (hopefully) complete and independent human being with some mannerisms that you love and some that may annoy the crap outta you. They can be useful for deterring from a conversation or redirecting depth.. For example bill at the office *insert derogatory perceptions of his work ethic here*.. but he’s a nice guy. In theory anyone can be a “nice guy”, its just a matter of perspective, therefore an unnecessary label. And your welcome 🙂

  6. thrallex says:

    The friend zone! It’s all but impossible to distinguish.. I know I’m going to go two posts worth of paranoia on you in a row.. but I preach the truth sister!

    People are amazing self promoters, if they are single and you are single, or even if there is an unhappy relationship in the mix. How can you tell where the spin on the stories end?

    I think a big reason why friendships cannot turn into successful relationships is because they are plagued with the same dishonesty as a relationship with a stranger. Maybe just a bit more lead up time and patience in the scheme.

    I think this deserves a post in the future sometime, but thats it in a nutshell.

  7. Shelley says:

    I agree that people too often, often unknowingly misrepresent themselves. We either hide some parts of ourselves we are insecure about or we mirror the person we are interested in to create connections. It works for awhile but it is impossible to keep up the charade and once the truth comes out…wham…something is not right and someone is unhappy because it is not what you thought you were getting in to and the warm fuzzies of the initial attraction have cooled off.We also ignore signs someone is not right for us because we want so badly for it to be what we need. I do not like dishonesty or labels …but as humans we fall into those traps often. I am in a relationship with one of those classically categorized nice guys…meaning he is a bit of a geek…ok a lot of a geek, he has been friend zoned more than he cares to remember, he is shy with women and would never approach one in a social setting and he is unfailingly sweet, kind, trusting and has been hurt in the past by women who want the bad guy instead. I think nice guys do not always get all the girls but that is probably a blessing….at least I would think so if I was one. I think all men and all women have the potential to the right or the worng one for each other but if you find yourself always in relationships with jerks than maybe a nice guy or gal is the path you should take 🙂

    • Well said Shelley, agreed, it’s human nature to want to be liked, or for some of us that fall into that single zone in our lives more often than not, we may mirror someone to gain the connection we so desperately seek. For me (for my own self and opinion), I think it comes back to truly knowing yourself and taking the time to figure out who you really are. Then with this self awareness you can recognize when you’re setting yourself up for one of these little traps.
      Thanks so much for your comments, as always 🙂

  8. NiceGuy says:

    I am a nice guy and I did not finish last!
    When I finally put all the pretenses you are talking about aside and really invested myself in a relationship I spent the rest of my life with the most wonderful woman I have ever met.
    I will admit, however, that all of the categorizations and concepts discussed above got me the first date.

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