I was talking to a friend the other day, whom in down spirits relayed to me that “nice guys finish last” and it got me thinking…I’ve heard this from many men before… I have had this conversation with quite a few of the men in my life; they have sat with me, looked into my eyes with a sigh, and said “I don’t know why I can’t meet nice women, they all seem to want the bad boys or the guys that treat them like garbage”.
Now I fight really hard for my initial response to them not to be “well, what am I, chopped liver?” as my good, decent, male friends (that were single at some point when these conversations took place) are coming to me to vent, have an unbiased forum with someone of the opposite sex, and to not be judged in any way… This alone makes it obvious that they are coming to me because they don’t even remotely view me as a woman that is anywhere in their running for girlfriend material, they view me as a buddy and this is okay. I’m honoured that I do have male friends that value my friendship and feel they can talk to me about anything, inclusive of women woes. I love that I can have an open and brutally honest relationship with someone of the opposite sex, I wish this would carry into my romantic relationships!
But it’s funny isn’t it? We don’t get that openness and honesty in our relationships right away for the most part, do we? Now wait for all of you that are happily attached and reading this, your reaction is going to be “well I’m open and honest with my partner”, and yes I have no doubt that you are, but think about this, it took time to get there, didn’t it? I mean, when we initially meet someone and get to know them, if we have them slated as a possible romantic interest, there may not necessarily dishonesty but perhaps things we withhold. Now I think this totally normal, of course we’re going to withhold information that could present a vulnerability or an unfavourable quality, it’s human nature; otherwise, it would be like meeting someone, handing them a knife, and saying “stab here please” and pointing at your chest. Now for those that have had the fortune of having a romantic relationship come of a decent friendship and had it work out, kudos to you, I can’t say that I have yet (I smell a future blog topic here).
Back to my initial topic though, men that have this “nice guys finish last” mentality, it works both ways. I’ve lamented to others that “nice girls finish last” as well. You know what, if we keep that mentality, it’s just going to continue happening; finishing last I mean. I do a lot of reflecting on myself and my practices when bringing up this statement, firstly, what makes me “nice”, you ask? Or at least my definition of “nice” in relation to this post… I am that vulnerable one that meets someone that may be a potential romantic interest and hands them that proverbial knife as outlined above. I’ve realized in my life, this could be the catch 22 or “crux” of the person that is me. If I have an acquaintance or a “passing person” in my life, I can keep them at distance and not be vulnerable at all, and still have a healthy interaction. But if I decide there is to be a worthwhile relationship cultivated (whether romantic, friendship, or familial) you are going to get everything that is me, I am going to be honest; about who I am, what I want, and what I feel. When I choose to feel, I do it fiercely, and I leave very little guess work. Does this make me vulnerable? Yes! Does it get me hurt? Absolutely! But do I ever have to second guess my actions when something doesn’t work out? No, I was honest, I know that, and I can look at myself in the mirror every morning because of it. Someday I’ll hand someone that knife, and perhaps they won’t use it. But I have thought that this could also be what dooms me.
Another interesting reflection, is the friends of the opposite sex that we choose to talk to when we use the “nice guys/girls finish last” statement, we’re telling a friend that we’re vulnerable and get screwed over because of it. So, let’s think about this here, a healthy, communicative, vulnerable, and honest relationship where we’re comfortable enough discussing such a topic, hmmmmm, imagine…Me thinks that half the work here is done, for those that are fortunate enough to have friendships turned romance. But this concept also worries me, you know, in case it doesn’t pan out romantically, what happens to the friendship? (as mentioned above, more food for thought on a future blog). I know ideally, I shouldn’t be thinking that a relationship is doomed before it starts, but by nature I think about all possible outcomes to a situation. Maybe some reprogramming is required on my part, who know? More to think/analyze about myself, I’m sure.
In conclusion, I will put out my honesty (always) and hope that this crazy universe reflects it back to me. This nice girl wants her Prince Charming to be a nice guy, one day I will be done finishing last.
But in truth, I think I’ve come to the point in my life that I don’t necessarily think that I’ve “finished last” anymore…..It’s just that….. I haven’t finished yet 😉